I've received a wonderful critique from a buddy on the net, about my story. 

This critique has made me realise several flaws. 

One of them, is that my prologue is terrible. 

Flaws:

1. Too many infodumps


2. Boring


3. Tells MC thinking about something you'd rather be reading instead. 
   

I want to make the prologue much better, so I can capture reader interest. 


I'll quote my original prologue here, so you see what I'm working with. 

---

Lancelot Amon

I was jogging down the street, in black shorts and a purple top, my white hair drenched in sweat(i'd bleached it in a severe case of Chunnibuyo), black Bluetooth earphones with a mouthpiece on, I focused on the rhythm of my breathing, while continuing my morning routine.


"You are on an island where there are only two types of people: Knights who only tell the truth and knaves only tell lies. The inhabitants of this island understand English, but only reply to questions and with two words at that; shi and fwi. One meaning "yes” and the other meaning "no". You encounter an inhabitant at a fork in a road, and must find which path to take. You can only ask one question, what question do you ask?"


I stopped to think about it for a second then replied:


"If I asked you if this was the correct path would you say fwi?"


"Correct!” and the tirade of questions and answers continued. This was my morning routine; a rapid fire sessions of quizzes dealing with inductive and deductive logic, convergent and divergent thinking, abstract reasoning, mathematical and verbal reasoning, pattern recognition, etc. I'd written a script to scour the net and download questions, and sort them in order of difficulty. Mining sites to find out how many people got a question right, and using that in conjunction with Bayesian statistics to estimate the probability of me getting a question right and thus assigning difficulties.


I did all this while engaging in physical exercise. Sometimes it would be boxing, other times swimming. This was all to prime my brain, keeping it perpetually sharp. At 26, my brain had most likely fully matured, but that did not mean there was no possibility for improvement, at the very least, I would delay my atrophy as long as possible. At most, I could raise my intelligence. Most people believed that IQ was fixed, that it was impossible to get smarter, that was bull. I was living evidence to the contrary. At 16, when I got my first psychologically administered IQ test, I tested in the 130s. 6 years later, a week before D-Day on my 22nd birthday June 14th 2018, I tested in the 160s. I estimate I'm probably north of 170 now, though I'm pretty sure that I've reached my peak. But it wasn't an easy road. I approached self-improvement with a fastidious, near fanatic zeal. I experimented with all forms of raising intelligence; brain training games, puzzles, image streaming, free writing, brainstorming, I even touched nootropics for a while. As part of my training, I had forgone carnal desires, thus at 26, I was still a virgin(a little longer, and I'll be a wizard ha ha). I'd gone without masturbation for a decade as well.


All of this was so that I could become someone able to actualise my ambition; to be the greatest man that had ever lived. It all began 10 years ago. I'd wasted away my second semester of my first year at University. Desperate for a miracle, and a devout Pentecostal Christian, I fasted for 7 days and nights (with water of course) while praying for a turn around. I also resolved myself to be serious when the next semester came. I regained some of my former high school studiousness over the break (the same studiousness that allowed me to graduate as the valedictorian of my school). However, when my results came out, I was shocked; my GPA was 3.0/5.0; equivalent to all Cs. The looks of disappointment from my parents mortified me. I wondered how my high school teachers or my classmates who I defeated would think now. They must have been ashamed to lose to someone as unsightly as me. The despair following my result distanced me from God and renewed my determination to succeed. I became more immersed in my studies, and started taking interest in a website called “rationalwiki”. I was taking a religious course as an elective, and the exposure to some of the more absurd presuppositions of the bible (6,000 year old Earth anyone) as well as the soundness of the arguments against creationism, were enough to shatter my already volatile faith. In the weeks following that revelation; that there was no God I had my first existential crisis. My meaning in life was stolen for me. I had lost my raison d’être.


“Just why was I born?”


“What’s my purpose in life?”


“Was it really just chance, that lead to my existence?”


Verily, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I came out of that crisis for the better. Truly, I was born again that day. I refused to be another insignificant human, to live an inconsequential life. I decided that day, that I’d plant my flag on the sands of time, engrave history with my emblem. I’d rather have lived as Hitler; to be immortalised in the memory of the world than to die as I was then; an ant on the road. My Philosophy had a paradigm shift; I abjured altruism, and morals, suppressing my empathy to the extent I was close to sociopathy. I became a hedonist, and a rational egoist. I became amoral. I was willing to sacrifice anything and everything just so I could validate my existence, give meaning to my life.


