Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#1
Hi Penguinios! I'm 8 chapters into my first story ever. Of course,  I just had to write it in a foreign language.
Anyways:
After great feedback, and much over-thinking I'm content with the thing. Please be a Gordon and crush my bubble of disillusion.

Reasons left why I still find this particular synopsis hard:


1. I intend to have several MCs. Some which I want to have introduced later. Some early ones will likely die. I feel like I'll be lying if I talk about the early ones. At the same time, readers might wonder what's going on, if the person in the synopsis isn't in the first 7 chapters. Maybe It'd be resolved if I'd put in some earlier chapters with said person, but in that case there would briefly be two disjointed stories.


New Synopsis:

Humanity, in its biological form, would never survive as it is. That’s why the UN has its full focus on “The Humanity Initiative”. The field of genetics shows promising results, but are years from ready. If bombs were to fly tomorrow, something must survive. Recent VR technology has a potential candidate for that something.

Farah Al Farzha never plays online, she loathes the very idea of it. She is in love with reality, and competitive fencing is her way to prove it. But when she reluctantly went online, she couldn’t exit, or at least a copy of her consciousness couldn’t.

Human, but juridically speaking no more, Farah struggles in a game that would’ve been illegal. To her only consolation, the game is modeled after reality, a place foreign to the gaming brats around her. But what demands do the UN put on potential ‘human’ survivor candidates, and how will natural selection be replaced, when reality is no more?
Outdated Synopsis. Thanks, ShiftyCake!

Stuck in the glitchiest game ever, KimZor, the “only sane person around,” tries to power level. But the game’s fighting system is all messed up; A day has passed, but not a single lvl 1 Rabbit has been slain. His sidekicks, two cases of compulsory potato disorder, barely make things better.
 
While our remarkably sane hero swears over not having any bacon spells, governmental interests clash, not that anyone cares about IRL stuff. One of the potatoists' mum might, but to be honest, after kindergarten, most people never set foot offline.
---
What to expect:

  • Plot armor with 1/35 durability

  • No lucky OP-ness

  • Possible irony concerning KimZors sanity

  • Possibly saner characters


Outdated synopsis. Thanks, WhoCares.

Being stuck in the glitchiest game ever, KimZor, the “only sane person around,” tries to power level as well as he can. But the game’s fighting system is all messed up; A day has passed, but not a single lvl 1 [Rabbit] has been slain. His sidekicks, two cases of compulsory potato disorder, barely make things better.

While our remarkably sane hero swears over not having a bacon spell, governmental interests clashes in the real world, not that anyone cares about IRL stuff, but one of the potatoists' mums would, was she asked.

Below is a flashback, with her included. It would've been a nice, mysterious prologue, but you've read this instead, so you could as well skip to chapter 1. Who cares about back story anyways. Don't read it! :)

####################################

“Darling, remember when virtual gaming was a new thing? When people began living online rather than just staying there for a few games? When real life activities were almost as common as online ones? No, of course you don’t. I know your grandpa doesn’t like it, me talking about these things, but I think it’s important that you at least imagine a life in reality. Not like it would’ve been today, but as it once was: a place where people played, laughed, explored, thrived… A world where space was plentiful, but energy not. A place where people enjoyed each others company, shared experiences, touched each other, all knowing that it happened for real, in its utmost sense… Sob… Where families…Sob”

“Mum, why are you crying”

Two thick hands covered the youngling’s ears from behind.

“Beth, are you forcing your ideologies to my kiddo again?”
“Please, it's not an ideology, it's realism. I think it's time to..."
“God, why do you haft to be so religious about reality? No one I know has ever lived there, and that’s for the better. Tell me, has any of your fanatics’ forums ever hatched a truly skilled pro?”
“No, but that’s not the point. He's old enough to…”
“That’s exactly the point! Stop messing with the kiddos potential, or I’ll disown your noob of a husband, and raise him myself.”




https://i.imgflip.com/1gs1wq.jpg
<(^^< )

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#2
Just a few tweaks. Larger critique below.


