Would someone review my story? Even if it's bad.
#1
I don't know if I should write this story or give up. As I said I accept criticism and all that. What I had like to know most is if it's well written, a good concept and start.
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/13924/the-swat-member-transported-to-another-world
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/13924/the-swat-member-transported-to-another-world
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RE: Would someone review my story? Even if it's bad.
#2
I'll review your story, I hope you review mine also.
Link;
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/12612/the-heir-of-wilberforce
Synopsis;
In a world where there are seven earths, in a world where there are people who can control spirits, and in fact wield elements like Fire, Water, Lightning, Earth, and the wind, in a world where a compulsory annual competition that can nominate someone as either a King or a Slave determines the fate of everyone, a young man named Armad Wilberforce, with the ability to manipulate the laws of nature, and order Thunder strikes, is drawn into a century-long conflict of finding a mysterious man.
Armad Wilberforce lost his father to the same cause, and his sister was murdered due to the same reason. Yet, his family seems to never give up, as his mother joins the struggle. But, she has also lost, and now bedridden.
He's the only member of his family, who still wants to take on the legacy, and continue the same struggle!
But just as he set out on his mission, his fate becomes twisted as his soul splits into two; one part is sent into an unknown future and the other remained in his present.
Link;
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/12612/the-heir-of-wilberforce
Synopsis;
In a world where there are seven earths, in a world where there are people who can control spirits, and in fact wield elements like Fire, Water, Lightning, Earth, and the wind, in a world where a compulsory annual competition that can nominate someone as either a King or a Slave determines the fate of everyone, a young man named Armad Wilberforce, with the ability to manipulate the laws of nature, and order Thunder strikes, is drawn into a century-long conflict of finding a mysterious man.
Armad Wilberforce lost his father to the same cause, and his sister was murdered due to the same reason. Yet, his family seems to never give up, as his mother joins the struggle. But, she has also lost, and now bedridden.
He's the only member of his family, who still wants to take on the legacy, and continue the same struggle!
But just as he set out on his mission, his fate becomes twisted as his soul splits into two; one part is sent into an unknown future and the other remained in his present.
RE: Would someone review my story? Even if it's bad.
#3
Review: SWAT
"Two weeks ago I entered in the S.W.A.T, in the squad number seven. I entered easily due to my abilities, it seemed that to learn fast and be good in stressful situations helps a lot."
That's clunky.
'Two weeks ago, I joined the squad seven of SWAT. Being able to learn fast and being good under stress helped a lot.'
Don't say things like 'it seemed' 'it appeared that', be confident.
"The firsts days I have been the target of my squad's pranks because I was new."
You need to put a comma when you start a sentence with an adverb. 'The first days' is an adverb phrase.
It lacks the personality of the MC. I'm not sure if this is clear. But since you are using the first person, you should show how he is and thinks.
Also, don't start with the conclusion and then put the cause.
'I was new, so everybody thought it would be funny to prank me.' sounds much better.
"With the time we started getting better and they stopped."
???
'With time (or after some time), we got along and they stopped.'
I don't think people at SWAT make pranks like that, they aren't as childish. (I hope. xD) They need to be experienced police officers to enter.
"'We have a robbery going on in a bank, three armed thieves holding twenty-five people as prisoners, big large windows, two entrances and an unknown situation inside' -Doc responded."
"I complained"
Just use said. The sentence feels clunky. I don't know why.
"Our principal objective inside was to neutralize the hostiles and after finding the hostage, rescue them."
Hostile is an adjective, not a noun. It should be hostages. But the sentence doesn't say anything actually.
And there isn't a secondary objective, nor objectives outside.
"Prepared Alden shout loudly"
OMG. xD That sentence.
I don't think SWAT uses the word breach? I'm not sure though. They may use it.
"Rocky detonated the four small charges of C4 after hearing him."
Isn't four a bit too much? I'm not an expert on explosives, but it sounds like a lot for a small door. Heck, not sure if you even need explosives, a good kick and it opens.
"all was a trap"
All was a trap indeed.
Wait, Rocky is a girl? Poor Sylvester Stallone.
"with Raid injured"
It should be Reid.
"With Doc out, Rocky was the leader. And with Rocky out, I was the one giving the orders."
Just say 'it was me.'
"We were alone, only our voices sounds were resounding those rooms."
'We were alone, only our voices resounded in the room.' or 'We were alone, only the sound of our voices resounded in the rooms.'
It still feels clunky. Not sure what the idea is.
Use said instead of other things that aren't said, unless they are action tags, in which case use only action tags.
"He suggested with more altered than before."
With his voice more altered than before I suppose.
"It seems that I have more eggs even being the new."
Do you speak Spanish? lol Anyway, it should be balls, seemed instead of seems, and you shouldn't use seemed anyway, since you need to be confident in what you say. 'I was new, yet I had more balls than the others.' Also, he isn't new anymore, you told us before that he spent some time there already. (At the beginning of the story)
"Police department sixth one, drop your weapons and surrender!"
Wasn't he in SWAT's squad seven? Now he is in police department six? And it should be Police department six, not sixth one. (Not sure, but certainly not 'sixth one')
"'Calm down, at the hour of three we turn back and we see what it is. Be ready' -I told Alden and I started counting.
