RE: Please Review my work!

#2
Quite a few things to point out. remember this is a critique, I'm not hating on your work however I will be abrupt. Bear with me. First, you don't really need the title inside your work. Its displayed both on the main page, and above in the link. If you want it to be there, at least make it a bit smaller and easier to read.

Your summary could do with some work. it repeats itself quite a bit, and you talk too much about who the mc is and what is happening to him. We want to learn that through the story. I'll rewrite it to give you an example, but please spend time thinking about it and don't copy and paste. Its not my story, so I'm writing with guesses.

'Mortals are mere instruments for the games played by Gods and Immortals. This is the story of how, through blood and hardship, a man rejects the fate laid on him. There are no heroes in this world. Kill, or be killed.

Struggle, or die.

Will he rise above? Or sink into the depths. At the very least, he'll throw a wrench into the game called 'fate'.'

Okay, moving on. From the start of your writing, I am immediately noticing grammar problems. Is English your first language? You seem to have some fundamental problems.

Quote:A snapping sound came from my arm as the twin sets of jaws clamped down.

'the' needs to change to 'a' but cone that happens, the sentence doesn't make sense. Only because you haven't defined the being who has done it yet, so the jaws cannot be singular. You have to refer to something to say 'the'. There's a few smaller problems with it too.

Something like: A distinct snapping sound could be heard from my arm as the monster before me clamped its twin set of jaws down.

Quote:Even if I don’t die from the enthusiastic chomping, I’d die of  septicaemia from the looks of these.

Tense change, from present to past, as well as a small grammar problem.. Which one do you want, past or present? past would have 'don't' change to 'didn't'. And 'these' needs to be changed to 'this' as you're referring to a singular.

Another problem I would like to point out is your sentence/pargraph structure. Two things. First, you start new lines for no reason. Second, you need to have spaces between new lines. It should be like this:

A distinct snapping sound could be heard from my arm as the monster before me clamped its twin set of jaws down. Even if I didn't die from the enthusiastic chomping, I’d die of  septicaemia from the looks of this.

Oi monster, didn’t your mommy teach you to brush?

Another thing is your speaking. Once again, add a space between the new lines. You don't need to add a new line after someone speaks, unless you are initiating a new speaker. For example (I also added a period after 'bobbing up and down' as it needs a new sentence, as well as a comma afterward).

Quote:“Nyahahaha, tasty tasty, fool’s bloods are so tasty. New blood, so smell good!”
So says the pretty redhead girl looking down on me while bobbing up and down, oh my her cheeks are flushed too.
“You human, exist for my meal! Shall I kiss you to death? With my real mouth of course! Nyahahha.”

“Nyahahaha, tasty tasty, fool’s bloods are so tasty. New blood, so smell good!” So says the pretty redhead girl looking down on me while bobbing up and down. Oh my, her cheeks are flushed too.  “You human, exist for my meal! Shall I kiss you to death? With my real mouth of course! Nyahahha.”

its actually more confusing to add new lines for the same speaker, as people assume a new person is speaking with a new line.

Another problem I have with your work is the way you describe your main characters emotional state. One of the big addvantages of first person is creating a natural progression of a main characters thoughts and actions. When you just state how they're feeling, its off-putting. The character doesn't tell themselves how they feel. They know how they feel. You just need to describe it in a different way. For example.

Quote:This pisses me off, this world’s demons are vexing too!

I could feel the anger boiling inside me. This demon is as vexing as the ones in the previous world.

Quote:A shrill voice broke up my interior monologue. What does a guy have to do here to finish his monologue to death!

Again, a lot of your problems are grammar related. 'finish his monologue to death!' doesn't make sense. Specifically the to death part. I have no idea what you're implying here, so I can't help you.

Quote:Even while I was dying, for the second time, mind you, my thoughts were clear.