Stuck in the glitchiest game ever, KimZor, the “only sane person around,” tries to power level as well as he can. But the game’s fighting system is all messed up. A day has passed, but not a single lvl 1 [Rabbit] has been slain. His sidekicks, two cases of compulsory potato disorder, barely make things better.

While our remarkably sane hero swears over not having a bacon spell, governmental interests clash in the real world, not that anyone cares about IRL stuff, but one of the potatoists' mums would, was she asked.

Below is a flashback, with her included. It would've been a nice, mysterious prologue, but you've read this instead, so you could as well skip to chapter 1. Who cares about back story anyways. Don't read it! :)

####################################

“Darling, remember when virtual gaming was a new thing? When people began living online rather than just staying there for a few games? When real life activities were almost as common as online ones? No, of course you don’t. I know your grandpa doesn’t like it, me talking about these things, but I think it’s important that you at least imagine a life in reality. Not like it would’ve been today, but as it once was: a place where people played, laughed, explored, thrived… A world where space was plentiful, but energy not. A place where people enjoyed each others company, shared experiences, touched each other, all knowing that it happened for real, in its utmost sense… Sob… Where families…Sob”

“Mum, why are you crying”

Two thick hands covered the youngling’s ears from behind.

“Beth, are you forcing your ideologies on my kiddo again?”
“Please, it's not an ideology, it's realism. I think it's time to..."
“God, why do you haft to be so religious about reality? No one I know has ever lived there, and that’s for the better. Tell me, has any of your fanatics’ forums ever hatched a truly skilled pro?”
“No, but that’s not the point. He's old enough to…”
“That’s exactly the point! Stop messing with the kiddos potential, or I’ll disown your noob of a husband, and raise him myself.”

https://i.imgflip.com/1gs1wq.jpg
<(^^< )
[/quote]

I think it's a bit long, you might wanna cut the prologue and make it a proper chapter all its own. Other than that, I love the blurring of lines between reality and fiction. Good luck with your story!
https://goo.gl/tHnDsL
A proud member of Writers to The End - We finish our fictions!
[My Website
]

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#3
'WhoCares' pid='819771' dateline='1483065943' Wrote: Just a few tweaks. Larger critique below.





Stuck in the glitchiest game ever, KimZor, the “only sane person around,” tries to power level as well as he can. But the game’s fighting system is all messed up. A day has passed, but not a single lvl 1 [Rabbit] has been slain. His sidekicks, two cases of compulsory potato disorder, barely make things better.

While our remarkably sane hero swears over not having a bacon spell, governmental interests clash in the real world, not that anyone cares about IRL stuff, but one of the potatoists' mums would, was she asked.

Below is a flashback, with her included. It would've been a nice, mysterious prologue, but you've read this instead, so you could as well skip to chapter 1. Who cares about back story anyways. Don't read it! :)

####################################

“Darling, remember when virtual gaming was a new thing? When people began living online rather than just staying there for a few games? When real life activities were almost as common as online ones? No, of course you don’t. I know your grandpa doesn’t like it, me talking about these things, but I think it’s important that you at least imagine a life in reality. Not like it would’ve been today, but as it once was: a place where people played, laughed, explored, thrived… A world where space was plentiful, but energy not. A place where people enjoyed each others company, shared experiences, touched each other, all knowing that it happened for real, in its utmost sense… Sob… Where families…Sob”

“Mum, why are you crying”

Two thick hands covered the youngling’s ears from behind.

“Beth, are you forcing your ideologies on my kiddo again?”
“Please, it's not an ideology, it's realism. I think it's time to..."
“God, why do you haft to be so religious about reality? No one I know has ever lived there, and that’s for the better. Tell me, has any of your fanatics’ forums ever hatched a truly skilled pro?”
“No, but that’s not the point. He's old enough to…”
“That’s exactly the point! Stop messing with the kiddos potential, or I’ll disown your noob of a husband, and raise him myself.”

https://i.imgflip.com/1gs1wq.jpg
<(^^< )

I think it's a bit long, you might wanna cut the prologue and make it a proper chapter all its own. Other than that, I love the blurring of lines between reality and fiction. Good luck with your story!

