I've posted a story, and I want to take the story to the next level. For that I need reviews.

I'm willing to trade reviews for that. 

Here's my story https://royalroadl.com/fiction/10925

It's called "MALEFICENCE"

'Dragon God' pid='822426' dateline='1489752164' Wrote: I've posted a story, and I want to take the story to the next level. For that I need reviews.

I'm willing to trade reviews for that. 

Here's my story https://royalroadl.com/fiction/10925

It's called "MALEFICENCE"

Your chapters are quite a bit longer than mine, but I don't mind swapping reviews by chapter. How about I review 1 chapter of yours, then you review 1 chapter of mine, and so on? However many words of mine you review, I'll make sure to at least keep up.

I'll start first with a review of your prologue:

Quote:<Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!>


The sirens wailed and red lights were flashing everywhere dying, the room in a crimson hue. All the computers were indicating our impeding crisis. We were in a state of emergency; under the highest threat level.

<Incoming hostiles at 6 O' clock.>

I liked this. Good visuals. Exciting start.

Quote:

Damn! We'd been found out. How did it get this far? Our tracks were supposed to be non-existent, and our base perfectly hidden. This was but one of the thousands of safe houses we had all over the world. However, unlike the rest only Hercules, Dragon and I knew about it. The other members of The Knights of The Round Table shouldn't have been cognisant of its existence, let alone being able to find its location. How the hell did this happen? How did it get to this stage?

Shit! This shouldn't be possible. It wasn't supposed to go like this. Every component of my plan was more than ten times redundant, I had contingency measures in place for every foreseeable scenario, and even several unforeseeable scenarios. I wasn't going to get done in like a rookie, simply because I didn't plan for a possible scenario. I'd rigorously calculated probabilities, even going as far as to accommodate for Murphy's law and the planning fallacy. The probability of success of my plan should have been greater than 0.95. And my plan had been pulled off without a hitch; every component successfully executed. Yet I'd lost? How? Impossible. Ever since my rebirth 10 years ago, I'd put in more effort than anyone else. Painstakingly grooming myself to be stronger. Stronger and stronger, until I was the acme of human existence. Until I was strong enough to claim this world.

Redundant. The first paragraph would have been sufficient.

It's 2 entire paragraphs you going "INCONCEIVABLE!". You could cut most of it out. Stick to the action, less reflecting.

Okay, a bit more detail here.

If you want to give backstory, DON'T give it by having the protagonist reflect on his past in the MIDDLE OF AN EMERGENCY LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION. You can have him reflect on it when he's resting, or eating, or sleeping, or whatever. Any time which is not an emergency situation would be ok.

Quote:

I was no fool, I didn't believe in a just world; didn't believe that the Universe would reward me just because I'd laboured harder than the rest. No I was going to seize this world with my own hands, my own abilities. So I'd planned, painstaking, agonising, planning, laying my foundation preparing everything to win. I'd planned, until I was sure I could win. Until I was sure I would win. I'd done a lot in my quest for world domination, I'd overseen the assassination of two U.S presidents and several other heads of state. I'd formed countless alliances, I'd done everything. My preparations weren't lacking in the least. They were far more than enough. Yet how? How did it reach this stage? Just where did I go wrong? Was it when I spat in Arthur's face 6 months ago? Or even before that, was it when I fractured the United States of America a year ago? Or was it at the very beginning; was it when I started this war two years ago?

But I was prepared. Over prepared even. All of my plans had been flawlessly enacted. I'd gone to great lengths to make sure I didn't overlook anything. Even when the Knights of The Round Table abandoned the three of us, it was yet another scenario I had prepared suitable contingencies for. Even the movements of the British Imperialists had been accounted for. I had planned everything, choreographed this entire war. The break down of law and order globally as nation states ceased to exist. The crippling of military power across various countries. I had designed it all, yet another part of my gambit for this world. HOW? How could I then lose? What mistake did I make? How did it come to this? I'd been methodologically rational in all my moves, so where? Where did the error slip in? Did I not adhere to Bayescraft since my rebirth? So when? When was it? When was it that I stumbled?

None. I can't think back to anything I'd have done differently. All the decisions I made were the best possible under the available information. Even with hindsight bias, I can't think of any move I'd have made differently. Was not my game seamless?

Is that really true? Did I truly make no error? Were all my gambits truly Indefectible, the totality of my moves ideal? Can I objectively look at myself and say there was no defect in my schemes, no weakness in my strategy?

