Please review my work, 

https://royalroadl.com/fiction/12612/the-heir-of-wilberforce

Here is the synopsis;

In a world where there are seven earths, in a world where there are people who can control spirits, and in fact wield elements like Fire, Water, Lightning, Earth, and the wind, in a world where a compulsory annual competition that can nominate someone as either a King or a Slave determines the fate of everyone, a young man named Armad Wilberforce, with the ability to manipulate the laws of nature, and order Thunder strikes, is drawn into a century-long conflict of finding a mysterious man.

Armad Wilberforce lost his father to the same cause, and his sister was murdered due to the same reason. Yet, his family seems to never give up, as his mother joins the struggle. But, she has also lost, and now bedridden.

He's the only member of his family, who still wants to take on the legacy, and continue the same struggle!

But just as he set out on his mission, his fate becomes twisted as his soul splits into two; one part is sent into an unknown future and the other remained in his present.

I read until chapter 3.

Review: Wilberforce
Grammar:
"These mountains extend as far as the eyes could see and had been as old as the Seven Worlds."
You use present then past. It should be: extended. (Or 'are' instead of 'had been', as in: The mountains still exists today, even if the story happened long ago.)

"...the little ground, not occupied by..."
There shouldn't be a comma there.

"But as they approached, its small heinous green eyes traverse through the mist and met the eyes of the rider on the right."
You can remove the 'But as they approached'. (Or at least the 'But', but you use 'as' too much.)
It's not traverse, it should be traversed.

"Suddenly the snake started to shake violently, as its eyes met a glow from the greenish-brown eyes of this rider."
The snake shook.
Not sure why you ended the paragraph there. You were talking about the snake seeing the eyes of the rider. Then you ended the paragraph, then continued talking about the snake seeing the eyes of the rider.
On the other hand, it should be hard to see on the mist. Yet the snake could clearly see the color of the eyes of the rider far away.

"Its body suddenly..."
Another suddenly, don't use them so much or it isn't sudden.

Some problems with commas.

"As this three reached the position"
You were talking about the snake and suddenly talked about the three riders. It's confusing to do that. And it should be 'these three'.

"As they passed this area, they seemed to found themselves in a cul-de-sac; a mountain as high as the heavens and apparently as deep as the earths, seemed to cut off their way forward completely."
They found themselves in a dead end. In front of them, a mountain as high as the heavens and as deep as the earths cut their way forward completely.
'cul-de-sac' don't use fancy words, just say dead end. (Or say it, it's more of a stylistic choice)
Don't doubt. 'they seemed' 'apparently' 'seemed to'. (Well, the last seemed to may stay, since you will just prove that it wasn't the case)
I'm pretty sure that that's not how you use a semicolon. The same for the next semicolon.

"In the past second, he was about to collide with the mountain, in the next second the mountain completely disappeared from existence, without the slightest sign of its prior existence. It wasn't even given the chance to scream or released dust before it was wiped. Obviously the power inside those eyes had the ability to determine life or otherwise for all the existence within the mountains."
You said existence too much. It wasn't obvious at all. I thought it was just a fake mountain. Isn't that a bit op though? Determining life and death. (And say life and death, not life or otherwise)

"The middle rider addressed the question from the left rider."
Which question? It should be 'answered' instead of 'addressed the question', but there is no question! Stick to said. Asked and answered are okay, but don't use answered if there isn't a question just before it.

"There was a spontaneous abrupt halting of the two horses riding by his side, mainly as a response to his answer."
Or: 'The horses stopped.' / 'The other two riders stopped.'

Too many "seemed". Don't doubt.
Too many "suddenly" as well. Don't use them too much.
What's a Belligee? You explain it on chapter 2, but until then you use it and we don't know.

"Mean while his..."
Meanwhile.

Too many comma mistakes, using them where they shouldn't be used and not using where they should.

Did you change sword technique to sword art? Or are they different things? If they aren't, stick to one.

-- End Prologue --
"He continued and didn't stop until sunset, by the time which he had already left to the outskirt of the village."
??? Do you mean: 'By that time, he already left the outskirt of the village.'

"...his eyes read a small symbol in front of the shop, reading prevention."
??? The small symbol said 'reading prevention'? Or he tried to read, but couldn't, because the symbol prevented him from reading?

"'Hello!' Armad called anxiously as he reached, and only a second passed, when he felt he couldn't wait any longer, and he bumped into the door of the shop."
Make it more than one sentence. Don't use as many ands, specially not two ands in a sentence.

