[Deleted]

IMO, most first chapters aren't as good as later chapters.

I would have asked for a review on my main work, but I would like it if you read through the 10 chapters published as of now.

But if you don't want to view the 10 chaps, here is what I would like you to review- http://royalroadl.com/fiction/5083/#review-45403

Hey,

Cool of you to make this offer. Could you have a look at the first chapter of Volume 2 of my story 'Saviour of the World'?
http://royalroadl.com/forum/showthread.php?tid=49036

It's high fantasy but rather than an OP hero, it's about the hero's kids who have been trained by the best but are never allowed to actually do anything dangerous (because parents). You don't have to read the first volume (deals with the parents) to understand what's going on.

Any and all comments welcome. Feel free to rage if you feel so inclined (although no VR or summoning so I'm hoping to get away with only a mild tongue lashing).

Cheers.

p.s. I use British spelling and terminology ('cos I is a Brit)

[Deleted]

Just in time for me to have gone over the first couple chapters (getting the other half done later, meh) and fixed up the grammar. One thing in particular that I would like suggestions on is if I chose wrongly on how to represent talking and other such things. In my latest chapter (7) I have the first combat and my response from /r/noveltranslations had a someone people dislike it (which is like a third of my responses so I don't have much to go on).

Anyway my novel is called NeoRealm - Staring back into the Future. A past life cut short. Cultivation in an earth with too little natural energy. A VR game which recognizes Qi while being able to dilate time to 5x instead of what was thought to be the max of 4x. Jason, called Jade in the game will have to find out with time as at the moment he is stuck on a backwater planet with tech similar to the 1940s. Don't worry the rest of the universe in the game will be bursting with high tech shenanigans.

TLDR: Reincarnated character can't cultivate on earth from lack of Qi. VR game somehow has it. Chapter 7 finally has combat so checking that out and telling me how badly I did that would be nice.

@ScorchedEarth,

There is a uh...unsettling news for you. But that one later.

Prologue+Ch1
1.Okay, I did explain this once in my notes later on  but...Prologue+Ch1...are uh I wrote it while I was high. Like really high when you're on a tonne of weed and a girl tried to explain feminism in context to marxism in your ear. This is no excuse but, when I sobered up, I realized I had a story in name of HTSAS101. It's how a dark fantasy had such a weird name.
2. Erm. Probably my 2nd or 3rd? I dunno. I started learning English when I was 5? with my other native languages. But again, I don't like putting this as an excuse. The grammar is shit, gotta improve myself.
3. Hmm, the books I am used to reading, like something from the old masters have thoughts, quotes and narration all packed into same para. I think I picked it up like that. But I think you can use thoughts and quotes along with narration in the same para if its from the same character?

Chapter-2
1. Yes, again I made mistakes on the tense. I need a proof-reader!

Okay, now for the unsettling news. You missed a chapter. I assume you read it in two sittings and seeing how you mention Prologue as CH1 and CH1 as Ch2, I think you thought that when you were sitting for second time and...missed a chapter. Yes the chapter that explains the hippos, Arin and other stuff. 3.500~ words worth of stuff


As for the little lore bits at start of every chap, I don't know which one you are talking about so I will explain both.
1. The Rolsberg bit- Well...I don't think we are able to correctly translate Sumerian texts to English of today. Even Old English won't work. Same with that. The Scroll is  in some ancient text that thay had to transcribe to their current language with mixing old words for effect. I know readers expect the text to be as is the Scroll but I just thought maybe I'll add  in some realism?
this is unrelated but...why do you think the scroll is uh...even important? It might just be a story some noob author wrote in his early days lol. Not every lost scroll is a secret history or something. Some might even be sex manuals and shit.

2. Azulai and Elf creation of world myth- Well. I haven't explained it explicitly yet, but known history of Sangraal is approx 15000+15000 years. The schism is Before Covenant and After Covenant.  The Azulai bit is the Elf scholar explaining the human view and the 'shit' part is his own opinion. The timestamp is in recent A.C. Millenia.Again, translated from Elvish to Human tongue.

Quote:
... Dammit, you made me interested in your main work.

Reverse Psych 101. You wouldn't have accepted if I didn't do the tease.  Thats how I got readers to read Mai-chan too. *dont tell anyone*

A lot of things in my story are  not explained then and there. Explanations may come 4 chapters later. I don't do instant gratification. I try to build it up...and more and more then...boom. I don't know how much successful I am in that in my story though.

Some readers have pointed out 'plotholes' which I explained in comments. Would be good if you read the few comments there are.

I really hope you will read it till end. In correct order. 

Hello, wondering if anyone can look at my fictions first chapter/s, since I'm well aware that they are by far the weakest in the fiction.
However, before attempting to overhaul it I wanted to see what someone else thought is wrong with it as I'm not very good at self-criticism.