Was it really the Bayesian advised decision to reject Arthur 6 months ago? Would this not have been averted had I merely accepted him?

No? Absolutely not. To abase myself such that I take another as my liege, I wholeheartedly repudiate it. My soul renounces the very thought.

Is this not pride? The zenith of hubris?

Again, too much meandering.

Reflection can be good, if it is actually going somewhere.

This is just you going round in circles in your head thinking "where did i go wrong where did I go wrong" without any logical train of thought.

And what exactly is a "Bayesian advised decision"? You could explain some Bayescraft. That would be a better use of words than what you wrote.

The proper mental thoughts in response  to an emergency would be:

1. Figuring how out to respond.

2. Figuring out what happened.

You can mix these 2, but (1) is more important than (2). You had neither.

Quote:

"Lancelot! Snap out of it. We need to make a decision, and we need it made an hour ago". Dragon shouted as he rebuked me. Nevertheless, he was right this was no time to be stuck in a reverie, and even less appropriate a time to panic.

"Panopticon! Quantity and quality." I asked the supercomputer.

"60,162 personnel. Twelve 5 star espers, a hundred and fifty 4 star espers, three thousand 3 star espers, and 57 thousand 2 star espers."

A full esper corps. Arthur was really holding nothing back. To take them on would be a simpleton's errand.

I paused on "simpleton's errand" for about 2 seconds before I realized you meant "fool's errand".

Subjective preference, but please stick to common phrasing. It makes for a much smoother reading experience.

Quote:

Hercules was our main combatant, but he was just one person. Notwithstanding, using the doom bots he created, we could escape. Abandon this base, and lead half of our forces to face them. We had enough traps to stall them for a while, and we could self destruct the base after we fled. We'd randomly assign the remaining half of our robots different directions to flee in, ourselves disguising as them, or so they'd think, and move towards the most secure safe house within a thousand kilometers. Alternatively we could each go into 3 different directions. We'd go undercover, and a few months later, bounce back. As long as we had Panopticon, world domination was still feasible. We'd knock Arthur off his feet. It was still possible, it wasn't hopeless yet.

I have NO IDEA what is going on.

Is there an infodump I'm supposed to read before starting on the PROLOGUE? What the hell is a doom bot, what is Hercules, what is an esper, what is Panopticon, etc.

Please don't throw in TONS AND TONS  of alien words without ANY introduction or context.

This is a common mistake in amateur fiction that I see a lot.

Quote:
"Hercules prepare for plan ZA-10. Dragon, retrieve the SSDs that contain Panopticon's source code, we'd recreate it after we've escaped. We're going to go under."

"Plan ZA-10?!?! Are you off your rockers Lancelot? We'd go into hiding, and then what? Delphi would just locate Dragon and I again. What on earth are you thinking? Where's our fearless leader? The guy willing to sacrifice anything and everything for the pursuit of power. That's the man I chose to follow, not this sentimental excuse for a strategist."

Shouting, Hercules walked over to me in his massive 2.4 m frame, sporting a green T-shirt and Blue Jeans. He picked me up with one arm, and raised me up to his level. Forcing me to stare into his maroon eyes.


"In case you don't understand, let me spell it out for you; IT'S OVER! We have lost the war. Arthur's won. He's stronger than you Lancelot. Even if it were possible. Even if we could hypothetically escape, hypothetically go undercover, then what next? Resurface just to get crushed again? Face it Lancelot: You're WEAK."

He threw me down on the hard metal floor. Looking down on me with a mix of disappointment and disgust.


"Now give me an order I can adhere to captain. "

He was right. I was being overly sentimental, to think that I who had sacrificed everything on the pursuit to power would hesitate at this critical juncture. I couldn't help it, our brotherhood was steadfast, and they were my most precious pieces; the last vestiges of my humanity.

"Hercules, Dragon resolve yourselves. We're going with plan Omega-Z"


Hercules put me down and almost crushed me with his bear hug.


"Allow me to do this Lancelot, it'll give us a chance for resuscitation. It's alright. If there's anything you excel in, it's giant killing. My only regret is that I wouldn't be able to experience the world that you would bring about. "

Plan Omega-Z; a contingency measure for when all hope was lost. A plan that ensured that at least I, at least the King would survive. A plan to suspend the board, a plan to stave off defeat.

Dragon walked up to me in his lanky frame wearing his favourite blue tuxedo, and patted my back, trying to cheer me up.


