RE: Would like to get feedback on my story

#2
I'll review your story in exchange for giving me an honest review on my work.

Link;
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/12612/the-heir-of-wilberforce

Synopsis;

In a world where there are seven earths, in a world where there are people who can control spirits, and in fact wield elements like Fire, Water, Lightning, Earth, and the wind, in a world where a compulsory annual competition that can nominate someone as either a King or a Slave determines the fate of everyone, a young man named Armad Wilberforce, with the ability to manipulate the laws of nature, and order Thunder strikes, is drawn into a century-long conflict of finding a mysterious man.

Armad Wilberforce lost his father to the same cause, and his sister was murdered due to the same reason. Yet, his family seems to never give up, as his mother joins the struggle. But, she has also lost, and now bedridden.

He's the only member of his family, who still wants to take on the legacy, and continue the same struggle!

But just as he set out on his mission, his fate becomes twisted as his soul splits into two; one part is sent into an unknown future and the other remained in his present.

RE: Would like to get feedback on my story

#3
Review: Grim
"As he experimented, using a wooden spoon, he tasted the contents of the cauldron."
We already know he is experimenting. It's unnecessary to say it again. You could rewrite it better.

The s or h in a he/she said after a comma shouldn't be capitalized.

"As I’m about to go off, someone grabbed my shoulder."
Too many as. Simply say: Someone grabbed my shoulder.

"I greeted my friend."
Yes, we saw. lol

"I scratched the back of my head, as I grinned sheepishly."
Don't use so many adverbs to modify it. Some people are more against this than me, but still you use too many. Same with as as I said before. And I'm pretty sure there shouldn't be a comma there.

"After parting ways with Anton I moved quickly and reached the main streets."
There should be a comma after Anton. Moved quickly = Run. Just say run or trot.

"and began to move more quickly through the alley."
We know he began to do it. When we read something in fiction, we assume he began to do it when we read it. There is no need to say began to.
'move more quickly' = 'run faster'.

"I yelped and blacked out, but only for a moment."
It wasn't only a moment if they got time to bind him and r*pe him.

"I trailed off" "I stammered"
Just use said.

"'Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Well, I’ll get straight to the point of why you’re here, Lukas.' He said, ignoring my angry yells.
'I told you that I was raped, why won’t you believe me?!' I yelled and he made a frown."
The sentences should be in reverse, first Lukas yelled, then the policeman ignored his yells. Also, don't break the line when the same person that is speaking continues to speak.
"xxx," the policeman said.
"yyy," the policeman said.
It should be: "xxx," the policeman said. "yyy."
If you need to end a line while the person is speaking, don't close the quote. (You haven't done it yet, but in case you didn't know.)
Like:
"xxx," the policeman said. "yyy.
"zzzz."

You seriously do everything to not say 'said'.

"Clearly, he was agitated."
No need to say it to the world, we can see it.

"You always used to like smoking, perhaps just as much as when we played heroes and villains as children...' I stuck my hand inside Anton's pocket and pulled out a cigarette box along a lighter. I looked at them with a solemn look and took out a cigarette. The others watched shocked, too afraid to move.
'You've always hated me, haven't you?' I asked, my lips trembling. Anton glared in place of a response.
'So, you just used this opportunity to make it look like you weren't the villain?' I asked, my fists tightening."
Make it all one line. It's the third time. You shouldn't break the line when the same person is speaking.

Use said.

Chapter 1 on first person, chapter 2 on third person?

"The streets seemed to stretch endlessly, the largest among them leading to a castle on a hill."
They aren't endless if you can see where they lead to. Well, you couldn't say the largest either.

"Lukas nearly tripped."
Damn, Lukas, stop tripping with everything. lol

"'Whatever,' Lukas muttered under his breath. He turned to the right and continued walking.."
Use said. And there is a double dot.

"The orange-haired girl said between pants"
Yay. You used said.

"So, he turned her towards her and shook her in a quick motion."
There shouldn't be a comma there. There shouldn't be a So either.
The boy turned her towards her and shook her. -> The boy turned her around and shook her.
Or at least: The boy turned her towards HIM and shook her.

"'What is it Sebastian?'"
So he is a butler, I see. There should be a comma before Sebastian.

"'I know, but still...' Sebastian trailed off, only to hear Thea speak up shortly after.
'I appreciate the concern, but I can take care of myself,' Thea said with a tone that dared defiance."
Thea is the leader, she can't defy the group. On the other hand, it's Sebastian the one that's defying here in any case.
Use said. And 'only to hear Thea speak up shortly after.' is pointless, since we can see she is talking just after.

"Lukas grit his teeth and let his dagger fall."
gritted

"he shot a glare at Thea"
glared
"Lukas stared silently at her for seconds, before speaking up."
You already told us he was glaring at her, no need to say it again just after.

"She snapped."
No need to say it. We already know she is the one talking.

"Thea stood on top of him, who was now yelling on the ground. 'Let me go!' Lukas yelled as he struggled beneath her."
That was unexpectedly fast. (Well, she does say it just after) No need to say he was yelling twice.
The image wasn't as clear there. It could be rewritten for clarity.

First person again! After two chapters of third person.

"As I was about to yell again, I tripped."
MC loves to trip.

Plot:
What? In one second he is crying on the floor, on the next second, he is beating them up. The next second, they are crying on the floor.
He is a good boxer. (Since he won the competition) He even killed a wolf with his bare hands when he was 10 years old. Yet he couldn't prevent a woman from knocking him up.

"While walking, I tripped on a pebble and fell."
I don't think anyone can trip on a pebble, but much less a 'boxing god'.

MC is bipolar. (And he cries and trips a lot.) The bipolar parts make him seem inconsistent.

"It’s been a few days since I've tasted something this good. Man, being homeless sucks. As he enjoyed his drink, he eventually got his food."
Did he spent so many days on the streets? I don't remember reading that.

Things happen randomly for no reason on Chapter 2.

All in all it's good. Need to develop more of the plot and other characters.


I wrote it as I was reading it.
Help me with my story: https://forum.royalroadl.com/showthread.php?tid=98913