Basically, my fiction is a first-person story focused on an ex-raider called Raegan within a fantasy medieval setting. (Without the use of VR or reincarnation)
Within this world are dead, abandoned regions called Forgotten Lands that are swarming with monsters and other unsavory types. As a result of a magical cataclysm being the cause of these areas, magic has been persecuted for thousands of years, with those 'gifted' with magic being hunted down and executed by those who view magic as 'evil'.

Currently I don't have an overall goal for the character to complete, with no handy demon-lords to slay or current interest of world-domination. Nor is the character a over-used arch-type of 'hero', or 'damaged evil guy'.
Instead I'm  more interested in showing his attempts to gain a foothold in the world, all the while hiding the fact he knows magic, albeit very limited levels as of now.

Anyways I'm rambling to much, but I hope someone can look at my first chapter so I have an idea what to improve.

'ScorchedEarth22' pid='512031' dateline='1454270527' Wrote: It has really become apparent that despite this reviews forum, it is hard to get someone to actually review your work, especially if your work doesn't fall into the main niches on RRL. ..

I'm trying to escape from the cliche in my work, slowly let the mc live through many experience, which later form his personality. The mc would have many flaws, perhaps easily manipulated, he hadn't quite his own personality yet but try to conform/compromise with people around him, etc.

I also want to portray female characters who are not merely attracted to the mc because the mc is so cool, but rather had their own hidden agenda, etc. I'm trying to balance between hateful and likable, I mean like, "oh she's so evil, but I can sympathize with her." character. I'm not sure if it is possible though.

I'm afraid the first few chapters wasn't quite original, since at the beginning, I was thinking of writing a fanfic but after writing for about 20 chapters, I want to make it an original and freed myself from the label "fanfic".

My problem is :
1. English isn't my 1st language, grammar is quite my biggest concern.
2. I want to write a believable + likable mc. (I'm not sure how much I succeed in doing that.)
3. I want other characters, had depth in them. (same with above, I'm not sure how much I achieved that at this moment.)
4. Rather than writing an established mc, I want mc who is growing into a heroic character. And when I say grow, it isn't just about his stat, but also his personality.

If you had time to read and give a review :

Here's the link.

I appreciate it and thanks a lot.

'Hanmeng' pid='513042' dateline='1454331511' Wrote: If you had time to read and give a review :

Here's the link.

I appreciate it and thanks a lot.

OOh is it Indian Mythology or Chinese?

'ScorchedEarth22' pid='512683' dateline='1454302681' Wrote: - Pacing is good.
- Use transitions words. Learn them, memorize them, know them by heart. They are your friend. A good example is "A shadow fell over her. " Which should probably be "Suddenly, a shadow fell over her."
- Occasionally you tend to replace commas with periods, making two sentences where it flows better as one slightly longer sentence. I recommend reading your work out loud. Anything that sounds odd when you say it probably needs rewritten/revised.
- The story doesn't really draw me in until the end of the chapter, when the two children's parentage is finally mentioned. I'm assuming that it would have done so even more had I read the first volume, but regardless its so late in the first chapter that a lot of people will have stopped reading by then. Simply put, not a lot happens. Merchant tradery has its merits (my own fiction actually revolves around a merchant) but simply put the first half feels kind of forced and boring. 
- I'll give it 3 stars for now. While it did eventually draw me in enough to intrigue me, it was only after a drudged through the rest of the chapter. Considering this is the second volume in a series, anyone who has reached this point will probably read through the end of the chapter, but that's really  a bad excuse and a bad way to look at it. Consider revising.

Hey, thanks very much of taking the time and providing me with feedback. Very much appreciated. If you'd like me to return the favour please let me know. Cheers.

[Deleted]

'ScorchedEarth22' pid='513496' dateline='1454361667' Wrote: Overall: The synopsis tells of a tale with intrigue and lots of potential, and while your reviews seem to say that it improves a lot after the first chapter, Your first chapter is barely readable at best. Your fiction can be good as gold but (besides the voodoo magic here at RRL) if your story can't live on it front legs, then readers are going to leave it for something new, like what I'm doing now. I'll be generous and rate this 2 out of 5 stars, as apparently your later chapters are good enough to have earned you a decent readership. However, make no mistake, you could be doing tons better if you took the time to fix the intro.

Thanks for the reply and taking the time to read my first chapters.
I'll be sure to re-read it all over and fix the living hell out of it!