Thank you very much! You gave me a great insight in where I need to improve my writing, as well as reminding me of what i need to be extra mindful of, English-wise. Thank you!
I wrote the prologue earlier as a sort of "temporary synopsis". I fell in love a bit too much with it, but thanks to you, I decided to make it a proper prologue instead.

I would say thank you again, but instead I'll wish you a great night!...
Thank you.
Trying to write: The Humanity Initiative

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#5
Your synopsis right now doesn't flow very well. I've done a few changes to make it flow better:

KimZor, the resident "sanest sane person", is stuck in the glitchiest game ever. Deciding to ignore the catastrophe that is the game's fighting system, KimZor attempts to power through level after level. But a day has passed, and not a single lv 1 Rabbit has been slain. His sidekicks, -this doesn’t make sense-.

While our remarkably sane hero swears over not having any bacon spells, governmental interests clash in the real world. But then, who cares about the real world? Maybe one of the sidekick’s mum’s might but, to be honest, after kindergarten most people never set foot offline.


Another thing is that the part about the 'potato disorder' doesn't make any sense without context. Don't put something that'll confuse the readers in the synopsis, it'll put them off.

You have a good foundation. It is fun to read. Just keep the words flowing, and make sure you don't confuse the reader. Also I might recommend you put in a little bit of extra information letting us know what's happening in the story (like is he going to be getting strong in the game, or is the plot revolving around the government clash etc.).

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#6
'ShiftyCake' pid='819843' dateline='1483234199' Wrote:

Your synopsis right now doesn't flow very well. I've done a few changes to make it flow better:

KimZor, the resident "sanest sane person", is stuck in the glitchiest game ever. Deciding to ignore the catastrophe that is the game's fighting system, KimZor attempts to power through level after level. But a day has passed, and not a single lv 1 Rabbit has been slain. His sidekicks, -this doesn’t make sense-.

While our remarkably sane hero swears over not having any bacon spells, governmental interests clash in the real world. But then, who cares about the real world? Maybe one of the sidekick’s mum’s might but, to be honest, after kindergarten most people never set foot offline.


Another thing is that the part about the 'potato disorder' doesn't make any sense without context. Don't put something that'll confuse the readers in the synopsis, it'll put them off.

You have a good foundation. It is fun to read. Just keep the words flowing, and make sure you don't confuse the reader. Also I might recommend you put in a little bit of extra information letting us know what's happening in the story (like is he going to be getting strong in the game, or is the plot revolving around the government clash etc.).

Thank you very much for some wonderful feedback! You've showed me that there's a whole different level out there, one I'm hankering to approach.To have words as suiting as "resident"  pouring fluently to my mind, that would be amazing.

I'll update my synopsis with your tweaks, if that's OK with you. It seems as if I accidentally viewed the "potato disorder" thing from the wrong angle, the angle of someone who knows what it's about. I was hoping to display KimZOr as someone looking down on the people around him, at the same time as introducing a hint of humor. Sorry for the result. And thank you for showing it to me.

I've thought for a while, and think I might have pinpointed what I'm wondering about the most. I put it into the original thread message. I, for a couple of reasons, find it hard to reveal what the story is about without spoiling things, or having the first chapters being weird.
Trying to write: The Humanity Initiative

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#7
Glad I could help! Now let me give you a great, and interesting, bit of information. People look forward to a story more when it is spoiled.

Yep! That's right. I read a case study on this concept, which (through a multitude of human studies) found that, on average, our enjoyment levels when reading a book increases by a large margin when we already know the direction the book is going.

After reading the case study, I tested it out with my own reading. I've noticed the same thing and come to the same conclusion, so I can say with pretty much 100% guarantee that spoilers isn't something you need to avoid.

Now this doesn't mean that you just go spoiling every little thing for the reader, that'd have an adverse affect. They'd get annoyed at the fact that you're not giving them the opportunity to piece things together for themselves. All this study means is that it is okay to spoil things. There is no need to write your story around keeping something a secret, or doing an amazing reveal later on.  A lot of writers make their story poorer when they try and do this.