Comma problems. You've added an additional comma for no reason. It should be changed to something like 'Even while I was dying, for the second time mind you, my thoughts were clear.'. mind you doesn't mean a comma. Just think the sentence in your head, or preferably say it out loud. I only need to think about it now, but its more the way it flow. 'For the second time mind you' has no pause in-between, and so warrants no comma. Commas really are, at its simplest, a smaller pause then a period.

Quote:One of them walked over to where I was and apparently grabbed the mother by her hair and dragged her towards the door, probably to display her as a hostage to get away.

Her child ran after them, I sensed the danger and tried to stop her but she ran fast on her little feet. The child grabbed on the leg of the robber dragging her mother and bit down on his leg.

“You son of a …”  the robber shouted and hit  her with the barrel, the pointing the muzzle at her . I ran after the child so that she isn’t killed, and managed to push her away.  And then I got shot.

To quote some of the lovely people on this sight, 'show don't tell. Describe what is happening, what the mc is feeling. how he reacts, how he acts. There is no emotion in this, when  it is an emotional event. No matter how unfeeling a main character is, a persons death is significant for everyone. Additionally, at the end, there is no indication of what happens after. The robber could have walked over and shot her, or anything. Some closure would be best. I'll rewrite the last paragraph for you, to give you a feel of what I mean.

'You son of a..." The robber shouted, hitting her with the barrel of his gun. Without pause, he grips it tightly and points it straight at the little girl.To my own surprise, I immediately jump into action and race for the girl. I reach her within moments, quickly pushing her away as I hear the barrel fire. I feel something warm trickle down my body. huh, that's weird. I look down. There was a giant hole where my chest used to be. my first thought was to scream, but it was as if I wasn't really there anymore. I felt...distant. As I looked back up, I saw the cops bursting in. The robber, in a panic, forgot about the child. Well, at least I didn't die for nothing. Still, to go out like this. Saving someone else. Well, its not such a bad thing. It feels sort of...nice. I could feel my mind going numb. I wasn't really breathing anymore, nor paying attention to my surroundings. I heard someone crying next to me, but it was so far away I wasn't even sure if it was real.


Perhaps there's an afterlife.

...

Or perhaps not.

Quote:There it is. The tale of the wonderful hero Rigel and how he died.
The name is Rigel by the way, written with the kanji of…oh dammit. Too many years in Japan has affected my mannerisms.

Never do this. This is a terrible way to introduce your character. You're speaking in the first person, you can't have your character talk in the third. Its jarring, and out of place in the story. Honestly, all you have to do is include the name in the summary. you don't even need to reference the name until another character is involved and talks about you. Your name isn't all that important in a first person story until other characters get involved. Once that happens however, make sure to make it clear what your name is again so that people don't get confused. While I'm at it.

Quote:So, you ask exactly How I got to know this lovely lady and what the heck is happening?

Don't do this either. Once again, first person. Don't break the fourth wall like this. It hurts, and it jars the reader. its very easy to talk about past events, especially since you fainted. Simply  infer a flashback. here's an example of a transition in and out. While I'm at it, I'll show you how I indicate flashbacks because I like it. I'm also rewriting the first sentence because of grammar problems.


Yes Yes, I love you too, sweetheart. I say with a wry smile, subsequently fainting. I feel myself slipping into a dream state, recalling the events that led up to this moment.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Flashback goes here.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I woke up in a dimly lit room, still reeling from the memories. Blagh, blagh. Stuff.


There you go. Doesn't break the fourth wall, and explains the character. Again, if you need to include the persons name, have the God who shows up after speak his name and clearly indicate it  is the mc he's talking about.

Quote:The thick smell of iron from my pooling blood wafted up, burning my nostrils.
“Good. That is right. Hate with all your might. Hate with your being. Because down there, only hate can save you,  kin of the fallen.”, said the spiteful god.
“I need your consent to send you in another world, Rigel. Please say Yes. If you think you will refuse, you know what will happen. The Covenant only asks for consent, not how it is got.”
“Do you wish to accept Lord Zain’s offer and act as his Vassal and be bound to the rules of The Covenant?”, An impassionate androgynous voice resounded in my head.