[Deleted]

'ScorchedEarth22' pid='513588' dateline='1454364720' Wrote: Ok, sorry, almost missed you there. I'm going to be focusing on chapter 7's combat exclusively (because like a first chapter, combat can make or break a fiction). Let's begin:
- you've got the biggest hurdle down pat, which is speed and detail. More often than not, if you read your fiction out loud, it should feel like the action is happening in slow motion. When you read it in your head or hear it, it should look fine, but that slow motion is a sign that you're using enough detail to keep the reader interested. However...
- GRAMMAR!!! IF you learn to use correct grammar, and go back and fix the shit-fest of issues in the chapter (and presumably the rest of the fiction) you'll be doing above the par. But as it stands now, I nearly kicked a fucking orphan! Heaven forbid someone reads that in a nursery!!!

Long story short you've got a good start and an interesting topic (Thanks for being my first sci-fi, I love sci-fi), but your grammar is literally strangling everything good about your fiction. Yes, I know I said I'd stick to exclusively reviewing the combat, but it draws away from your combat significantly, so too bad. Keep at it, you're up to a good start, just... you know... proofreader. Please.

Yes, good thing you did not read it in a nursery. After all, how would you score it? By distance or rebounds? Anyway, as for grammar I must admit I was fearing that. I am going over what I have done with prowritingaid.com which seems to like colors more than black and white at the moment. So glad I found the site while going through the forums here. Probably going to help me so much with any future writing I do.

[Deleted]

'Durrendal' pid='513169' dateline='1454341472' Wrote:

'Hanmeng' pid='513042' dateline='1454331511' Wrote: If you had time to read and give a review :

Here's the link.

I appreciate it and thanks a lot.

OOh is it Indian Mythology or Chinese?

The setting is in China, but neither Chinese or Indian I guess. At later phase, the mc would ascend to higher realm and met three "gods" that might represent Brahma, Visnu and Shiva. They're not Brahma, Visnu and Shiva. It just that one dealing with creating, one with preserve and the other is just all about destroying. Each rule certain period of time.

The idea is, any being ascend to higher realm had the chance to fill the role => preserve & destroy, both who currently hold these two role, didn't know when the one who held the creating role took his role. He was much older than both of them, etc. Once you got the role, the role will start to affect them too. But each still retain their personality, etc.

Something like that.

The mc anyway during his lifetime, through various experience and discovery, fulfill the requirement to be their avatar (preserve or destroy), to represent their power on earth. They will offered that position to him, both trying to make the mc choose their side.

I'm not sure how it goes from there, would he choose side, or stay freelance, or trying to take the seat from one of them, etc. Its still too far in the future. Right now, I focused on how the kingdom formed, human kingdom, demon kingdom & zombie kingdom.

Human kingdom would had many factions, at first they're united. After they defeated the demons, they will fight among themselves. The mc will have conflict with his benefactor, losing homes, etc.

---

'ScorchedEarth22' pid='513588' dateline='1454364720' Wrote: ...
Well, you've admitted to already being aware of your fiction's shortcomings, so I'll do you a favor; this review will be a little more grammar-sentric. My biggest piece of advice to you is to A. Find an english-native writer who is willing to help proof-read and improve your work. An easy way to do this is to go on /r/writing on reddit sometime around college mid-terms. There will be a shit ton of budding young editors looking to edit someone's work, as long as they can use an edited sample as proof of their assignment. Also, B. Invest in an english grammar book and consult it often while writing. C. Use word or something with a grammar check function. It's not good to become dependant on such tools, but they can help.
....

Ok, the story so far definitely pulls from the whole "gods are playing us for entertainment" and "VR/stats for MC and other characters" cliches, but your perverted trio were enough to keep me intrigued enough to keep reading through the end of the chapter. I'll give you 2 and 1/2 out of 5 stars, a it's a good start but your grammar is really hurting you.

GOOD LUCK!!! NEXT!!!

---

Thanks for your review, ugh... I didn't realize the grammar hurt me that much, :P. About spelling, sometime I missed few words here and there, because I wrote directly on blogger instead using text editor before copy-paste it in there. About looking for native English speaker to edit it for me, I will give it a try.

I hope I will find someone who are willing to help.

ADD:: I try to re-write the 1st chapter after checked it using online grammar checker. Maybe you have the time to take a look once again ...? Do you think its good enough after I use grammar checker?

Thanks

Just drop a link and a synopsis, eh?

All right, then.

http://royalroadl.com/fiction/2397

It's a story-driven mega-crossover battle royale with Critically Acclaimed Grammar (Trademark Pending), featuring characters from an absurd amount of universes! Logic is kicked to the curb and replaced by pure Rule of Cool! I should probably stop shouting!

It's written so that specific knowledge of each character isn't necessary (though I have heard conflicting views on the effectiveness of this strategy). So yeah, if you could give it a look, that'd be great.

[Deleted]

Scorched brought all this trouble on himsel, HA HA! (point at you and laugh!) ^_^

[Deleted]