"Hercules is right Lance. If Arthur gets his hands on Panopticon, it would truly be game over. Relax, we haven't lost yet this is just our penultimate card isn't it? "

No idea what is going on anymore.

Feels like watching a Star Trek episode. Full of random jargon.

Quote:

Our penultimate card; a plan to force a stalemate and prolong the board. A plan to ward off defeat. As opposed to our final plan: Omega-Delta - Nuclear winter. If you're fed up with the board, and defeat was inevitable then what do you do?

Flip it off course.

""The game can be restarted at anytime. We're just putting it in moratorium for now. The rest is in your hand Lancelot; our king.""

Hercules went to retrieve a bottle of sake, and 3 cups. We drank each. Our final drink together. The atmosphere solemn as we three resolved our selves to do what must be done.

We stretched out our right arms, grabbing one another's arms. From me to Dragon, from Dragon to Hercules, from Hercules to me. We formed an equilateral triangle.

""Ne plus ultra!""

We recited our maxim. The irony of the situation not lost on the three of us.

"Don't be disheartened Lance; Arthur is a monster after all."

And so? That is no excuse for our failure to uphold our maxim. Unlike Arthur who had more than justified his "Nihil Superbum", we had completely failed to defend our "Ne Plus Ultra" and were frankly unworthy of it.

How then could we boldly say "Ne Plus Ultra"; take hubris in our own inadequacy, our own weakness.

"Whatever can be destroyed by the truth should be."

We, no I was wholly unfit for the maxim "Ne Plus Ultra". This was the truth. And it shall destroy the falsehood that I carried these ten years.

Hercules walked over to me and handed me a bunch of keys.

"This is the set to my van. Opening it is quite a complex puzzle, but if it's you. You'll be able to do it. Inside, you'll find a gift that I've prepared for you. I hope you'll like it. "

He said to me smiling. I smiled back.

Dragon walked over to the large monitor that took up the East wall. He placed his hand on the interface, and blue lines moved across the entire underground complex at blinding speeds. The lights started pulsating, as Dragon began the fusion. He was going to merge and absorb the entire global Panopticon construct, several petabytes of data, that kept updating and upgrading several times each second. It was doubtful he'd remain conscious beyond this. Albeit he was unperturbed, resolute to do his duty.

Aah. Such admirable loyalty. Would I ever again gain pieces as fine and wonderful as them? This pains my heart so.

Hercules moved out majestically, followed by the remnants of his Doom bot corps.

As Dragon finished the fusion, he slumped and fainted; a puppet with his strings cut.

I picked him up and went downstairs. I reached the sleek black van made of Orichalcum. I effortlessly solved Hercules puzzle and opened the van. I saw the "gift" he had prepared. Wunderbar. Yes, with this there might yet be hope.

I loaded Dragon into the van, as I drove off down our escape tunnel. A few seconds later, once we had put several miles of distance between us.

"KAAAABOOOM!!!!!"

The Tibetan night sky was lit up by a sun. The penult component of Omega-Z had been activated; 200 megaton Thermonuclear warhead - Tsar bomba V. We'd be safe from any radioactive fallout in the van, as such I wasn't bothered. I had lost, and though Arthur had lost one of his finest esper corps, yet, even that failed to provide cold comfort.


Driving away, I wept. I had found my answer, Hercules had spelled it out for me. The answer I had refused to consider, that I was running away from, the answer I didn't want to accept. Yet another flaw in myself that should be destroyed by the truth about my abilities; I was WEAK.

Why had I lost? It wasn't due to any error in my planning, any discrepancy in execution, and flaw in my gambits. Nay, the reason was much simpler, far more primitive. I was weak. Weak.


That was all. There was my answer. I was weak. Weakness, that was my sin. That was why I had to sacrifice my brothers. Because of my weakness I had lost the last two humans I'd loved. Due to my weakness, I fled into the night tail between my legs; the beaten dog that I was. As a consequence of my weakness, I'd lost the fruit of my last ten years of labour. Owing to my weakness, I was powerless; a king without a kingdom. A player with naught but one piece. Weakness that was my sin.

I couldn't remain like this, couldn't remain in sin. Couldn't remain weak.
 
Wiping away my tears, I screamed:

"TSUYOKU NARITAI!!!"

Stronger, stronger, and stronger. Yet stronger again. Stronger, and stronger and stronger. I'll never lose again. Stronger, stronger, stronger. I'll keep on getting stronger, I shall wake up each new day stronger than the last.


