Can someone review my story please. Happy to review others.

#1
Just started writing my story, though I do have a plan for the story, I recognize it isn't a typical story on this site. It does start off a bit slow, unlike most RRL, it doesn't start with the familiar lit-rpg, transported to another world, or dungeon crawler. As such it might not garner enough attention. Which is why I was hoping someone could review the story.

http://royalroadl.com/fiction/12523/project-ordinal

I know I haven't put nearly enough work into my synopsis or title (because I'm not sure what to put). If you guys could give me some advice on what I should add to the synopsis, I'd greatly appreciate it.

P.S. I'd be happy to review another's story as well.

RE: Can someone review my story please. Happy to review others.

#2
'mambabajamba' pid='825509' dateline='1498233775' Wrote: Just started writing my story, though I do have a plan for the story, I recognize it isn't a typical story on this site. It does start off a bit slow, unlike most RRL, it doesn't start with the familiar lit-rpg, transported to another world, or dungeon crawler. As such it might not garner enough attention. Which is why I was hoping someone could review the story.

http://royalroadl.com/fiction/12523/project-ordinal

I know I haven't put nearly enough work into my synopsis or title (because I'm not sure what to put). If you guys could give me some advice on what I should add to the synopsis, I'd greatly appreciate it.

P.S. I'd be happy to review another's story as well.

I'll take you up on that review exchange in a few days, but for now about your synopsis:

"In a world where energy flows through the streams in the air and are given life by gemstones, "
- I think you changed your stream of thought here. What is given life by gemstones?

"a group of scientists find the Source. A unique object with the ability to change the world. Betrayals and failures errupt from within the group however and the empire is thrown into chaos. "
- typo on erupt, and there should be commas on both sides of however. Also, I'd recommend introducing your main character/characters (unless there are too many) Don't spend too much time, maybe just work in a name or two.

"This story follows the ripple effects of the disasters that ensue."
- ripples of disasters? perhaps rephrase that to reflect ripples becoming waves or something. I get what you're saying, but it could be reworded to be more impactful.

About the slowness of the story, don't worry, readers will usually give you some time to pick up the pace. The real concern is having a hook so they are interested in the slow parts too. Maybe add some tidbits to increase tension (think alfred hitchcock's bomb under the table)

I like the premise though, and I'm looking forward to exchanging a review once we both have a few more chapters up. Good luck! ^_^
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RE: Can someone review my story please. Happy to review others.

#3
'WhoCares' pid='825516' dateline='1498247287' Wrote:
'mambabajamba' pid='825509' dateline='1498233775' Wrote: Just started writing my story, though I do have a plan for the story, I recognize it isn't a typical story on this site. It does start off a bit slow, unlike most RRL, it doesn't start with the familiar lit-rpg, transported to another world, or dungeon crawler. As such it might not garner enough attention. Which is why I was hoping someone could review the story.

http://royalroadl.com/fiction/12523/project-ordinal

I know I haven't put nearly enough work into my synopsis or title (because I'm not sure what to put). If you guys could give me some advice on what I should add to the synopsis, I'd greatly appreciate it.

P.S. I'd be happy to review another's story as well.

I'll take you up on that review exchange in a few days, but for now about your synopsis:

"In a world where energy flows through the streams in the air and are given life by gemstones, "
- I think you changed your stream of thought here. What is given life by gemstones?

"a group of scientists find the Source. A unique object with the ability to change the world. Betrayals and failures errupt from within the group however and the empire is thrown into chaos. "
- typo on erupt, and there should be commas on both sides of however. Also, I'd recommend introducing your main character/characters (unless there are too many) Don't spend too much time, maybe just work in a name or two.

"This story follows the ripple effects of the disasters that ensue."
- ripples of disasters? perhaps rephrase that to reflect ripples becoming waves or something. I get what you're saying, but it could be reworded to be more impactful.

About the slowness of the story, don't worry, readers will usually give you some time to pick up the pace. The real concern is having a hook so they are interested in the slow parts too. Maybe add some tidbits to increase tension (think alfred hitchcock's bomb under the table)

I like the premise though, and I'm looking forward to exchanging a review once we both have a few more chapters up. Good luck! ^_^



Hey, thanks for taking the time to read and analyze it. I look forward to reading your story.

RE: Can someone review my story please. Happy to review others.

#4
A suggestion for the synopsis, "In a world where energy flows in streams through the air" flows better, and you need to add something for whatever is given life by gemstones.

Something like: In a world where energy flows in streams through the air and monsters are given life by gemstones,

Mamba was close, 'however' needs a comma, but only after it: Betrayals and failures erupt from within the group however, and the empire is thrown into chaos.
An alternate phrasing possibility: The group collapses into betrayal and failure, throwing the empire into chaos.

I would recommend dropping the 'this story' part entirely, you want to end with a hook that draws readers in, not sum up the story in a single sentence. Something along the lines of "Their actions sparked disasters that rippled across the world, changing it forever." may draw more readers in.

It's an interesting premise, I'll make sure to give it a read when I have more time.
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