My determination was only further fuelled then. Thus began my near destructive cycle of self improvement. I put in more effort than everybody else. For me it wasn’t enough to do my best, I had to do the best. I toiled harder than the rest. I didn’t believe in a just world; that the Universe would reward me just because I labored a little. No, I was going to carve out my own path; I would seize all my desires with my own hands, with my own ability. I forged relationships with people of ability. There were only two kinds of people in my life; those that could be used, and those that couldn’t, I grew distant from my family and those that I used to hold dear..I lost my girlfriend and all my friends. But despite the cost, I never once regretted it; my labour was rewarded. In the 6 years following I amassed a lot of knowledge, wealth, relationships, resources, and power. Give it a few more decades, and I was sure that I could have grasped the world in my palm. But it was all for naught.


On that day 21st of June 2018; D-day, the world was forever changed. At 12:00 PM GMT, one of humanity’s greatest questions: “Are we alone out there?” was finally answered. We were visited by a sufficiently advanced alien. She landed on top of the Burj Khalifa, lightly like a feather. She was clad in a flowing dress, dazzling white. Her long voluminous platinum hair that was blowing in the wind behind her, her violet irises that peered into the depths your soul, her perfect face that any artist will die to capture, all of it was captivating. She was beguiling, gorgeous. No. To describe her as such would be to do her a great disservice; she was pulchritudinous. I was enraptured by her sight and I instinctively desired her. From the crown of her head to the soul of her feet, all of it was perfection. But I now resent her appearance for she is the origin of my woes.


“Greetings earthlings, my name is incomprehensible in any of your existing tongues, so I would give you a name that you can call me by; I am Veri”


She placed her right hand on her ample bosom. We each heard her melodious voice in our heads. According to the news from later on, everyone heard her in the language they were most familiar with. I only knew 7 languages then, and English was my forte.


“I claim this planet, this entire star system, and everything with a 1000 light-years in my name. I believe in the self determination of my subjects, and would leave your government to your own devices. But let me give you a present. One from me to you, you might say it’s my responsibility as the originator of life on this barren planet. I am quite pleased with what you’ve made for yourselves here, so I shall reward you.”


She raised her hand and spreads out her palm. Beams of light of varying intensities shot out from her hands, and struck the billions of citizens on Earth. I’m told that about 33% of the planet was struck by at least one beam; some were struck by far more. I am one of the unlucky few who were not struck by any at all.


“I have given you my gift; do take care to entertain me.” Her lips curved into a wry smile and she alighted then vanished, just as she had come. Following her disappearance, there was a momentary lull, before pandemonium broke out. From what Dragon told me, they didn’t just receive their abilities, they knew how to use them. As if they had possessed it all along and not just gained it a few seconds prior. It was firmly implanted into their procedural memory and they could wield it skillfully. Immediately I realized what was going on, I beat a hasty retreat and managed to successfully escape. I abandoned my limo; it would only have made me a bigger target. I ripped of the face mask and wig I was wearing and ditched my jacket as I made it to safety.


I do not have a hobby of playing dress up, but in the preparations I made for my ambitions, I’ve had to assume different identities. I was playing one that day; Mohammed Al Ahmed, a Qatar oil tycoon. In the days and weeks following, law and order broke down. Martial law was declared by various governments, but became difficult to implement. Some governments even ceased to be functional. To add fuel to the reactor, several governments and organisations sought to take advantage of this pandemonium to further their agendas. Naturally we moved as well; The Knights of the Round Table, the organisation I’d founded to further my agenda, made up of individuals who all possessed extremely rare skills, or where fearfully good at what they did. Our goal was simple; world domination. The fact that World War 3 did not degenerate into a nuclear war, was chiefly due to our intervention, well mainly Dragon’s (codename Gawain). Prior to D-day, he was a computing prodigy who had an IQ of 174, when I discovered him. After D-day, he gained the ability to interface with electronics. He probably saved the world. Incidentally, I was the only mundane member among the Knights, damn goddess. I'd have killed just to gain increased mental abilities. I'd have been content with becoming a human computer. I was still able to keep a firm grip on our group, until he appeared. A 2.0m late teens blond Caucasian who went by “Arthur”. He had a unique ability; to steal abilities with his left hand, and to grant abilities with his right. It required him to keep his hand on the victim or recipient’s temple for a few seconds though.