"Tsuyoku Naritai."


My new oath.

So I have no idea is going on, I googled Tsuyoku Naritai and it apparently just means "I want to get stronger", according to the less wrong wiki.

In conclusion:

- Explain what the hell is going on. I could not find anywhere in your fiction that explains what the hell a Panopticon is (yes, I know it's implied to be some kind of superhuman AI. But we have superhuman AI already. You need to give some more context). Here's how I would say it:

Quote:Panopticon. Mankind's greatest achievement. A true AGI that is capable of full natural language understanding, with measured IQ exceeding all tests devised thus far.

etc.

You could have literally explained it in 2 sentences.

- For rationalist fiction, more rationality would be good. E.g use of Baye's rule. Don't just make random references.

That's my 2 cents.

In return I'd like you to review any of my stories (I have 3 but the 3rd one is being accepted).

2 of my stories accepted on rrl so far:


https://royalroadl.com/fiction/10974
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/10977

'dropped' pid='822554' dateline='1489960821' Wrote:

'Dragon God' pid='822426' dateline='1489752164' Wrote: I've posted a story, and I want to take the story to the next level. For that I need reviews.

I'm willing to trade reviews for that. 

Here's my story https://royalroadl.com/fiction/10925

It's called "MALEFICENCE"

Your chapters are quite a bit longer than mine, but I don't mind swapping reviews by chapter. How about I review 1 chapter of yours, then you review 1 chapter of mine, and so on? However many words of mine you review, I'll make sure to at least keep up.

I'll start first with a review of your prologue:

Quote:<Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!>


The sirens wailed and red lights were flashing everywhere dying, the room in a crimson hue. All the computers were indicating our impeding crisis. We were in a state of emergency; under the highest threat level.

<Incoming hostiles at 6 O' clock.>

I liked this. Good visuals. Exciting start.

Quote:

Damn! We'd been found out. How did it get this far? Our tracks were supposed to be non-existent, and our base perfectly hidden. This was but one of the thousands of safe houses we had all over the world. However, unlike the rest only Hercules, Dragon and I knew about it. The other members of The Knights of The Round Table shouldn't have been cognisant of its existence, let alone being able to find its location. How the hell did this happen? How did it get to this stage?

Shit! This shouldn't be possible. It wasn't supposed to go like this. Every component of my plan was more than ten times redundant, I had contingency measures in place for every foreseeable scenario, and even several unforeseeable scenarios. I wasn't going to get done in like a rookie, simply because I didn't plan for a possible scenario. I'd rigorously calculated probabilities, even going as far as to accommodate for Murphy's law and the planning fallacy. The probability of success of my plan should have been greater than 0.95. And my plan had been pulled off without a hitch; every component successfully executed. Yet I'd lost? How? Impossible. Ever since my rebirth 10 years ago, I'd put in more effort than anyone else. Painstakingly grooming myself to be stronger. Stronger and stronger, until I was the acme of human existence. Until I was strong enough to claim this world.

Important characterisation. The prologue was meant to introduce, characterise and provide backstory for the protagonist. 

Emergency situation was simply to make it more interesting. However his reaction is normal, and organic. He's incredulous, and in denial. 

The reflecting his important and integral of the protagonist. 

Redundant. The first paragraph would have been sufficient.

It's 2 entire paragraphs you going "INCONCEIVABLE!". You could cut most of it out. Stick to the action, less reflecting.

Okay, a bit more detail here.

If you want to give backstory, DON'T give it by having the protagonist reflect on his past in the MIDDLE OF AN EMERGENCY LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION. You can have him reflect on it when he's resting, or eating, or sleeping, or whatever. Any time which is not an emergency situation would be ok.

Quote:

I was no fool, I didn't believe in a just world; didn't believe that the Universe would reward me just because I'd laboured harder than the rest. No I was going to seize this world with my own hands, my own abilities. So I'd planned, painstaking, agonising, planning, laying my foundation preparing everything to win. I'd planned, until I was sure I could win. Until I was sure I would win. I'd done a lot in my quest for world domination, I'd overseen the assassination of two U.S presidents and several other heads of state. I'd formed countless alliances, I'd done everything. My preparations weren't lacking in the least. They were far more than enough. Yet how? How did it reach this stage? Just where did I go wrong? Was it when I spat in Arthur's face 6 months ago? Or even before that, was it when I fractured the United States of America a year ago? Or was it at the very beginning; was it when I started this war two years ago?

