Review and win the chance for a free game.

#1
I am wanting feedback and reviews of my story.  I have not posted it to royal road because I do not think it is ready and I want to get at least another 8 chapters done.  (Already have them outlined and know the basics of what will be in each).  To read the story click on the links below.

Please follow the basic review guidelines.  Leave the reviews in the comment below. 

Here is the story.  Be warned it is likely a little boring as the action is not supposed to pick up until after chapter 8.

Synopsis:  Tia begins playing the newest VRMMORPG and decides to trust the developers and pick a the crappiest race possible believing it is balanced similar to the other races.   The main character will never become OP other than a cookbook.

Prologue:    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1o28QnaBe5zn5t8ad8gnBchjtCbMYnl-mEDEadztBRPY/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 1:   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V7vBNrNbAxOgEFT1x--NH_S_qQXfJvOAXlaHHEwQylI/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 2:   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t7nDzhnqUggJgFi5OnGL2YHaoq0ITJJBVTZ6xmisu5g/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 3:   https://docs.google.com/document/d/10fS6U4u2QIF0In5mJ5JFAVafR2zlxMSdGm4ZUOA4zsA/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 4:   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eM8e1mj0yuQrYF-yqeVuRT55uD7TS9Tan_GSdZQgx1U/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 5:   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e2zdQjFzfuixsEb7K7waPPV480bk44R61kcYeQCJQ7M/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 6:   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_eHHgwag-eqKSBk-My3oJLPeNfP8Sx6qMLrb5R7TCco/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 7:   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1E-cSMY4jrsXY0zUAIHiXhRI7k3bS1lj2SsdiFyUNR2g/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 8:   https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xeSaqsY099baBBG0Eu7ygjAKIeL9kBfjwGRYifv8V-c/edit?usp=sharing

Please write the review in this thread.

RE: Review and win the chance for a free game.

#2
I might be a bit harsh, but can I say: you asked for it? :3


0. Okay, so the prologue strait up tells us of the family and about this game. No idea what POV character's surroundings are, or what any of these characters look like, these characters have little to no movement within the story so it's like reading about talking floating heads.
(There is no atmosphere grounding us in a scene!)
Most of the POV character's 'thoughts' are info dumps stating facts rather than the impressions/opinions and reactions of a single character.

[Small Question]: Why script format?

1. Chapter one starts with the POV character entering the game capsule and then dumping a lot of more specific rules about the game. Also shows us the long and tedious 'create the character' scene.
Finally, we enter the game, and the only descriptions of the game, at this point, were about a couple of the surrounding characters and two moons. Really? -no general description of what the town looks like? (You eventually go into telling us about shops... what do the shops look like? Are they made of solid brick or of straw... wood?)...........................
-and more importantly!
Does the POV character have emotions? Is our POV character excited to have finally finished creating a character? Are there no feelings for having finally entering the game for the first time? Does the POV character have an impression on anything?


Aaaaand I have reached my threshold for how much I can tolerate (I lasted longer than I thought I would).
Overall impression of the prologue and chapter one: Pretty boring. No movement, mostly people talking (-I admit I skipped most of the speech because I was trying to find some sort of specific description to spark my imagination or any sort of movement... Couldn't find any :(

I'd mostly like to see the POV character express an opinion, outside of speech. Sadly the one and ONLY time I got one was when a special chest was obtained?
also
ADD IN SOME BODY LANGUAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RE: Review and win the chance for a free game.

#3
Thanks for your two reviews. After reading it I have decided to rewrite it and change a few things.

Change 1: Get rid of the script formatting.

Change 2: Ton down on the information dumps. I am a hard core theory-crafting in games and love gathering numbers and learning information but I understand that is not for everyone. So will be cutting a ton of information out and slowly add what is important.

Change 3: Greatly limit the number of blue screens. After reading them again I have way to many. Maybe limit myself to not more than 3-5 per.

Change 4: Give more descriptive surrounding and try to bring the world more alive. I know how it looks I just need to write the description so readers can also.

Thanks for the feedback. I went ahead and ransomed a number 1-2 from the Random.org site and the number came out as 1. I'll send Chiisutofupuru a PM about the game.

RE: Review and win the chance for a free game.

#4
I suggest making a glossary or putting all the technical information (that doesn't move the story forward) into spoiler tags.
For a reader reading an RPG story for the first time(or is new to RPG gaming), the information is helpful, but if the reader already knows about all the game basics just from knowing what 'fortitude' is, reading it all again feels like math review.