"However before he could get to the inside"
You need to use a comma after an adverb: 'However, before he...' And it's 'get inside', 'get to the inside' sounds weird.

"A long sheathed sword, tied to her black robe."
No comma there: 'A long sheathed sword was tied to her black robe.'

Don't use appeared so much. I said it on the prologue as well.

"The man, who appeared to be a therapist didn't want to waste any more time, and started checking her pulse and then he moved to dilate her eyes with both his thumbs. You could tell that he knew what he was doing, by just observing the way he moved his hands."
Comma: You should add a comma after therapist and remove the comma before by.
Remove the started and appeared. Specially since you say that he knew what he was doing.
'The therapist didn't want to waste more time. He checked her pulse and dilated her eyes with his thumbs. One could tell he knew what he was doing by just observing his movements.'

"about my mom's illness expect him"
Except.

"'But I'm sure, you fully know of the fact that I don't do things for free, right!' Babara snarled, pointing to a nearby broad and flattened rock surface, 'put the sick there.'"
There shouldn't be a but at the beginning, but it's okay. Use said instead of snarled. And don't use said or snarled if you are going to use an action tag. (Babara pointed at a ...)
There should be a ? instead of a !.
"'I'm sure you fully know of the fact that I don't do things for free, right?' Babara pointed to a nearby broad and flattened rock surface, 'put the sick there.'"

We can imply that they walked without you needing to say it.

"He used both his thumbs to open her eyes, and observe for a while."
No need to say both, saying his thumbs suffices. No need for a comma there. And it should be observed.

"The boy's mood instantly lifted as he suddenly felt happy. He bowed deeply..."
Cut down the adverbs.

"As he stood, his eye-catching white robe had turned into a dirty."
The sentence is wrong.

On plot:
You should develop more the characters in the firsts chapters.
The info dump on the skills was out of place there.
Your names are weird. (Well, I use weird names as well... xD)
Overall it's not bad. At least until chapter 3, I haven't read more.


Review mine if you want.
https://forum.royalroadl.com/showthread.php?tid=98913

Edit:
It's been mostly on grammar since that's where most of the faults lie in and I didn't read enough to comment on the other as much.

I really love it thanks. I'll rectify all the mistakes you pointed out and I'll certainly review your work. Keep in mind, I'm not a native English speaker so most of my constructive criticisms will be on character, plot, and would build. Since I realized I personally don't want to comment on style too much (I believe it's just subjective). Thank you once again.

By the way, I just bookmarked your book. Do you want the review here or on your page.

Okay I've already write a review on your page. I was just honest, don't know if you like it. But below are the things I think you should consider while counting your view list.

1 : prologue; I think your prologue should be more attractive. You should capture all the important themes in your novel. Which maybe you did, but at least not that apparent. At least not to me.

2 : Name of the Novel : Names like lightning emperor, sword immortal, Emperors.... Attract more viewers.

3 : Quantity matters a lot, so start complaining only after you've put down 500+ pages

4 : Harem also add both followers and views

5 : Genre matters a lot on rrl, and I assure you that even if you are writing a rubbish LitRPG, you will get much more views here than another with different genre. So don't worry about that, time will differentiate you if you've a promising plot.

I saw your other thread that's why I'm writing this.
So I hope you'll help me with a review on my page also. I still don't have any.

The thing of the review on the fiction is that I didn't read as many chapters of your novel to do it justice. And since I was writing all the errors and ways to improve it, I didn't think it was fit to put it there, where it's mostly for the readers. I put it here, for you, so you fix them and learn.


First, thanks. :P

About the novel:
"1 : prologue; I think your prologue should be more attractive. You should capture all the important themes in your novel. Which maybe you did, but at least not that apparent. At least not to me. "
There was no prologue. It started on chapter 1. And...  Yeah, it didn't capture all the important themes of the novel. Mostly since that wasn't my intention with chapter 1, it was just to start the story from the beginning and show the character.

"2 : Name of the Novel : Names like lightning emperor, sword immortal, Emperors.... Attract more viewers."
He won't be an emperor nor an immortal. xD
I liked my title. :P It doesn't fit so much now, since there aren't any wars yet, but it will.

"3 : Quantity matters a lot, so start complaining only after you've put down 500+ pages"
Yeah, I dunno. I saw other stories with less chapters and double or triple the traffic and got jealous. :P Still, my main worry was that I kept 100 views on all chapters until 7, where it went down to 60. D: And I liked that chapter, so I didn't know why it happened.

"4 : Harem also add both followers and views"
But he won't be in a harem.