But I was prepared. Over prepared even. All of my plans had been flawlessly enacted. I'd gone to great lengths to make sure I didn't overlook anything. Even when the Knights of The Round Table abandoned the three of us, it was yet another scenario I had prepared suitable contingencies for. Even the movements of the British Imperialists had been accounted for. I had planned everything, choreographed this entire war. The break down of law and order globally as nation states ceased to exist. The crippling of military power across various countries. I had designed it all, yet another part of my gambit for this world. HOW? How could I then lose? What mistake did I make? How did it come to this? I'd been methodologically rational in all my moves, so where? Where did the error slip in? Did I not adhere to Bayescraft since my rebirth? So when? When was it? When was it that I stumbled?

None. I can't think back to anything I'd have done differently. All the decisions I made were the best possible under the available information. Even with hindsight bias, I can't think of any move I'd have made differently. Was not my game seamless?

Is that really true? Did I truly make no error? Were all my gambits truly Indefectible, the totality of my moves ideal? Can I objectively look at myself and say there was no defect in my schemes, no weakness in my strategy?

Was it really the Bayesian advised decision to reject Arthur 6 months ago? Would this not have been averted had I merely accepted him?

No? Absolutely not. To abase myself such that I take another as my liege, I wholeheartedly repudiate it. My soul renounces the very thought.

Is this not pride? The zenith of hubris?

His reaction was normal and natural. He was flabbergasted. He was shocked, he was in denial. This was natural. I also used it to provide some characterisation for him.


Again, too much meandering.

Reflection can be good, if it is actually going somewhere.

This is just you going round in circles in your head thinking "where did i go wrong where did I go wrong" without any logical train of thought.

And what exactly is a "Bayesian advised decision"? You could explain some Bayescraft. That would be a better use of words than what you wrote.

The proper mental thoughts in response  to an emergency would be:

1. Figuring how out to respond.

2. Figuring out what happened.

You can mix these 2, but (1) is more important than (2). You had neither.

Dragon made him snap out of his reverie. He was reminiscing on how it happened, as he was flabbergasted. He figured out how to respond, when Dragon reprimanded him. 

I did one anyways. The first two paragraphs were 1. What happened? How did they catch us. Where was the slip up? That was him figuring out what happened.

I can't explain Bayescraft or the other rationality jargon. It's immersion breaking. He's a rationalist. He won't be explaining the methods of rationality to the readers. He's no fourth wall breaker. Either the readers read up what he said, or I'll provide links in the Author's note. 

Quote:

"Lancelot! Snap out of it. We need to make a decision, and we need it made an hour ago". Dragon shouted as he rebuked me. Nevertheless, he was right this was no time to be stuck in a reverie, and even less appropriate a time to panic.

"Panopticon! Quantity and quality." I asked the supercomputer.

"60,162 personnel. Twelve 5 star espers, a hundred and fifty 4 star espers, three thousand 3 star espers, and 57 thousand 2 star espers."

A full esper corps. Arthur was really holding nothing back. To take them on would be a simpleton's errand.

I paused on "simpleton's errand" for about 2 seconds before I realized you meant "fool's errand".

Subjective preference, but please stick to common phrasing. It makes for a much smoother reading experience.

Important characterisation of the protagonist. He's not going to use the common/normal expression. It's part of his atypical nature. 

Quote:

Hercules was our main combatant, but he was just one person. Notwithstanding, using the doom bots he created, we could escape. Abandon this base, and lead half of our forces to face them. We had enough traps to stall them for a while, and we could self destruct the base after we fled. We'd randomly assign the remaining half of our robots different directions to flee in, ourselves disguising as them, or so they'd think, and move towards the most secure safe house within a thousand kilometers. Alternatively we could each go into 3 different directions. We'd go undercover, and a few months later, bounce back. As long as we had Panopticon, world domination was still feasible. We'd knock Arthur off his feet. It was still possible, it wasn't hopeless yet.

An esper is the common meaning of the term: ESP user. 

Hercules is a person. 

Panopticon will get edit explained. Doom bots are robots(implied from reading). Do they need more explanation? I'll think of adding them. 

I have NO IDEA what is going on.

Is there an infodump I'm supposed to read before starting on the PROLOGUE? What the hell is a doom bot, what is Hercules, what is an esper, what is Panopticon, etc.