And this relates to the synopsis as well. Readers want to know what the story is about before they go in. So it's okay to spoil a bit of the story and let them know the context, or the direction the story is heading toward.
-------------------
If your story has multiple main characters, then your synopsis should focus on the story events or on the 'main' main character (the one that is considered the central character), and then just include a short note at the end letting readers know that the story will have multiple main characters. Introducing each main character individually in the synopsis goes against the point of a synopsis. it'll be tedious and quickly lose the readers interest.

A synopsis is about two things:

1. Letting the reader know what the story is about

2. Grabbing the readers interest

If you do those two things well, then you have a good synopsis.

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#8
Thank you very much! I had a hunch of how to do my next synopsis attempt, and your response confirmed some parts and likely improved others. I'll leave another reply when its done. I'll likely wanna get it done before posting my next chapter :D

Question: what if the 'main' main character won't be introduced for the fist 10-20 chapters?, would mentioning her in the synopsis confuse people when reading the early chapters?

I wonder If the study you presented is related to people enjoying re-reading a story, or claiming it to be worth it, reading a light novel even after doing the manga. It feels like this is sort of interlinked with movie trailers too :D.

Another paranoia: My story is slightly slow early on. There's a new environment introduced, which I don't think the characters should adapt too fast or fluidly to. Anyhow, the chapters are short (2000-3000 words), which makes me wonder if I should stack them together, making the chapters fewer. At least that's from a readers view, who might drop the story if litRPG-esque progression starts of first around chapter 9. Somehow I wish for a pro like you to say: "nono, that won't matter, just keep on writing."But the detail bugs me. x)
Trying to write: The Humanity Initiative

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#9
'DoktorBBQ' pid='819951' dateline='1483444141' Wrote: Thank you very much! I had a hunch of how to do my next synopsis attempt, and your response confirmed some parts and likely improved others. I'll leave another reply when its done. I'll likely wanna get it done before posting my next chapter :D

Question: what if the 'main' main character won't be introduced for the fist 10-20 chapters?, would mentioning her in the synopsis confuse people when reading the early chapters?

I wonder If the study you presented is related to people enjoying re-reading a story, or claiming it to be worth it, reading a light novel even after doing the manga. It feels like this is sort of interlinked with movie trailers too :D.

Another paranoia: My story is slightly slow early on. There's a new environment introduced, which I don't think the characters should adapt too fast or fluidly to. Anyhow, the chapters are short (2000-3000 words), which makes me wonder if I should stack them together, making the chapters fewer. At least that's from a readers view, who might drop the story if litRPG-esque progression starts of first around chapter 9. Somehow I wish for a pro like you to say: "nono, that won't matter, just keep on writing."But the detail bugs me. x)

Right, slow pace early on is a killer. If you go that route, insert something that makes the reader stick around until it picks up. Also, if you're not introducing your main main character early on, then just make sure people know that that is your main MC. Maybe make the first few chapters a preface or something. Shouldn't be a problem putting him in the synopsis itself though. And if the story is slow early on, maybe you can increase the pace a little. I know it seems like you're desecrating your art, but sometimes its necessary. Stacking chapters? hmm, it might give the illusion that it gets fast paced faster than if they were separate chaps, but idk. I'd end up skimming through the first chap if it was long and slow, unless it was rich enough for me to enjoy tasting slowly.
https://goo.gl/tHnDsL
A proud member of Writers to The End - We finish our fictions!
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RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#10
my memory isn't perfect, but the study, as far as I remember, was done by gathering a group of volunteers who are readers. They were sat down without knowing exactly why they were there, and then they were told to read a book that was given to them. Some of the volunteers had the story 'accidentally' spoiled to them before they started reading, where as others went in not knowing anything. During the different parts of the test, the examiners went back in and asked whether they were enjoying the book. The people who had the story spoiled for them were found to enjoy the book more then the people who didn't.

As for how you go about the 'main' main character, it all depends on context. For what reasons is the main character introduced later on? Is the reason necessary for the story, does it hold meaning? Figure out where the character fits, and that'll help you understand how they fit into the synopsis as well.