This is where your writing starts to hurt. There are no spaces between this. Even though multiple people are talking, you need to actually have blank space between each speaker. Otherwise it is hard to read. There are other small errors in the writing. like it's instead of its.  I'd like to point out the tense problem too. Don't worry, I do it too. It's frustrating to fix, but you just can't do it.

There's more I could point out, but its preferable I don't. you need to find my own writing style, and i fear I'll get my own style of writing mixed up with solid advice. So I'll stop here. One thing I will pressure. You need to get a proofreader. Ask in the appropriate sub-forum (I don't know what one it is), and I'm sure someone here will help you.

RE: Please Review my work!

#3
Those filter words in those examples are bugging me.
Let's fix that:

'ShiftyCake' pid='480595' dateline='1452153570' Wrote:
Quote:A snapping sound came from my arm as the twin sets of jaws clamped down.

'the' needs to change to 'a' but cone that happens, the sentence doesn't make sense. Only because you haven't defined the being who has done it yet, so the jaws cannot be singular. You have to refer to something to say 'the'. There's a few smaller problems with it too.

Something like: A distinct snapping sound could be heard from my arm as the monster before me clamped its twin set of jaws down.
The monster crushed my arm with a SNAP.
---I'm being vague cause I don't exactly know what's happening. You could add in the monster biting down:
The monster bit down and crushed my arm with a SNAP.

Quote:
Another problem I have with your work is the way you describe your main characters emotional state. One of the big addvantages of first person is creating a natural progression of a main characters thoughts and actions. When you just state how they're feeling, its off-putting. The character doesn't tell themselves how they feel. They know how they feel. You just need to describe it in a different way. For example.

Quote:This pisses me off, this world’s demons are vexing too!

I could feel the anger boiling inside me. This demon is as vexing as the ones in the previous world.
(I actually like the original version better... people actually do go: 'Well that's stupid' or 'Don't piss me off'... they DON'T go: 'I could feel this and that happen to me...')
However: I would still ask what happens when he gets pissed off? Make it a visual thing. (Like his face turning crimson, his body shaking, his hands balled into fists...) (((BTW, this falls under 'Show, Don't Tell')))
^^

RE: Please Review my work!

#4
'Chiisutofupuru' pid='480649' dateline='1452157679' Wrote: Those filter words in those examples are bugging me.
Lets fix that:

The monster crushed my arm with a SNAP.
---I'm being vague cause I don't exactly know what's happening. You could add in the monster biting down:
The monster bit down and crushed my arm with a SNAP.

(I actually like the original version better... people actually do go: 'Well that's stupid' or 'Don't piss me off'... they DON'T go: 'I could feel this and that happen to me...')
However: I would still ask what happens when he gets pissed off? Make it a visual thing. (Like his face turning crimson, his body shaking, his hands balled into fists...) (((BTW, this falls under 'Show, Don't Tell')))
^^

yeah, for the first part I was trying to rewrite it without changing the actual sentence. The second part  I didn't feel I exactly pinpointed the problem, but I thought the way he wrote it to be wrong. I think this is more personal preference rather then anything wrong with it.

RE: Please Review my work!

#5
Quote:Quite a few things to point out. remember this is a critique, I'm not hating on your work however I will be abrupt. Bear with me. First, you don't really need the title inside your work. Its displayed both on the main page, and above in the link. If you want it to be there, at least make it a bit smaller and easier to read.

Yeah of course. Don't worry about that. I did ask for help and wouldn't mind getting it straight. However, I have a few questions and would really appreciate your help.
Quote:'the' needs to change to 'a' but cone that happens, the sentence doesn't make sense. Only because you haven't defined the being who has done it yet, so the jaws cannot be singular. You have to refer to something to say 'the'. There's a few smaller problems with it too.

