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I'm willing to edit anyone's story description.

#25
(10-10-17, 10:20 PM)Danetello Wrote: For the story 'Aloga'. https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14432/aloga
I tried to change the description in an attempt to stop it from sounding like it's the summary of a chapter. Most of the details I put in my attempt are pure speculation, so change them if they aren't correct. Still, I suggest you use my version as a framework at least. Your story is still at its starts so I didn't have much to go on. Here is my attempt.
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Confusion shines through Tommy’s deep blue eyes. He’s awoken in a strange new world. Accompanied by five other people, 2 boys and 3 girls, Tommy’s adventure has just begun. Tommy will encounter countless dangers and marvellous people. Follow Tommy as he tries to uncover the mysteries of this giant world, that’s shaped like a disk, and the Top God that transported them here.

       Sounds great to me! I might end up changing at least some of it as the story goes on, but for now, it's perfect.
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#26
Thank you for the offering of help. I'd be joyful to see your version of my description:

https://royalroadl.com/my/fiction/14334

Please give it a try if you have time.

Thank you for having the initiative to help others.
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#27
For the story 'Avatar': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14334/ava...wild-lands
I cleaned up the description and rearranged the word order. I changed some of the miss-used prepositions and added much-needed commas. Overall, the description isn't bad, but the long drawn-out sentences made it jarring to read. I hope you consider the changes that I made to your description.
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The Raiders of the North Sea, in the name of the Spirits of the Deep, ravage the misty shores. The Empire of the Holy Flame’s serfs, hide in their fiefs of Fire Knights and guard themselves against the Dark Spirits that roam the wilds. The Caliphs in the East, leading their Holy Army, head towards the hopeless Heaven's Shrine. There, the beleaguered monks, listen as the Voice of the Wind predict the coming of a saviour. The saviour will teach harmony to a world that has forgotten peace.

This saviour is the Avatar. The ancient embodiment of balance. The Avatar, who wields the power of the four elements, will establish unity among the Four Nations and bring balance to humankind and spirits.
Check out my story Colossus' Dream.
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#28
(12-10-17, 02:53 PM)Danetello Wrote: For the story 'Avatar': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14334/ava...wild-lands
I cleaned up the description and rearranged the word order. I changed some of the miss-used prepositions and added much-needed commas. Overall, the description isn't bad, but the long drawn-out sentences made it jarring to read. I hope you consider the changes that I made to your description.
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The Raiders of the North Sea, in the name of the Spirits of the Deep, ravage the misty shores. The Empire of the Holy Flame’s serfs, hide in their fiefs of Fire Knights and guard themselves against the Dark Spirits that roam the wilds. The Caliphs in the East, leading their Holy Army, head towards the hopeless Heaven's Shrine. There, the beleaguered monks, listen as the Voice of the Wind predict the coming of a saviour. The saviour will teach harmony to a world that has forgotten peace.

This saviour is the Avatar. The ancient embodiment of balance. The Avatar, who wields the power of the four elements, will establish unity among the Four Nations and bring balance to humankind and spirits.

Thank you. I'll see what I can do.

Just one thing:

"There, the beleaguered monks"""",'""" listen as the Voice of the Wind predictS the coming of a saviour. "

Isn't your comma separating the subject from the verb of its sentence? Shouldn't there be an "s" after the verb to predict since it is at third-person present tense?

Also, do you want any sort of credit for your work? I feel bad for not giving back.

Here's the final version of your edit (I've fixed verbal cohesion and took away commas that separated subjects from verbs):

Stormy clouds hover over the Wild Lands. The Raiders of the North Sea, in the name of the Spirits of the Deep, ravage the misty shores. The Empire of the Holy Flame’s serfs hide in the fiefs of Fire Knights and guard themselves against the Dark Spirits that roam the wilds. The Caliph in the East, leading his Holy Army, heads towards the hopeless Heaven's Shrine. There, the beleaguered monks listen as the Voice of the Wind predicts the coming of a saviour. The saviour who will teach harmony to a world that has forgotten peace.

This savior is the Avatar, the ancient embodiment of balance: the one who wields the Four Elements to establish unity among the Four Nations, as well as between humankind and spirits.

