Help with phrases

#1
Hello everyone!

I have been having a problem with ending phrases and adding (John) instead of "Said John" or "Thought John". My biggest problem has always been this kind of things, I went over my 15 chapters and realized that it looks normal to me but thanks to a good person that commented I had realized a huge issue which is my phrases are completely idiotic! Yes, it looks like a five years old writing...

I went to google and researched some things, but I couldn't progress, I kept practicing for nearly 2 hours now, yet I can see no progress at all with my phrasing!

Example : 

"Hello, friend! It has been a while" Said a random man

I turned around and was surprised to see an old friend

"It has been a while, old friend," Said John with a smile

---------------
I can feel something missing even though I stopped using this way; example of what I meant :
"Son fetch me a stick!"(Father)
"Yes, father"(Son)
---------------

Any advice for a new writer on how to adjust his phrasing?

RE: Help with phrases

#2
Honestly I feel like you're stuck with the idea that you need to identify each and every time someone is speaking. If you have a good conversation with two people, most of the time you don't need to identify who is speaking besides every once in a while. You also don't need to say said all the time. Sometimes just describing how they act can indicate who it is that is speaking. Example for how I would write it:

"Hello, friend! It has been a while," a random man spoke.

I turned around, surprised to see who he was.

"It has been a while, old friend." John smiled.

---the way you are writing tends to end up coming across as really redundant. The less you repeat a word the better. If you find yourself repeating things a lot, try to reword it. Use shorter sentences, combine sentences, move phrases around, anything that makes it seem like a new angle. It's less boring and stagnant that way.

As with the other way you mentioned, yeah it's useful for keeping track of who is speaking, but the only real place I find it useful is if it's a really poorly translated web novel where without it, you really can't tell who is speaking. Otherwise I wouldn't put the names in parenthesis. If you're a competent writer, you give your characters voice where you can almost immediately tell who's speaking just by what they say. That way you only have to put who is speaking every once in a while and avoid that repetition.

Anyway that's my opinion
Come Sevenfall  
Seren Ynys Online
Haven in a Dangerous World


Please, enjoy and visit me at my wordpress, https://comesevenfall.wordpress.com/

PM me if you see any grammar mistakes :D



Cakemen will eat cake!!!! For New Poland!

RE: Help with phrases

#3
"Hello, friend! It has been a while," a man spoke to me.

I turned around, my eyes growing wide.

"John?" I said and held out my hand. "How long has it been?"

"It's been awhile old friend," John embraced my hand in his.

Haha, ya, couldn't resist an attempt at this scene.
The word 'said' is my best friend, but I often replace it with actions or reactions when the scene calls for it. (((If you look for it, in my story Sasha there are TONS of "she/he said and"'s)))

RE: Help with phrases

#5
I've read that "said" is a free word. Like readers eyes just glaze past it - so use it as much as you need to. Only "punch up" dialogue when it's important, is what a good editor will tell you - just use "said" for everything you can - save the elegant phrasing for really important moments of dialogue.

As to *how* to do that ... well for me at least the hard part is not doing it xD
~writing is hard~

RE: Help with phrases

#6
A lot of Xianxia do this, and it might fit what you're looking for. Here's an example:

"Hey, how's it going?"
John walked up ...

Like what was shown, sometimes you don't always have to say said, since it's not really important to the story. Unless it's really crucial to pinpoint who said it since it can't be pinpointed by the previous or following sentences, such as when three people are chatting around a table, without special gestures, and you want to pinpoint who exactly said what in what order, then you will need the ", said John"