Something like: A distinct snapping sound could be heard from my arm as the monster before me clamped its twin set of jaws down.
I thought the usage of 'the' here was okay since the pair of jaw being talked about is a particular one, the one clamping down on the speaker. Further, I didi want to highlight the jaws since I thought at that moment, the set of jaws closing in on the MC was more important than the animal itself. Something like the looming gun barrel becoming more important to you at the moment when it it shoved in your face, rather than the gunman him/herself.
Is this not right? I am asking since I honestly don't know.
Quote:Tense change, from present to past, as well as a small grammar problem.. Which one do you want, past or present? past would have 'don't' change to 'didn't'. And 'these' needs to be changed to 'this' as you're referring to a singular.
Yeah, juvenile mistake on my part with the modal verbs. Too much excitement to quickly churn out your writing does a number on your grammar apparently. By 'These' I wanted to mean 'these teeth', but I forgot to write the teeth. Hence, it would be 'these teeth' instead of 'this teeth', won't it?
Quote:Another problem I have with your work is the way you describe your main characters emotional state. One of the big addvantages of first person is creating a natural progression of a main characters thoughts and actions. When you just state how they're feeling, its off-putting. The character doesn't tell themselves how they feel. They know how they feel. You just need to describe it in a different way. For example.

This point, I beg to differ. Personally, I am of the same view as Chiisutofupuru here. I don't really think that we think about how angry,sad,happy we are. Instead, we do think things like 'oh shit' for example. Since I was trying to portray this exactly how a person would feel in the moment, which is to what I call 'Extreme First Person'. I don't know if I am able to convey the idea to you but, it is something like this. I wouldn't feel or atleast have time to comprehend my muscles tensing or face going white before I take an instanteneous action. Also, the MC died after immediately being shot, no one lives to see a headshot or a shot to the heart, trust me. They die without even making a whimper. While bleeding wounds are an entirely different beast altogether. Also, it might be an emotional scene for the reader/viewer who are contemplating the happening at their own pace, but for the MC it was instant, the whole hitting with a barrel and pointing would take 3 seconds, wont it? The MC won't have time to feel any emotions, except danger. So, I purposely left no closure. Extreme First Person again, we see and hear only what the MC does, real time.
So...what is your and Chiisatofuru's thoughts on this Extreme First Person thing? Is this even feasible or okay?
Quote:Never do this. This is a terrible way to introduce your character. You're speaking in the first person, you can't have your character talk in the third. Its jarring, and out of place in the story. Honestly, all you have to do is include the name in the summary. you don't even need to reference the name until another character is involved and talks about you. Your name isn't all that important in a first person story until other characters get involved. Once that happens however, make sure to make it clear what your name is again so that people don't get confused. While I'm at it.
The copious breaking of 4th wall is intentional. The jarring effect is too. How should I put this..it's as if like Rigel would stop for a moment and interact with the reader. Like delivering tsukkomis while breaking the 4th wall. Suppose in between an intense fight, suddenly Rigel would say to the reader, 'You would think the axe would hit, won't it? But no! the plot armor is at work, the hero escapes unleashing some weird protag-power'. Needless to say, this is a work that lampoons the cliches so Rigel has no qualms calling out the cliches the reader expects and wants.
What do you think about this? doable?

Apart from the questions, yes I have noted all the problems pointed out and would implement them in the next part! Please do let me know what you think about the points I raised.

RE: Please Review my work!

#6
'Chiisutofupuru' pid='480649' dateline='1452157679' Wrote: Those filter words in those examples are bugging me.
Let's fix that:

'ShiftyCake' pid='480595' dateline='1452153570' Wrote:
Quote:A snapping sound came from my arm as the twin sets of jaws clamped down.