Arthur was able to fracture our group, and a war was fought between him and me. As you’ve probably already guessed by now, I lost. Arthur was willing to accept anyone who defected to him, no matter how much harm they may have caused in the past. That magnanimity won over most of those who remained by my side. Well, it was mainly that Arthur was better than me. He had more to offer his followers; powers for the mundane, and more powers for those who already had. He was also poised to grasp the world. In the end, only Dragon and Hercules(codename Percival) remained at my side. Now Hercules is dead, and Dragon is in a coma. I might have saved them if I admitted defeat, he offered me half the world; I spat in his face. It was an irrational decision. Bayescraft suggested, demanded I take his offer. The expected value of agreeing to his offer was much higher than the converse. All methods of decision making (apart from the naïve optimistic method), suggested I yield. I clung to my petty pride, and was trashed. Arthur won, but he lost what he most craved; Panopticon. A computer system (software, hardware, the entire construct), that was capable of worldwide surveillance. Panopticon observed in real time almost every device connected to the net, tracked all phone calls, had backdoors into Echelon, the NSA’s database etc. Even some of the more secure communications (end to end encryption (E2E)) were compromised by Panopticon. E2E only protected data in transit. It could do nothing, if the devices themselves were compromised. If Arthur had gotten his hands on Panopticon, he would have had the world at his mercy.


Panopticon wasn’t administered solely by us, although we had root access. People bought information from, and sold information to Panopticon. Several governments and companies around the world were major clients. Almost all information was available from Panopticon if you had the prerequisite access level. In order to keep Arthur from getting his hands on it, I had Dragon fuse with the system, then destroyed the entire construct. The information overload from the fusion drove him into a coma. I set up an automated facility to take care of him, and keep him hidden from the world, before I went into hiding myself.


It’s been two years since then, and he still hasn’t woken up. Arthur has more or less stabilised his rule save for a few pockets of resistance. The only recognized religion is the church of Veri, and the only recognized nation is the Sacred Empire of Verinia(SEV). For the last two years, I’ve been doing my best to become stronger, much stronger. So that I’ll never lose again. I owe it to the brothers, to grant them victory. It’s the very least I can do for them. Finishing my 10 mile jog, I stopped and breathed out, looking at my brown skin, the scars long removed by cosmetic surgery. I felt at peace, tranquil and serene. I was prepared, and ready. As ready as I'll ever be. I alone would claim this world, or no one will. It was time to grace the world with my presence once more, time to come out of hiding.


Time for round two.

---

I'm lost on the prologue; help me write it. How do I give that first dose of heroin. Hook my reader's so they'd come back for more.

'NotTzx' pid='822522' dateline='1489859649' Wrote: Start with the basics of G.S.P aka the hook.

What is the gsp?
The G stands for general. General can mean anything, literally anything. For example , you could start off with something like :why is the sky blue?
The S , stands for the specific part of the hook. In which you use this to connect the general part to the main point of your story.
Which is the P, it stands for the purpose.
So, the gsp is merely aimed to be used as a hook. In which it draws in the readers attention.

Thats all for hooks. Or you could just do a rethorical question.

And next is: infodumps

Do you really have to go in a roundabout way to explain things? Sure it looks great! (Looks) But not when a whole chunk of information that could be shortened into 2lines is smashed into the face of the reader in a really roundabout manner.
(I am not gonna quote this)(just read through it yourself)

Now the next one might sound harsh but... you're writing a story. Not showing off your vocabulary.(Actually its fine to do so, but seperate it a little).
Thus making it boring.

Its trippy. Not as much as being too sophiscated to understand, but its trippy. (Make it so that people only have to read it 1 time to understand it) you are in the prologue.

NOT EVERYONE READS THE DESCRIPTION.(just saying)
Mundanes are people without esper powers. Esper powers given by the alien women or whatever.

When introducing something important. You EMPHASIZE on it. The MC gaining wealth and blah blah blah whatnot was important. Make your readers remember it instinctively. Or if you're just writing a self-satisfying novel (which you probably arent from all the work put into this) , then this is alright.

Then again, you could always remove details and expand on them next time. Like all the random things inside which you never bothered to expand much on. If you aren't and just leave behind random names with no purpose then just dont. If they are important, place them in seperate chapters when they are actually necessary. Details are always forgotten since chapters dont come out instantly and the story isnt released in a completed state but goes by chapter by chapter.

And if you want people to keep coming back, then put in cliff hangers. If you're an asshole, then put one at every chapter to secure the spot in their brains of wanting more.