Please don't throw in TONS AND TONS  of alien words without ANY introduction or context.

This is a common mistake in amateur fiction that I see a lot.

Quote:
"Hercules prepare for plan ZA-10. Dragon, retrieve the SSDs that contain Panopticon's source code, we'd recreate it after we've escaped. We're going to go under."

"Plan ZA-10?!?! Are you off your rockers Lancelot? We'd go into hiding, and then what? Delphi would just locate Dragon and I again. What on earth are you thinking? Where's our fearless leader? The guy willing to sacrifice anything and everything for the pursuit of power. That's the man I chose to follow, not this sentimental excuse for a strategist."

Shouting, Hercules walked over to me in his massive 2.4 m frame, sporting a green T-shirt and Blue Jeans. He picked me up with one arm, and raised me up to his level. Forcing me to stare into his maroon eyes.


"In case you don't understand, let me spell it out for you; IT'S OVER! We have lost the war. Arthur's won. He's stronger than you Lancelot. Even if it were possible. Even if we could hypothetically escape, hypothetically go undercover, then what next? Resurface just to get crushed again? Face it Lancelot: You're WEAK."

He threw me down on the hard metal floor. Looking down on me with a mix of disappointment and disgust.


"Now give me an order I can adhere to captain. "

He was right. I was being overly sentimental, to think that I who had sacrificed everything on the pursuit to power would hesitate at this critical juncture. I couldn't help it, our brotherhood was steadfast, and they were my most precious pieces; the last vestiges of my humanity.

"Hercules, Dragon resolve yourselves. We're going with plan Omega-Z"


Hercules put me down and almost crushed me with his bear hug.


"Allow me to do this Lancelot, it'll give us a chance for resuscitation. It's alright. If there's anything you excel in, it's giant killing. My only regret is that I wouldn't be able to experience the world that you would bring about. "

Plan Omega-Z; a contingency measure for when all hope was lost. A plan that ensured that at least I, at least the King would survive. A plan to suspend the board, a plan to stave off defeat.

Dragon walked up to me in his lanky frame wearing his favourite blue tuxedo, and patted my back, trying to cheer me up.


"Hercules is right Lance. If Arthur gets his hands on Panopticon, it would truly be game over. Relax, we haven't lost yet this is just our penultimate card isn't it? "

No idea what is going on anymore.

Feels like watching a Star Trek episode. Full of random jargon.

I'll try to sneak in descriptions of the Doom bots. But it won't be easy, as the protagonist doesn't talk to the reader, but to himself.

Plan ZA-10, Omega-Z and Omega-Delta are all code names for plans and contingency measures the protagonist has made. Readers are meant to infer this. He even explains that he has contingency measures for every forseeable and unforeseeable scenarios. 

Quote:

Our penultimate card; a plan to force a stalemate and prolong the board. A plan to ward off defeat. As opposed to our final plan: Omega-Delta - Nuclear winter. If you're fed up with the board, and defeat was inevitable then what do you do?

Flip it off course.

""The game can be restarted at anytime. We're just putting it in moratorium for now. The rest is in your hand Lancelot; our king.""

Hercules went to retrieve a bottle of sake, and 3 cups. We drank each. Our final drink together. The atmosphere solemn as we three resolved our selves to do what must be done.

We stretched out our right arms, grabbing one another's arms. From me to Dragon, from Dragon to Hercules, from Hercules to me. We formed an equilateral triangle.

""Ne plus ultra!""

We recited our maxim. The irony of the situation not lost on the three of us.

"Don't be disheartened Lance; Arthur is a monster after all."

And so? That is no excuse for our failure to uphold our maxim. Unlike Arthur who had more than justified his "Nihil Superbum", we had completely failed to defend our "Ne Plus Ultra" and were frankly unworthy of it.

How then could we boldly say "Ne Plus Ultra"; take hubris in our own inadequacy, our own weakness.

"Whatever can be destroyed by the truth should be."

We, no I was wholly unfit for the maxim "Ne Plus Ultra". This was the truth. And it shall destroy the falsehood that I carried these ten years.

Hercules walked over to me and handed me a bunch of keys.

"This is the set to my van. Opening it is quite a complex puzzle, but if it's you. You'll be able to do it. Inside, you'll find a gift that I've prepared for you. I hope you'll like it. "

He said to me smiling. I smiled back.