'the' needs to change to 'a' but cone that happens, the sentence doesn't make sense. Only because you haven't defined the being who has done it yet, so the jaws cannot be singular. You have to refer to something to say 'the'. There's a few smaller problems with it too.

Something like: A distinct snapping sound could be heard from my arm as the monster before me clamped its twin set of jaws down.
The monster crushed my arm with a SNAP.
---I'm being vague cause I don't exactly know what's happening. You could add in the monster biting down:
The monster bit down and crushed my arm with a SNAP.

Quote:
Another problem I have with your work is the way you describe your main characters emotional state. One of the big addvantages of first person is creating a natural progression of a main characters thoughts and actions. When you just state how they're feeling, its off-putting. The character doesn't tell themselves how they feel. They know how they feel. You just need to describe it in a different way. For example.

Quote:This pisses me off, this world’s demons are vexing too!

I could feel the anger boiling inside me. This demon is as vexing as the ones in the previous world.
(I actually like the original version better... people actually do go: 'Well that's stupid' or 'Don't piss me off'... they DON'T go: 'I could feel this and that happen to me...')
However: I would still ask what happens when he gets pissed off? Make it a visual thing. (Like his face turning crimson, his body shaking, his hands balled into fists...) (((BTW, this falls under 'Show, Don't Tell')))
^^

What happened was that a 2 pairs of jaws clamped down on the MC. Didn't describe the organism at start since I wanted to convey the impending doom of a pair of approaching huge jaws. Due to the danger, the jaws were more important than the beast possessing it. Kinda like how your attention is on a gun when it is shoved in your face rather than the gunman. It is first person narrative so, tried to convey that by focusing his attention on the jaws, not the organism. Just the jaws chomping down, his whole vision tunneling around the jaw in terror.
I would do that, but this is first-person narrative with occasional 4th wall breaking. MC cant see his face turning crimson. The MC has to convey that by saying something like 'i could feel my face heating up in anger and my hands balling in fists' but then it would be Tell and not Show wont it?.

RE: Please Review my work!

#7
Now that I've actually looked at the story, let's try again:
Quote:A snapping sound came from my arm as the twin sets of jaws clamped down. More than the excruciating pain, the smell was what got to me.
The monster's jaws clamped down, crushing my trapped arm with alarming ease.
(((Now describe this excruciating pain he feels and/or show his reaction. Then do the same for the smell, maybe in more detail because it seems more important that the pain.)))



I agree with the critique on the face turning crimson, I'd like to replace that with: face turning/becoming hot.

RE: Please Review my work!

#8
Quote:I thought the usage of 'the' here was okay since the pair of jaw being talked about is a particular one, the one clamping down on the speaker. Further, I didi want to highlight the jaws since I thought at that moment, the set of jaws closing in on the MC was more important than the animal itself. Something like the looming gun barrel becoming more important to you at the moment when it it shoved in your face, rather than the gunman him/herself.
Is this not right? I am asking since I honestly don't know.

I don't believe I'm wrong. its not like you have to name the monster. You just have to reference the monster, no need for a name or anything, otherwise it can't be a 'the' and only an 'a'. However, with that said, its a finicky grammar thing. In cases like this, its up to the writer to decide. If you feel it works better for your story, then keep it like that. Grammar is important, but only when it doesn't get in the way of telling your story. That's why English teachers are horrible writers, if we're going to go for the stereotype - which is a stereotype for a reason.

Quote:Yeah, juvenile mistake on my part with the modal verbs. Too much excitement to quickly churn out your writing does a number on your grammar apparently. By 'These' I wanted to mean 'these teeth', but I forgot to write the teeth. Hence, it would be 'these teeth' instead of 'this teeth', won't it?

Its not a juvenile mistake. Tense changes are apparent in most writers. When you get caught up in your writing, you don't think about it. personally for me, I naturally write whichever works better for each different sentence. Which you can't do. Its terrible. It might technically work better, but it'd confuse the shit out of people. So I've had to slowly beat that bad habit out of me. I'm getting there.

