Please give your honest review of this fight scene, this is my first novel and I would like to know how I can improve.

Context : Fighting a boss in an RPG



Somewhere, in an area called ‘God’s Cradle’, a man could be seen alone, cutting down hordes of angelic beings like a vicious demon.
 
He was expressionless as he endlessly swung his blade across thousands of angels, occasionally casting a large wide-area spell, killing hundreds in one spell.
 
If one were to look from above, one could see an empty hole in the middle of hordes of angels as one man stood in the middle of that hole, brandishing a blade as dark as the night.
 
That man wore a black coat over his leather armour, made of black dragon leather, dressed in total black, he looked conspicuous among the white clouds he was standing on, and the golden angels surrounding him.
 
If anyone saw him in the streets, he would look like a typical nerd with 8th grade syndrome, but in this game, it was common as many felt it was stylish.
 
The man took a deep breath, he rushed forward with a burst of speed as he dashed headfirst into the massive horde of angels, slashing his sword as arcs of black light appeared, cutting down the angels as they passed through their bodies.
 
The angels seemingly dissipated into blue light as gold and occasional items appeared out of nowhere and landed onto the floor.
 
However, the man paid no attention to these things and kept on cutting down the angels wherever he passed, leaving a trail of gold and items as he went.
 
After what felt like 5 minutes of endless battling… better described as a massacre, the man stood strong as nothing more than gold and items surrounded him as his ragged breath could be heard with minor cuts and scratches on his face and body.
 
Suddenly, the ground rumbled as a massive angel appeared, the size of a whole apartment building, it did not have facial features, but had the shape of a face as it wore a robe laced with gold and glittering golden wings that seem to make anybody kneel under its superiority.
 
<Boss ‘Seraphim’ has appeared>
 
The man did not even flinch under the might of this angel even though it dwarfed him as he readied his sword, casting spell buffs under his breath as light of every colour glowed around his body, making him grow more powerful.
 
The massive angel let out a roar as a white staff appeared in his hand that resembled a pastoral staff, but with an aura of infinite holiness.
 
At this moment, the man dashed forward with speed, with speed faster than sound as he raised his palm towards the angel and a massive bolt of darkness shot out of his palm and shot towards the angel.
 
The massive angel held out its staff and a bolt of angelic light shot towards the bolt of darkness, equalling the power of the bolt as they collided, creating a massive explosion that send shockwaves through the area.
 
The man did not hesitate as he jumped towards the angel as he swung his sword, creating arcs of black beams, injuring the angel’s feet.
 
In response, the angel raised its feet and stomped on the floor, creating a strong gust of wind that would shame even tornados of the highest magnitude.
 
However, the man did not get sent flying but continued his rush as he formed a shape of a spear, creating a streamline shape as he cut through the gust of wind to continue cutting the angel.
 
The angel let out a cry as it kneeled due to the injuries of its leg, raising its staff to summon a beam of light to attack the man.
 
The beam of light shot out of the staff and engulfed him as his whole body disappeared into the light.
 
When the light faded, the man could be seen in the light, body with more cuts, but his expression still remained expressionless as he once again rushed towards the angel.
 
This time, the angel swiped its arm at the man, seemingly trying to kill an ant.
 
The man jumped and stabbed his sword into the palm of the angel, getting carried into the air as he held onto the sword.
 
Once he stabilized, he jumped off the palm and ran onto his arm that seemed to stretch as far as the sea, barely missing the palm as it crushed into a fist.
 
The man dug his sword into the skin of the angel as he ran towards the head of the angel, dragging his sword across the skin of the angel, leaving a line of ichor as it seeped out of the cut.
 
The massive angel let out a cry of pain as it once again summoned light from the staff, materializing the light into thousands of angels, landing onto the arm of the angel.
 
The angels held maces and spears made from gold as they swung towards the man, but dying before they even finished their swing, cuts appearing onto their bodies before dissipating into blue light.
 
The man continued running across the arm, towards the head, dodging weapons materialized from light as it shot towards him from the staff and cutting down angels while passing by.
 
Seeing the man closing in on its head, the massive angel raised his staff above its head and endless light gathered around the staff as it slowly formed an orb that resembled a small sun.
 
The massive angel sent the orb flying towards the man as it slowly formed into a shape of a giant holy sword, rumbling down towards the man.
 
The man’s expression did not change as he pulled out a gnarled staff out of thin air as he pointed the tip of the staff, encrusted with 3 jewels, held by a golden raven claw.
 
The 3 jewels shined as the whole staff broke into pieces, forming a spear of darkness rivalling the holy sword, shooting towards the holy sword to clash in the air.
 
When the two weapons collided, they were stopped in mid-air, both unmoving as sparks flew off the tips of both weapons.
 
If one looked closely, the spear was not as strong as the sword and was slowly being pushed back by it, it would not be long before it completely shattered.
 
The moment the man shot the spear, he did not waste any time as he continued running towards the head of the massive angel at an even faster speed compared to before.
 
The moment the man reached the head of the angel, he slashed down his sword in a downward arc as a massive beam of darkness cleaved the head, but he did not stop as he continued slashing his sword, sending out many beams of darkness continued cleaving the head.
 
At this moment, the spear broke and the sword shot straight towards the man, trying to penetrate his armour as it stabbed straight towards his body.
 