Dragon walked over to the large monitor that took up the East wall. He placed his hand on the interface, and blue lines moved across the entire underground complex at blinding speeds. The lights started pulsating, as Dragon began the fusion. He was going to merge and absorb the entire global Panopticon construct, several petabytes of data, that kept updating and upgrading several times each second. It was doubtful he'd remain conscious beyond this. Albeit he was unperturbed, resolute to do his duty.

Aah. Such admirable loyalty. Would I ever again gain pieces as fine and wonderful as them? This pains my heart so.

Hercules moved out majestically, followed by the remnants of his Doom bot corps.

As Dragon finished the fusion, he slumped and fainted; a puppet with his strings cut.

I picked him up and went downstairs. I reached the sleek black van made of Orichalcum. I effortlessly solved Hercules puzzle and opened the van. I saw the "gift" he had prepared. Wunderbar. Yes, with this there might yet be hope.

I loaded Dragon into the van, as I drove off down our escape tunnel. A few seconds later, once we had put several miles of distance between us.

"KAAAABOOOM!!!!!"

The Tibetan night sky was lit up by a sun. The penult component of Omega-Z had been activated; 200 megaton Thermonuclear warhead - Tsar bomba V. We'd be safe from any radioactive fallout in the van, as such I wasn't bothered. I had lost, and though Arthur had lost one of his finest esper corps, yet, even that failed to provide cold comfort.


Driving away, I wept. I had found my answer, Hercules had spelled it out for me. The answer I had refused to consider, that I was running away from, the answer I didn't want to accept. Yet another flaw in myself that should be destroyed by the truth about my abilities; I was WEAK.

Why had I lost? It wasn't due to any error in my planning, any discrepancy in execution, and flaw in my gambits. Nay, the reason was much simpler, far more primitive. I was weak. Weak.


That was all. There was my answer. I was weak. Weakness, that was my sin. That was why I had to sacrifice my brothers. Because of my weakness I had lost the last two humans I'd loved. Due to my weakness, I fled into the night tail between my legs; the beaten dog that I was. As a consequence of my weakness, I'd lost the fruit of my last ten years of labour. Owing to my weakness, I was powerless; a king without a kingdom. A player with naught but one piece. Weakness that was my sin.

I couldn't remain like this, couldn't remain in sin. Couldn't remain weak.
 
Wiping away my tears, I screamed:

"TSUYOKU NARITAI!!!"

Stronger, stronger, and stronger. Yet stronger again. Stronger, and stronger and stronger. I'll never lose again. Stronger, stronger, stronger. I'll keep on getting stronger, I shall wake up each new day stronger than the last.


"Tsuyoku Naritai."


My new oath.

So I have no idea is going on, I googled Tsuyoku Naritai and it apparently just means "I want to get stronger", according to the less wrong wiki.

This is a moment of rebirth for the protagonist, and is very important. It's his second epiphany, and is decisive of his life. 

In conclusion:

- Explain what the hell is going on. I could not find anywhere in your fiction that explains what the hell a Panopticon is (yes, I know it's implied to be some kind of superhuman AI. But we have superhuman AI already. You need to give some more context). Here's how I would say it:

Quote:Panopticon. Mankind's greatest achievement. A true AGI that is capable of full natural language understanding, with measured IQ exceeding all tests devised thus far.

etc.

You could have literally explained it in 2 sentences.

I will go and edit the chapter to provide an explanation of Panopticon. 



- For rationalist fiction, more rationality would be good. E.g use of Baye's rule. Don't just make random references.

Bayescraft refers to the art of rationality as it's practiced by lesswrong. Several rational references that showed the Protagonist's rational thinking we're in the chapter. Use of Bayes rule and other methods of rationality is sprinkled throughout the entire story. Users would have to know what they're looking for to recognise them though. 

In this chapter alone:

1. Hindsight bias. 


2. Planning fallacy and Murphy's law. 


3. Whatever can be destroyed by the truth should be. 


4. Bayesian decision making. 


5. Tsuyoku Naritai. 
   

That's my 2 cents.

In return I'd like you to review any of my stories (I have 3 but the 3rd one is being accepted).

2 of my stories accepted on rrl so far:


https://royalroadl.com/fiction/10974
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/10977

Thanks for your review. 

I'll place my replies in red text. 

I'll review one of your stories. Don't review my chapter 1 yet. It's getting scrapped and rewritten. 


I can't rewrite it till April 20th, because of exams massive coursework, etc.

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