And with the slow story, what kind of environment is the characters facing? You'd be surprised at how fast humans are able to adapt to new and turbulent situations. Most stories don't give us enough credit. And extreme conditions are actually the fastest to get through, contrary to popular belief. There are a number of ways you can react to an extreme condition, but it'll never be a slow process, whether you break, forge ahead or otherwise.

if you've built your character/s in a way that will process the new environment slowly, then that's fine. Some people adapt faster then others. Some don't like change, and will attempt to shut it out rather then accept things. There are many different responses, but they are all character-related.

Just don't have your characters take it slowly because you believe that is what is required, because it isn't. Humans are one of the most adaptable creatures on Earth.

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#11
Alright! Thank you two for the excellent feedback! From inspiration, and divine mentoring, I've made a new monstrosity of a synopsis(found here and at the beginning of the thread)

Virtual gaming has been around for ages. Many live their entire lives online, not caring about what’s left of the real world. The few who do, fear nuclear annihilation. The risk of an unfortunate chain reaction is too large to ignore, but as of now, prevention is impossible.

Humanity, in its biological form, would never survive as it is. That’s why the UN has its full focus on “The Humanity Initiative”. The field of genetics shows promising results, but are years from ready. If bombs were to fly tomorrow, something must survive. Recent VR technology has a potential candidate for that something.

Farah Al Farzha never plays online, she loathes the very idea of it. She is in love with reality, and competitive fencing is her way to prove it. But when she reluctantly went online, she couldn’t exit, or at least a copy of her consciousness couldn’t.

Human, but juridically speaking no more, Farah struggles in a game that would’ve been illegal. To her only consolation, the game is modeled after reality, a place foreign to the gaming brats around her. But what demands do the UN put on potential ‘human’ survivor candidates, and how will natural selection be replaced, when reality is no more?

The 'main' main character is now in the synopsis. It didn't bleed as hard as I though. Just finished chapter 9, just some charts and proofreading to do. She show up in the next chapter :D. Adding to that, I'll be sneaky and make my first 2 chapters a prologue. main MC showing up in chapter 8 shouldn't be too bad, should it? Otherwise I'll get sneakier... ;)

Thank you two for the feedback! I hope that there's a night and day difference between the new one and the old one. At least it feels like it to me. :)

On the study: The cynical me wonders if there's a way to make sure the participants weren't trying to compensate in the rating for what they felt that they' should've' experienced. Anyhow, your conclusions are awesome(y), likelihood-wise and purpose-wise. :D
Trying to write: The Humanity Initiative

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#13
'WhoCares' pid='819969' dateline='1483463271' Wrote: *few who do
*the UN
*the field of genetics (i guess?)
*she loathes
*but when she reluctantly...she couldn't leave
You could also make some of the earlier sentences less broken with all those interruptions. Anywho, much better than before. Good luck!

Wihoo! Oh, darn, I didn't mistake 1,2 and 4, did I?
I did to genetics what some religious people tends to to to "science". Sorry about that xD.
Wow! Thanks for the flow! :D
Trying to write: The Humanity Initiative

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#14
Absolutely love the new synopsis, it's better then my own (haha). Any critiques from here would be very minor. Only thing I'll mention is work on making it flow better. Good luck with your story!

Edit: Actually, I should mention something else. Don't do prologues, even if you think you need it. Most readers will skip prologues, as they're usually filled with information unnecessary for them to read the story. When I did a prologue in an older story, I found about 1/10 of my readers would actually read it, with the other 9/10's would skip straight to the first chapter.

So if your prologue is important, find a way to make it the first chapter. Otherwise let it go.

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#15
'ShiftyCake' pid='819982' dateline='1483497814' Wrote: Absolutely love the new synopsis, it's better then my own (haha). Any critiques from here would be very minor. Only thing I'll mention is work on making it flow better. Good luck with your story!

Edit: Actually, I should mention something else. Don't do prologues, even if you think you need it. Most readers will skip prologues, as they're usually filled with information unnecessary for them to read the story. When I did a prologue in an older story, I found about 1/10 of my readers would actually read it, with the other 9/10's would skip straight to the first chapter.

So if your prologue is important, find a way to make it the first chapter. Otherwise let it go.