Will do. I've already decided to completely rewrite the prologue. I'm working on a redrawing of my MC now.

Thanks a bunch people. I've gotten a new prologue proposal, and it's much better than the last.

This is a proposal for my new prologue.


Prologue Layout

We've lost. We've lost the war. This is all that's left I've got to this. If Arthur gets his hands on Panopticon, there's truly no salvation, no hope for a comeback. Allow me to do this Lancelot, it'll give us a chance for resuscitation. It's alright. If there's anything you excel in, it's giant killing. My only regret was that I wasn't able to experience the world you brought about.

MC cries as he watches Hercules go off to what was certain death.

Dragon fuses with Panopticon, and passes out. It was expected. <Sad, slow music effect in the writing>

While fleeing away into the night it rains. Tsuyoku Naritai he screams as he cycles on into the night.

I want to become stronger. Much stronger, and stronger, and stronger again. Yet stronger than before.

---

P.S: This is supposed to be a heart wrenching scene, that will make the readers she'd buckets of tears with the MC.

When MC degenerates into an edgelord, you'll forgive him because it's understandable.

So I want tips on writing thought provoking, heart wrenching, tear educing scenes.

I'm going with the "Noble Sacrifice" prologue. It details how the MC landed where he is, and how he became manic for self improvement.

[Deleted]

'Ruyi' pid='822663' dateline='1490213562' Wrote: I'm just here to add in my two cents. (Also, forgive my formatting...I'm still super new to these forums so I haven't grasped all the nifty BBC shortcuts yet.)

Doing "heart-wrenching" right is, in my opinion, a pretty delicate balance. Too much and you risk sounding maudlin, too little and you risk just 'going through the motions' to evoke emotions from your readers. One thing that stands out to me is the fact that you'd like them to shed "buckets of tears with the MC." A laudable goal, but I think that might be very, very difficult to accomplish within just a prologue.

Especially if you're trying to feed them knowledge about a completely new world at the same time. 

I think the most I've been able to accomplish was mutual empathy/sympathy and a general 'mood'--of mournfulness, sorrow, or despair. I understand you're revamping the prologue as we speak, but the earlier versions you've written before doesn't really make me connect emotionally with the character. You could blame me for being a girl and being picky about "feelings," but the strongest impression I get from your MC now is that he's smart, stubborn, strong and failed once against someone else who was smarter, more stubborn, and stronger. This might be something worth taking note of when you rewrite.

Right now, it's a bit like reading about two dudes duking it out, except they're using their brains as well as their brawn. And their brains are spinning around so fast that you're busy trying to keep up with all the clever references and witty facts and scientific theories/principles/whacamacallits instead of focusing on the person himself. I will admit it right now--I am not that intelligent, nor do I find such fancy knowledge interesting. I just want to sit down and read a good story about characters I can relate with--and well, it's hard to truly feel the weight of the MC's losses when the prologue is lots of ACTION this and REACTION that and QUICK THINKING x1000 then ANALYSIS STRATEGIZING BATTLING FOR THE WORLD and finally OH NOES BECAUSE X DID THIS Y DID NOT LAUNCH THUS Z HAPPENED AND DESPAIR.

Sort of like that, whew~

Sadness doesn't quite work like a light switch--you can't go from one scene to another and BAM! Instant grief out of nowhere. It's windy and gradual, like an underwater current that sneaks upon you unawares before suddenly pulling you under--or drowning you softly--or tangling you in place until you're stuck in a pit of your agonized emotions. I can't tell you what to write, only generalizations on how to write it--and here I say, Less is more.

Contrast, too, plays a factor. What has he lost? How do you make us feel the scope of his losses? If it's jam-packed action for most of the prologue, try to slow down the pace near the end. Focus on something small and insignificant, for example, to really hammer it home: he who once had everything, now has almost nothing.

Good luck with your coursework, and happy writing!

Thanks for your suggestions. I'll try and see what I can do, in May; once I'm done with school. I may do minor edits for now, but no major revamping till then.

Crying buckets is indeed a bit too extreme; especially as the MC is decidedly immoral. Sympathising, and empathising with him will work I guess. How do you suppose I make the scene more emotional?

[Deleted]

'Ruyi' pid='822693' dateline='1490311316' Wrote:

'Dragon God' pid='822680' dateline='1490273227' Wrote: Thanks for your suggestions. I'll try and see what I can do, in May; once I'm done with school. I may do minor edits for now, but no major revamping till then.