But before the sword hit him, the man let out a last slash, containing even more power than the last few slashes, completely cutting the angel’s head in half as the angel let out a final cry of anguish before dissipating into blue light.
 
<Boss ‘Seraphim’ has been slain>
 
The man also let out a cry of pain, gritting his teeth as he resisted the power of the holy sword, causing cuts to appear on his skin and his armour.
 
Soon, the holy sword faded into nothing as the man fell from the sky towards the floor, falling straight into the clouded floor below him.
 
Fortunately, the floor was made of clouds so it did not damage him, allowing him to survive.
 
“Heh… 8% health left… that was close” the man said with his weakly voice, slowly standing up from within the clouds, looking at the flashing red bar in front of his face.
 
He took out a red elixir and drank it while walking limply towards a golden chest where the Seraphim once stood.


Thank you for reading! Don't hold back in your reviews

Well, it depends on where you are going to put this fight scene. If this is the opening of the story, then it is okay I guess. It will establish that the MC is a good player of VRMMO. But if this will become the climactic battle of your entire story then it is kinda boring. 

My main beef in the scene is the fact that it doesn't have any real importance. The MC is playing a game. What makes rocky or the karate kid fight scenes interesting is the fact that everything is on the line: their pride, honor, the responsibility of the people behind them, and hell, maybe even their life.

There is no world changing event. You know from the start (because of the loot falling) that he is not fighting to avenge a wrong, or for the future of his land, or the life of his people. or king and country.

Or maybe I am wrong.

But the point is you never explained that in the scene. There is no explanation that he is putting all his hope and dreams in that one single punch that will end it all. There is no declaration of his reasons why he is fighting. (This is for my pet dog Nyan-nyaaan!!!) and therefore there is no real reason why to cheer your guy onward, especially since he is killing angels.

Just my two cents.

I agree with batotit. I could critique the writing style, but that wouldn't change the fact that I have no context for this battle, and therefore no sense of the stakes. Even if it's the very first scene of your story, and even if I accept the game-world as real for purposes of identifying with it, I don't have any reason to care about this avatar in particular.

This isn't necessarily a problem, as introducing a character in a dangerous situation is one way to get readers to like them--but this situation doesn't really seem dangerous or mysterious. I know exactly what he's doing, trying to beat a boss, and I don't ever believe he's going to lose. You say he's getting cuts on his body, down to 8% health, etc., but I don't feel any of those things. Think about what you can do to bring me into this guy's perspective more viscerally.

I agree with the others, the scene is rather boring as there isn't anything to make the reader "connect with the MC" so it feels a bit detached. You just say the MC is doing something and the Angel is doing something else, there is nothing to make us take interest on the MC which is something bad.
I assume you're trying to use Limited Omniscient PoV in here right? IF that's the case then you should give some context on what the MC is doing, be it by letting us see his thoughts or just have him say something for ffs.

P.S: Those Angel Cannon Fodder should be flying. Angels are, in many iterations, able to fly and so having them coming down to the Seraphim's Arm is something that should be avoided unless there's a specific reason for it. The advantage of Flying Cannon Fodder is that they annoy people x10 more than those that stay on foot.

I read your thing and I asked myself a question; what would it take for me to like the scene of that was all I read? I think that you need more detail. If the scene started with the mc describing the smell of angel blood. Does it smell like wine or like flowers or like diluted human blood? Does the firstsmell he kill make him happy? What does it feel like to kill something so beautiful? Right now the scene is really distant. It feels like a fight that's happening fat away from me. Bring it close. Make me feel like I'm as close to the action as the sword in the man's hand. Use those details to define for the reader who this character is. Does it make him happy to destroy so much beauty? Does it make him sad? Does it make him indifferent while recognizing that once upon a time killing so many angels would have sickened him? None of the action you described really tells you anything about the person doing it. That's all I have. Good luck!

Overall, its a solid first piece, but there's nothing special about it to make it help stand out. The writing itself seems a bit stiff and inflexible. There doesn't seem to be any real issue with the grammar, but the word choice, sentence structure, and descriptions can use some work.

The issues/improvements:

Word choice: You repeat the same words alot (massively, seemingly, expression), relative to the length of the passage. This detracts from the effect of some words like 'massive'. If alot of things are massive, they don't feel as massive anymore.

Sentence Structure and descriptions: This ties into word choice, and showing instead of telling. Alot of things can be made more concise without the fluff words for a smoother reader experience. I would include 'seemingly' as a fluff word.
For example, 'He was expressionless as he endlessly swung his blade', could be better as 'He expressionlessly swung his...' or with more detail, 'His face was stoic as he swung...'.
Another example is 'At this moment, the man dashed forward with speed, with speed faster than sound ...'. Its already obvious that he is dashing forward 'at this moment'. It doesn't need to be stated explicitly and is implied. It can be better as 'Dashing forward faster than the speed of sound...', or 'A sonic boom echoed as he [exploded forth]/[dashed forward].

It would also probably make readers more emotionally invested as well if you showed how the person felt during the fight. Was he indifferent to the masses of angels. Did he exult in the kill? Did he ever despair at the impossible odds? Was there no doubt in his eventual victory? This is easier to integrate with a longer piece where you can better develop the character lore.

Feel free to PM.