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  • Noah Bradley: Their Mournful Tones



Constructive feedback needed

#9
@dropped. Reviewing chapter by chapter isn't in my opinion, an effective way to review or give advice unless it's dealing with grammar or structure-related issues. That'd be similar to reviewing a wheel on its own merit when it's designed to be attached to a bike or a car. I'll just address a few things here real quick though since you mentioned them. A lot of your questions I don't feel need an answer. Mostly because this is only the prologue. Many of your questions are answered later.

- A lot of the detail and information provided is respecting the reader's intelligence to create something in their head. For example, I gave four hints to the reader as to what sort of device a portcom is: it rang(like an alarm), he flipped it open, he could hold it in the palm of his hand, and was able to read a message. To me, these hints work well enough to explain what it is. A bit more information about it is revealed later, but for the time being, there's no need for Ryock to explain what it does. That'd be too much exposition and explanation, too much telling and not enough showing.

- I may change the "feral" part you mentioned since the audience won't understand its initial meaning in this world until it's later explained through events. So thank you for your critique on that part. That was a good catch.

- One of the 'nitpicks' you're mentioning is actually advice I'm following from another reviewer where they believed people preparing to go down to the planet would want to check each others' gear to be sure everything was in working order and that they had everything they needed. Hence the conversation between Ryock, Samantha, and Tamir about their gear. The extra bit by Tamir is intentional. The man is stressed, and he's trying to maintain his composure. Ryock and Samantha's stress levels are low in comparison to Tamir's. This is yet another, 'show, don't tell' example of what's going on with him. There's more to why he feels the way he does. Tamir is also not experienced in combat or dangerous scenarios. Ryock and Samantha however, are.

- Chasers are explained through another 'show, don't tell' in chapter 1 when Samantha says, "We’re chasers aren’t we? We’re not some stuck up military, we’re hired hands." This immediately tells the reader they're mercenaries. I can't reveal why, but Tamir trusts Ryock and Samantha to get jobs done quickly and effectively. They have a history. As far as Samantha's nervousness and Ryock's mention of their backstory is concerned, I think anyone who could go down to a planet without feeling nervous would be mentally unsound. Even hardened soldiers have combat stress and fear of death, but they still fight in wars and skirmishes.

- As far as your comment on slice of life goes, I said in the very first post that it's meant to have slice of life qualities. This story is meant to lean more on the side of something like Star Trek, not Star Wars. These people are trying to live out their lives while these events take place. It's meant to be thought provoking, emotional, and tense. You won't find tons of action in this series. It's there, but it's not the main course of the meal.

I hear you, though. I'll take this advice to heart and make some minor changes here and there, but there are several 'problems' you're mentioning that are quickly explained and remedied through actions in chapter 1 and 2.
How will you fare against your drive?

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