Crying buckets is indeed a bit too extreme; especially as the MC is decidedly immoral. Sympathising, and empathising with him will work I guess. How do you suppose I make the scene more emotional?

Hmm, your revamped prologue layout looks sound. Just focus on the details and remember the rule of contrast. How much has he lost? How did he lose it? Why is it such a big loss?

Where does it hurt? How do they hurt him? How does he react when he's been hurt/attacked/defeated?

These questions look simple, but they're crucial points to keep in mind as you craft your scenario. For that, you have to rely on your character's personality. You said he's immoral, but beyond that, what is he? Cool and collected intellectual? Brash and hot-tempered genius? An arrogant know-it-all? Highlight his flaws. Paint him on a pedestal high enough that falling from it seems inconceivable. This is to set up the initial contrast for his failure later.

Even then, that's just a basic layout for your character type. Now tell us why we should care that he failed. Put in something that'll make us relate to him, at least a little--maybe he cares about his friends, maybe he has sound ideals, maybe he actually adopts abandoned kittens and puppies on the streets. And for God's sake, don't put *all* of those in the prologue. Focus on one--I think the friend aspect is your best bet here, since that's what triggers his emotions later on. And don't go into description about that either--just a scene or two should suffice, or if you're short on space, an action instead (handing out coffee to a tired Dragon, squeezing Hercules' shoulder before he goes into battle, little things that mean more than they appear, for example).

Then make him crash and burn. Show no mercy and have him suffer. Chip away relentlessly at his armor. Use your character's personality to gauge how he weathers the storm. Does he endure stoically? Curse out every report of another failed battle? Clench his fists hard enough to draw blood, pound the table, be steely silent on the outside but slowly despairing within? Why do we do this? To stir sympathy for the MC. Nobody is perfect, everyone can fail--that's a logic anyone can understand.

Rip apart that facade of perfection you've painted on him, and let the cracks show. (Don't go overboard here, and don't emphasize too much--a slip or two speaks more volumes than overwrought, utter, sudden despair.)

When you've collected enough cracks to thoroughly weaken his resolve, use a final blow to shatter him into pieces. It doesn't have to be some big thing--your prologue suggests you'd prefer the subtle route: watching Hercules leave him, or Dragon slip into a coma. Focus your description on that.

Does his vision blur as he sees his friend walking away, only to realize afterwards that he's crying? Does he hold onto Dragon's hand before the latter loses consciousness and slips out of his grasp? Remember that no matter how big the action is happening outside, we need to know how your character feels inside to understand him. This could be expressed through dialogue, body language, actions, or thoughts (not too many thoughts though, that just reads like a rambling diary entry).

Bonus points if you can somehow make his despair horizon something unexpected, so the reader shares the shock of loss with the protagonist. But that's just a stylistic detail that I like to do. You don't have to use it if you're not used to it.

Thank you very much, I'll try and do some edits tomorrow (or over the weekend at latest), to more fully incorporate your suggestions. 

I have to fit a lot into the prologue though. Chapter 1 happens 4 years later, and by then, the MC is already decisively broken. I have to convey well, this process by which he was broken.

[Deleted]

'Ruyi' pid='822704' dateline='1490339081' Wrote:

'Dragon God' pid='822698' dateline='1490320239' Wrote: Thank you very much, I'll try and do some edits tomorrow (or over the weekend at latest), to more fully incorporate your suggestions. 

I have to fit a lot into the prologue though. Chapter 1 happens 4 years later, and by then, the MC is already decisively broken. I have to convey well, this process by which he was broken.

Less is more. You don't have to tell the reader everything in the prologue. Have them take the time to find out more about your protagonist and your protagonist's world as the story progresses. Save, perhaps, the most striking, emotional moment for the prologue, written in a way that they can understand without having to absorb/remember too much technical jargon.

Remember, every single second your readers spend on trying to figure out your story schematics is one less second spent on feeling the emotions you're trying to convey. We think with our brains and feel with our hearts. Too much of one naturally overwhelms the other.

You clearly have lots of knowledge you want to showcase in your story, but remember that it's a story, not a rambling representation of your intellectual prowess. A truly clever writer teaches his readers while having them engrossed in the story at the same time. Show us the heart of your story, and we'll give you our hearts in exchange.

Readers really don't ask for anything more than that. :)

I'll try, but I'm weak as a writer. 

I may include a glossary (links to wiki/google definitions) of terms in the Author's post script.