(This is a non-profit fan-fiction. Avatar: The Last Airbender & Avatar: The Legend of Korra are a property of Nickelodeon, Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzk. We support the official release)


Thank you again.
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#29
If you can think of another way to word my synopsis, I'd love to hear it.
http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14586/inquisitor-the-hunt
- My works -

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#30
If you're still doing this, it would be great if you could look over mine.
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/12145/dev...ncarnation
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#31
For the story 'Inquisitor: The Hunt': http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14586/inquisitor-the-hunt
I mostly expanded the vocabulary and tried to improve the description's flow. I tried to maintain the original atmosphere and improve it. Overall, the description wasn't bad so there wasn't too much to improve on. You can take parts from my version or the whole thing. Hell, you can disregard my version entirely. It's up to you. Still, I hope you consider the changes I made.
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A shroud of darkness hides the night. The sounds of battle echoes throughout. Steel on steel, clashing in the unknown. A clash of death, uncaring and unjust.

A band of mercenaries surround a mysterious figure clad in ragged black robes. Beneath its weathered cowl, two bloodshot eyes pierce the darkness. Finally, they’ve found him. The bastard who they’ve been searching for, for months.

When they accepted his mark, they were offered a wagon-sized pile of gold crowns; enough to make their jaws slam against the floor. They assumed it would be a tricky job, but never, even in their wildest dreams, did they dare imagine they would be hunting such a ruthless monster. A being, who the devil itself would snarl at beneath his breath.

Now, they’ve found him. That was their second mistake. The first being, accepting his mark. A series of mistakes they’d regret for the rest of their insignificant lives.

For the story 'Devil Princess Reincarnation': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/12145/dev...ncarnation
Your description was grammatically and sentence wise perfect. This left me wondering how I can improve it, so I decided to take your description and rewrite it in my own style with some flair. Overall, I don't believe my edit is necessary, but maybe you can draw some inspiration from my version. It's up to you how you use my version.
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Of the Pine Family’s five children, Olivia Pine Fredirin was the most unremarkable. Born to a Ducal House in the Fredirin Kingdom, she was a naïve, sweet and timid girl. The type that’s completely unsuited to the hard world of royal politics.

However, half the truth is often a whole lie and only children and fools would believe what’s meets the eye. Olivia’s entire persona was fake, manufactured out of necessity. A way to maintain her life until her body grows strong enough to house her true soul.

Now, after seven years of waiting, she has finally awakened.
Check out my story Colossus' Dream.
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#32
(6 hours ago)Danetello Wrote: For the story 'Inquisitor: The Hunt': http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14586/inquisitor-the-hunt
I mostly expanded the vocabulary and tried to improve the description's flow. I tried to maintain the original atmosphere and improve it. Overall, the description wasn't bad so there wasn't too much to improve on. You can take parts from my version or the whole thing. Hell, you can disregard my version entirely. It's up to you. Still, I hope you consider the changes I made.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A shroud of darkness hides the night. The sounds of battle echoes throughout. Steel on steel, clashing in the unknown. A clash of death, uncaring and unjust.

A band of mercenaries surround a mysterious figure clad in ragged black robes. Beneath its weathered cowl, two bloodshot eyes pierce the darkness. Finally, they’ve found him. The bastard who they’ve been searching for, for months.

When they accepted his mark, they were offered a wagon-sized pile of gold crowns; enough to make their jaws slam against the floor. They assumed it would be a tricky job, but never, even in their wildest dreams, did they dare imagine they would be hunting such a ruthless monster. A being, who the devil itself would snarl at beneath his breath.

Now, they’ve found him. That was their second mistake. The first being, accepting his mark. A series of mistakes they’d regret for the rest of their insignificant lives.

For the story 'Devil Princess Reincarnation': https://royalroadl.com/fiction/12145/dev...ncarnation
Your description was grammatically and sentence wise perfect. This left me wondering how I can improve it, so I decided to take your description and rewrite it in my own style with some flair. Overall, I don't believe my edit is necessary, but maybe you can draw some inspiration from my version. It's up to you how you use my version.
------------------------------------------------------
Of the Pine Family’s five children, Olivia Pine Fredirin was the most unremarkable. Born to a Ducal House in the Fredirin Kingdom, she was a naïve, sweet and timid girl. The type that’s completely unsuited to the hard world of royal politics.

However, half the truth is often a whole lie and only children and fools would believe what’s meets the eye. Olivia’s entire persona was fake, manufactured out of necessity. A way to maintain her life until her body grows strong enough to house her true soul.

Now, after seven years of waiting, she has finally awakened.


Wow thank you, I love what you did with it. Eventually I'll rework it, but for now, I think I'll just stick with your version. hehe
- My works -

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