'One, two, three!!'"
Count not hour. Don't separate it into two. Keep the sentence in one. If the person that spoke keeps talking, don't start a new line.
Be more descriptive on the attacks and all that.
Yeah, now I see that you were indeed Spanish. lol It was kinda obvious. :P
Anyway, you need to improve your English a bit. You write too many clunky sentences and some of them don't make sense.
"Two weeks ago I entered in the S.W.A.T, in the squad number seven. I entered easily due to my abilities, it seemed that to learn fast and be good in stressful situations helps a lot."
That's clunky.
'Two weeks ago, I joined the squad seven of SWAT. Being able to learn fast and being good under stress helped a lot.'
Don't say things like 'it seemed' 'it appeared that', be confident.
"The firsts days I have been the target of my squad's pranks because I was new."
You need to put a comma when you start a sentence with an adverb. 'The first days' is an adverb phrase.
It lacks the personality of the MC. I'm not sure if this is clear. But since you are using the first person, you should show how he is and thinks.
Also, don't start with the conclusion and then put the cause.
'I was new, so everybody thought it would be funny to prank me.' sounds much better.
"With the time we started getting better and they stopped."
???
'With time (or after some time), we got along and they stopped.'
I don't think people at SWAT make pranks like that, they aren't as childish. (I hope. xD) They need to be experienced police officers to enter.
"'We have a robbery going on in a bank, three armed thieves holding twenty-five people as prisoners, big large windows, two entrances and an unknown situation inside' -Doc responded."
"I complained"
Just use said. The sentence feels clunky. I don't know why.
"Our principal objective inside was to neutralize the hostiles and after finding the hostage, rescue them."
Hostile is an adjective, not a noun. It should be hostages. But the sentence doesn't say anything actually.
And there isn't a secondary objective, nor objectives outside.
"Prepared Alden shout loudly"
OMG. xD That sentence.
I don't think SWAT uses the word breach? I'm not sure though. They may use it.
"Rocky detonated the four small charges of C4 after hearing him."
Isn't four a bit too much? I'm not an expert on explosives, but it sounds like a lot for a small door. Heck, not sure if you even need explosives, a good kick and it opens.
"all was a trap"
All was a trap indeed.
Wait, Rocky is a girl? Poor Sylvester Stallone.
"with Raid injured"
It should be Reid.
"With Doc out, Rocky was the leader. And with Rocky out, I was the one giving the orders."
Just say 'it was me.'
"We were alone, only our voices sounds were resounding those rooms."
'We were alone, only our voices resounded in the room.' or 'We were alone, only the sound of our voices resounded in the rooms.'
It still feels clunky. Not sure what the idea is.
Use said instead of other things that aren't said, unless they are action tags, in which case use only action tags.
"He suggested with more altered than before."
With his voice more altered than before I suppose.
"It seems that I have more eggs even being the new."
Do you speak Spanish? lol Anyway, it should be balls, seemed instead of seems, and you shouldn't use seemed anyway, since you need to be confident in what you say. 'I was new, yet I had more balls than the others.' Also, he isn't new anymore, you told us before that he spent some time there already. (At the beginning of the story)
"Police department sixth one, drop your weapons and surrender!"
Wasn't he in SWAT's squad seven? Now he is in police department six? And it should be Police department six, not sixth one. (Not sure, but certainly not 'sixth one')
"'Calm down, at the hour of three we turn back and we see what it is. Be ready' -I told Alden and I started counting.
'One, two, three!!'"
Count not hour. Don't separate it into two. Keep the sentence in one. If the person that spoke keeps talking, don't start a new line.
Be more descriptive on the attacks and all that.
Yeah, now I see that you were indeed Spanish. lol It was kinda obvious. :P
Anyway, you need to improve your English a bit. You write too many clunky sentences and some of them don't make sense.
My novel: Between War and Magic
RE: Would someone review my story? Even if it's bad.
#4
I read your review. First of all, thanks a lot. Second I will review your story, I read it and I like it. I didn't read all, I will need more time. Once, I finish I will review it.
Also I have to say somethings, I heard that in the first days the old members make pranks to the new members.
The explosives the swat uses are small charges, that are connected. I lowered the number to four but in the real life they use seven for metalic doors and one for other doors. They cant just kick in because the hostiles would shoot them. The explosives are used as a distraction. Also the doors of a bank are reinforced to avoid possible a robbery. Useless but they have it.
I have seen swat raids and they say"Police department... or FBI drop your weapons. Using explosives they say, clear the way, breach...
The rest are my mistake XD sorry I will need to change all of them. Thanks for helping me.
Also I have to say somethings, I heard that in the first days the old members make pranks to the new members.
The explosives the swat uses are small charges, that are connected. I lowered the number to four but in the real life they use seven for metalic doors and one for other doors. They cant just kick in because the hostiles would shoot them. The explosives are used as a distraction. Also the doors of a bank are reinforced to avoid possible a robbery. Useless but they have it.
I have seen swat raids and they say"Police department... or FBI drop your weapons. Using explosives they say, clear the way, breach...
The rest are my mistake XD sorry I will need to change all of them. Thanks for helping me.