"5 : Genre matters a lot on rrl, and I assure you that even if you are writing a rubbish LitRPG, you will get much more views here than another with different genre. So don't worry about that, time will differentiate you if you've a promising plot."
I hope time tells. D:


"Lemme be clear with one thing, I'm not one of those reviewers that give 5/5 for the leave-home-join-a-sect-and-become-the-strongest-there plot. I'm tired of it from both CD and issth. And your plot started like that, but fortunately it took an interesting turn."
Well, the MC did left home to join a sect.
But the plot is more about wars and magic. (That's why I named it that way lol)

"The power levels are so far well set."
Eh? They aren't. I mean, the reader doesn't know much about the power levels. I hinted it on the fights. (Two spheres of mana, one that could negate mana with words, the Elder who could barely do something with his mana, etc...)
If you mean the magic capability, that's a talent level.
I will show the power levels more as the MC becomes stronger and learns, so that the reader learns it together with the MC. After all it's only chapter 9, and I expect to have hundreds of chapters.

"The world is not. Because up to this point (Ch 8), I can't picture the world clearly in my head."
You know as much as the MC. And the MC is a villager who never went to any place farthest than the nearby city. (At least until he went into the academy)
So... yeah, you don't know much. But when he learns more about the world, you will know. It's learning it slowly throughout the story.

"You did well here, except sometimes you forget to tell us about the important physical features of some of the important characters (especially in the earlier chapters)."
That was on purpose. xD The idea is that you imagine them how you want them to be with few hints from the author. :P I thought it was good that way. Ie. He is creepy and skinny. Then you hear him talk, and you imagine him a certain way. Rather than me spending a paragraph telling how he looks.

"Also about grandma; even though I like psychiatry classes a lot in medical school, but I still can't diagnose the exact type of schizophrenia she has. For she has Delusions, Illusions and even Hallucinations. Maybe you can shed more light."
Eh... I didn't go to medical school. :P So yeah, it's not a medical condition. She has pain as well. It's a fantasy world, there is magic, dragons, animals and plants that don't exist here. There surely can be a medical condition that doesn't exists here, right? :P
I don't think I will get more into that.

"This is good and readable, only that you missed some words sometimes. And I don't if it's just me, but I seem to realize you using a lot of 'On' instead of 'In'."
I don't know, I always have trouble with on, in, at. I may need to review them and pay more attention.
Which words did I miss? If I miss them, I won't know. xD

Thanks again. I will write a review, but not today. I wanted to finish writing a chapter today, and post it today or tomorrow. Then I wanted to read more chapters of your story first, since three chapters isn't enough and that takes time.

You are welcome. About that 'prologue' sorry I mean 'synopsis'. One more thing, don't change your style. It's really captivating (well that maybe me personally) but I assure you I read all your chapters without taking a break. And that's because I really enjoyed it. It's not too detailed to be boring and at the same time it's not too stingy on the descriptions. Well thanks, keep up the good work I'm sure to follow.

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'Tanaka Tomoyuki' pid='827783' dateline='1505154805' Wrote: Are you joking? Lightning Emperor? Sword Immortal? Emperors? Yeah, sure, maybe those titles may make your story popular and turn it into clickbait, but you should NOT title your story with such titles unless your story revolves around that alone! And Jokerx7's story certainly isn't about an emperor or immortals. Don't just pander to the audience. I feel that he has a good title. Changing his title into your suggestions just make it seem childish and plays into the whole power fantasy, wish-fulfilment stories with godlike, Mary Sue protagonists kicking everyone's asses just because. You're just making another clone of Number One Under Heaven, Arcane Emperor, etc. Do not do it. Write your own story, because you have your own story to tell, not because you want to be another Arcane Emperor or whatever (which, to be honest, you can't).

Harem...wtf. Don't add harem for the sake of getting followers and views. If you don't want a harem in your story, then do not throw a harem into your story. Please. Again, it just plays into the whole wish-fulfilment thing. Wish fulfilment is all right by itself, but when people start doing stuff like harems where women fall for the protagonist just because he's the protagonist, it becomes obnoxious to read.

I'm sorry, Wilberforce, but I honestly think your advice is a little...off the mark. It will not help Jokerx7 write a better story. It'll just help him write another clone, and what's going to make his version stand out from the rest?

Yeah, you are right actually. I wasn't implying that he use them. What I mean is, the novels with these things carry more views and followers on rrl. So he shouldn't worry himself too much if his views and followers are less than theirs. At least because it doesn't show his work is any less than theirs.