I'm actually very salty about that. My prologues have no infodumps yet people skip em. I make sure to force em to go back, muahahaha
https://goo.gl/tHnDsL
A proud member of Writers to The End - We finish our fictions!
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RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#16
Thank you ShiftyCake! I've had a look at your work and I'm honored to have blessed by your giudance. (Ooh, getting word poopy here xD ) On the Prologue part: the two chapters were skippable to begin with. I'm content (as of now) with their quality, but they're skippable. They only server to give the reader a better feeling for two of the MC's, and the world. I've written my most lenghty and intriquate poop jokes ever in (what's now) chapter 2 and 3. The joke sort of works without the prologue (earlier chapter 1) but it gets a bit off. But that's about it. Everyone enter the 'game' in the new chapter 1. Thats where the world of the 'game' will be introduced at first, thus the 'prologue' is kinda skippable. If my readers arehorny for action, because that is something that I'll want to put focus on, They'll likely want to skip the prologue, so I guess that would be OK, at least to me. It suckas a bit to be down to '7' chapters instead of '9' though xD.

I'll try working on the flow. It's hard, because I don't realy have a good grasp or feeling for what it is, at least not in english. In Swedish i might have a feeling, but i can't translate it. I'll try to google some litterature on the topic. "Flow" Feels like a wall of artistic Concertina barbed wire.

Thank you WhoCares! I'll try to mention later in chapter 2's authors comment that the prologue part 1/2 is going to be needed to get a poop joke reference. :)

With all your praise and help, I guess the thread is done, sort of. Unless a Gordon of another area comes to bless me. Thank you very much! This has ment a lot to me.
Trying to write: The Humanity Initiative

RE: Gordon Ramsay my synopsis

#17
'DoktorBBQ' pid='819739' dateline='1483006204' Wrote: [/spoiler]
New Synopsis:

Humanity, in its biological form, would never survive as it is. That’s why the UN has its full focus on “The Humanity Initiative”. The field of genetics shows promising results, but are years from ready. If bombs were to fly tomorrow, something must survive. Recent VR technology has a potential candidate for that something.

Farah Al Farzha never plays online, she loathes the very idea of it. She is in love with reality, and competitive fencing is her way to prove it. But when she reluctantly went online, she couldn’t exit, or at least a copy of her consciousness couldn’t.

Human, but juridically speaking no more, Farah struggles in a game that would’ve been illegal. To her only consolation, the game is modeled after reality, a place foreign to the gaming brats around her. But what demands do the UN put on potential ‘human’ survivor candidates, and how will natural selection be replaced, when reality is no more?

https://i.imgflip.com/1gs1wq.jpg
<(^^< )

Maybe this might help? Fresh perspective anyways. 



Did they finally do something right? The U.N., that is. Vaccines, antibiotics, and no end to the lilac-scented, sanitized floors, halls, and dirt. This isn't how mammals live, the scientists argued. But who is to say that to an ailing child? Let alone thousands of them. Millions, perhaps. We became dependent on drugs that were once a luxury to most. And now we are facing the consequences. 

Farah Al Farzha was one of the few that rebelled against sanctioned solitude. She fought for each breath of air, caustic and acrid as it was, rather than face the solitude of walls. Everyone lived inside. Inside a new world. Virtual Reality was born to house man-kinds newest entertainment sectors, but know it was adopted for another purpose. Perhaps humanity was cursed to dwindle to nothing, abandoning time-honoured environments and advances, but that is not where their strengths lay. It never did. Humanity thrived on its intelligence. And now there was too many of them; each too weak to stand up against the common cold without something artificial entering their veins. But now they could be saved. Rather, the important part of society saved: their minds. Bodies would fall apart without fail, but the mind could be sharpened and housed. They could be saved from the looming threat of extinction either from the hand of man or the maw of nature. It required one little sacrifice: to enter into a chamber. That was all. Then they were free to roam the world, true or false, without care of illness or injury. 

At least that is what they were told.  

 

I have only read the synopsis and have no idea where the story is going so take it with a grain of salt. Had a spark of inspiration and could have likely butchered your plans, but, well, yeah? Tell me what you think!