And yes, in that case it should be 'these teeth' as it isn't a singular. if it was a single tooth, 'teeth' would be 'tooth' and it would read 'this tooth'. The English language sucks in that way. Most words change when its more then one.

Quote:The copious breaking of 4th wall is intentional. The jarring effect is too. How should I put this..it's as if like Rigel would stop for a moment and interact with the reader. Like delivering tsukkomis while breaking the 4th wall. Suppose in between an intense fight, suddenly Rigel would say to the reader, 'You would think the axe would hit, won't it? But no! the plot armor is at work, the hero escapes unleashing some weird protag-power'. Needless to say, this is a work that lampoons the cliches so Rigel has no qualms calling out the cliches the reader expects and wants.
What do you think about this? doable?

I really disagree with it, personally. Even if its been done, it doesn't mean its something you should do. Writers have their own niches, their own way of writing. Because of this, a lot of writers also incorporate bad habits into their writing. It becomes a thing attached to them, and because of this people give more leeway.

I just absolutely hate the break of the fourth wall. It takes the reader away from the story, and the only reason to incorporate it is for a quick, cheap laugh. I can't remember the word for it, but you can speak in a neutral tone externally from the story.

Say 'the three creatures, having wandered far from their camp, laid in the snow for the last time. Alas, this was not the end, for as they died - so too did they give birth. And it was then that the tiny creature peeped its head out of the warmth covering it. A tiny creature with small beginnings. And yet, he would grow to become one of the mightiest beings in existence on the planet Saraphal. His name - Raphael.'

This is external from the story, more of a monologue. Its not really breaking the fourth wall, but its doing something similar in affect. However, and I stress this, it is always neutral. It always speaks of events as facts, without emotion nor opinion.

I hope this makes sense. I'm just speaking from my own writing and reading experiences, its not like I've gone and researched this and know everything as 100% fact. So take it with a grain of salt.

Quote:So...what is your and Chiisatofuru's thoughts on this Extreme First Person thing? Is this even feasible or okay?

To me, it sounds interesting in theory but impractical in practice. Its like a book or movie that says its 'a true story' or 'based on true events'. I remember reading of a quote form someone who made a true story. It was a diary of sorts, of the events he witnessed in the military I believe. They were asked a question: was their book 100% factual. or in other words, did he change it from the original writing he made in the military service,. The writer responded with something along the lines of 'If I simply printed my book without changing anything, no-one would buy or read it. Because it wouldn't be fun. It wouldn't be interesting.'

Essentially, reality never lives up to expectations. Just like a move is based on true events, those events have been exaggerated and changed in order to make the movie enjoyable. As such, this holds true to writing. While an extreme first person would be the reality of witnessing events, it wouldn't be as fun or interesting. You lose the emotion, the connections. you lose the reasons readers get attached to your story.

RE: Please Review my work!

#10
Hi, I noticed at least a couple of things in your work that stood out to me, and thought I’d pitch in my ‘two cents’:
“Saraphal” – “saraph” is the Hebrew word “Seraph” (Seraphim is plural) is derived from
“Raphael” – there is an Archangel with that name
Have you considered ‘retooling’ your work to either be about angels, or include angels in some way? 'Saraphal' sounds like a ‘Seraphim planet’ or something to me, and sounds vaguely Hebrew.
There’s plenty of essentially free info about angels online if you know where to look, but I would highly recommend “A Dictionary of Angels Including the Fallen Angels” (Gustav Davidson) as a great starting point, also try “Complete Books of Enoch”(Dr A Nyland), beyond that, there’s plenty of information online – also consider researching “In Nomine” and the “Shin Megami Tensei wiki” for more obscure stuff.
Wikipedia has SOME angel stuff, but personally I wouldn't recommend it as a starting point for that kind of research.
These are only suggestions, but I signed up specifically to write this post. Hope these suggestions help!