Need Feedback

#1
A Second Chance

Hello fellow RoyalReaders, I am Kai. I just recently started writing a story here called, "A Second Chance," and need some feedback. I want to continue writing, but I am unsure if it is too cliche, or flat, or too non-descriptive so far. If anyone could do a quick run-through of the two chapters and let me know if they would continue reading if I continued writing, I would greatly appreciate it. I am also willing to trade reviews, but seeing as how I only have two chapters posting your feedback in this thread would be good enough for me. I want the truth, so please do not tone down your opinion because you feel you might hurt my feelings. I suppose I am just slightly self-conscious, and want to know that people will actually read my story if I continue, haha. 

Thanks in advance. I will check back in a little bit.

RE: Need Feedback

#2
Hello ! Just read your story.
So far, there is nothing much to say. You should try posting a few more chapters so that people can form a real opinion ;)

But here are a few notes, based on your first two chapters:

- You asked if it's too cliché. Well, in a way, yes it is. But worry not, not all clichés are necessary bad, especially on RRL. Just like 90% of RRL's author, you went for the reincarnation story, so it's definitely not the most original idea. But once again, it's not necessarily a bad thing, especially considering the fact that this is what works the best on this site. What will make the difference (or not), is how you will develop your story.

- Now there is one problem I noticed. So far there is no hook in your story and unless you're going for a slice of life story, this can become a huge flaw. You have to put yourself in the reader's place. With so many new stories released everyday, they will be quick to choose which one they want to read. To keep their interest, you absolutely need a hook, a detail that will make your MC or your story special. So I suggest that you either change your synopsis or add an element that will tilt your readers' curiosity in the first chapter.

- Your first chapter's introduction seems a bit... I don't know, brutal? It feels like you're being thrown in the middle of the story. Maybe change the formulation of the first sentence, or just add a personal thought, feeling or a single word describing the situation (like Darkness for exemple), it can make the difference. I'm not sure if I'm being clear :/ That is just my personal preferance though :D I'm not sure how the others would feel about that.

- Delimit the paragraph when there is a change of scenery or a change of timeline (I'm thinking about the moment where the MC got reincarnated). You can use a single line, asterisks, or something similar. If you prefer, you can also seperate it by adding a prologue. It's just a small editing detail, but it's more pleasant for the readers, since a sudden change can be confusing. 

- Careful with all the explanations. Readers do not like chapters which only dump endless informations. They're overwhelmed with too many infos and let's be honest, when nothing happens, you're bored. So far, you only introduced your world. While the world building is important, try not to condense it in only a few chapters. It's better to make the action start as soon as possible, and drop details about the world throughout the story.

- Unless it's on purpose, it might be a good idea to introduce your MC (personality, past life...). The sooner your readers relate to your MC the better.

And I think that's it for me! At the moment, I have no idea where you're going with the story, so I can't really give you a full review. But well, I'm no expert either. I'm also an amateur writer, so you don't have to take everything I said at my word. Thus being said, good luck ! I'm curious to know how you'll develop the plot (you need a hook!!!). Hopefully you'll do well ;)
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RE: Need Feedback

#3
Wow, thank you very much for the detailed reply, it is exactly what I needed. I really appreciate the honesty.

I think after reading your critique, I will rewrite the story. I was worried that it was an information overload, and your comments just reaffirmed my thoughts. I think I will focus more on the action/limit the explanations, and add an immediate hook like you said to try to draw in and keep more readers.

I am really thankful for your help. My uncertainty has now been quelled. :P