Brand new story, looking for some tips and perhaps even some reviews

#1
The story is ---> http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14586/inquisitor-the-hunt


I'd really appreciate some feedback on my story thus far. Of course barely any major plot-events have happened, but I feel that after writing about 24 pages you can start getting a feel for the story. 

I'm also looking for feedback on my writing itself, so things like grammar and punctuation. I'd also love some feedback on my use of dialogue, since I'm extremely new to writing dialogue, and I went for showing character traits and emotion in their words, and not through narration.


Keep in mind though, the story deserves the tags it has, it just so happens nothing major has occurred... yet.
Check out my two stories if you've got the time.
• Whatever your heart desires, whether it be wealth, power, fame, or infamy, only those who've earned it themselves may claim it. Embrace your angels, let loose your demons, or simply wipe the slate clean. Only the strong survive within the Ether.
Join Experiment XZ as he embarks on his journey in order to find out who he truly is, what awaits him as he ascends, or descends into Ether.
Embrace the Ether


• A shroud of darkness hides the night. The sounds of battle echoes throughout. Steel on steel, clashing in the unknown. A clash of death, uncaring and unjust. A band of mercenaries surround a mysterious figure clad in ragged black robes. Beneath its weathered cowl, two bloodshot eyes pierce the darkness. Finally, they’ve found him.

RE: Brand new story, looking for some tips and perhaps even some reviews

#2
I assume you want comments on story, but I can't personally read it because the style is quite all over the place.
Things I've noticed at a glance:

•POV swapping
•tense changes
•some unnecessary telling
•lots and lots of filtering (or "filter words")

I know you've said it's far from perfect in your author notes, but I've become a picky reader, haha :P
(Tossing this here for reference: http://forum.royalroadl.com/showthread.php?tid=52998)

RE: Brand new story, looking for some tips and perhaps even some reviews

#3
'Chiisutofupuru' pid='828720' dateline='1508564261' Wrote: I assume you want comments on story, but I can't personally read it because the style is quite all over the place.
Things I've noticed at a glance:

•POV swapping
•tense changes
•some unnecessary telling
•lots and lots of filtering (or "filter words")

I know you've said it's far from perfect in your author notes, but I've become a picky reader, haha :P
(Tossing this here for reference: http://forum.royalroadl.com/showthread.php?tid=52998)


I appreciate the feedback on my story! :)

Quick note though, which may come off as a bit of a spoiler, but I'll mark it as such.

POV Swapping issue:


I haven't actually fully introduced the main character, who is the man the three mercenaries are hunting for the first six or so chapters. I'm using these chapters to introduce both main mechanics of the world while also presently a backstory to the 'The Hunt', and why the main character is even being targetted. 

I plan for this to be a series of books, but that's of course way in the future.

So yeah, the three mercenaries who are talking are constantly being heard in the third person (I try my best to avoid showing their thoughts, since the readers are only along for the ride with them, and not supposed to be in their heads.)

I'm also doing this so I can introduce the main character through the eyes of outsiders since the MC is going to be this mentally broken husk of a man. (Reasons will become apparent)


I can somewhat see your complaint about POV swapping when it comes to the random cuts to the 'mysterious eyes' and the 'unknown voice' in chapters 2 and 3, but within the first arc those incidents will be explained, while also opening up a whole new door of trouble.


Tense changes:


I can absolutely see where you're coming from. I'm horrible at scaling time in my writing, and the difference between chapter three and four is supposed to be about four to five days, which would explain why they've seemingly placed their issues on the backburner. 

Or the jump from humor to combat, back to humor in chapter two. I absolutely understand that, and I intend to go back at a later date (presumably after I finish the first arc), and fix some of these issues. 


Unnecessary telling:


What exactly do you mean by this? Does this mean that some details and actions are unnecessary? If you could point out a few of these I'd appreciate it, just so I can get a better understanding of what this means.) 



Filter words:


Hmm... I think I understand this, but I'd love a few examples so I know what exactly you mean by this, so I can go through and better my writing. :D 


Oh and no problem, I'm also quite the picky reading, which is actually what got me into writing in the first place. I needed a healthy outlet, and I'm really into story-telling and world building. 


Thanks again for giving me some feedback on my work, I appreciate it. I'll also check out that thread you linked, without a doubt.
Check out my two stories if you've got the time.
• Whatever your heart desires, whether it be wealth, power, fame, or infamy, only those who've earned it themselves may claim it. Embrace your angels, let loose your demons, or simply wipe the slate clean. Only the strong survive within the Ether.
Join Experiment XZ as he embarks on his journey in order to find out who he truly is, what awaits him as he ascends, or descends into Ether.
Embrace the Ether


• A shroud of darkness hides the night. The sounds of battle echoes throughout. Steel on steel, clashing in the unknown. A clash of death, uncaring and unjust. A band of mercenaries surround a mysterious figure clad in ragged black robes. Beneath its weathered cowl, two bloodshot eyes pierce the darkness. Finally, they’ve found him.

RE: Brand new story, looking for some tips and perhaps even some reviews

#4
'Venior' pid='828723' dateline='1508567417' Wrote: I can somewhat see your complaint about POV swapping when it comes to the random cuts to the 'mysterious eyes' and the 'unknown voice' in chapters 2 and 3, but within the first arc those incidents will be explained, while also opening up a whole new door of trouble.
•You are writing more in an omniscient all-knowing perspective in the present tense (definitely not something I've seen very often... and a VERY hard challenge if you ask me).
•I actually haven't seen any of chapters two or three. I mostly browsed chapter four >_>
•Every time you state that someone 'realizes' or someone 'notices', that is stating that we are now in their perspective... observing from their point of view.
•Here's a POV swap within two paragraphs:
Quote:
Joul knew something was very off, so he didn't hesitate, “yes capt'!”

As Joul quickly heads towards the back of the storage house, Davist glances back towards the storage house, peeking his head inside. "Where the hell are they?" he said to himself. Quickly he glances back across the street, However, to his surprise, the enemy wasn't there anymore, nor were there any signs of it even being there.
Joel 'knew'
Joel "knowing" is stating we are in his perspective (because the readers now knows something Joel knows), but then he is leaving the scene in the next line and suddenly we are left with Davist. It isn't clear we are in Davist's perspective until the "to his surprise" (this is Davist's impression, so we are now in Davist's perspective).
(((One of my links can probably explain this better that I can XD


'Venior' pid='828723' dateline='1508567417' Wrote: Tenses:
I can absolutely see where you're coming from. I'm horrible at scaling time in my writing, and the difference between chapter three and four is supposed to be about four to five days, which would explain why they've seemingly placed their issues on the backburner. 

Or the jump from humor to combat, back to humor in chapter two. I absolutely understand that, and I intend to go back at a later date (presumably after I finish the first arc), and fix some of these issues.
I meant you use past tense sometimes when most of your writing is in the present tense.
Chapter four's example of past tense: Joul's cheeks turned bright red (the word 'turned' is past tense where 'turns' would be the present tense)
(((Note: in chapter four you usually go for the 'es' words rather than the 'ed' words... so I assume you were going for the present tense. You also use says rather than 'said' >_>)))

'Venior' pid='828723' dateline='1508567417' Wrote: Unnecessary telling:
What exactly do you mean by this? Does this mean that some details and actions are unnecessary? If you could point out a few of these I'd appreciate it, just so I can get a better understanding of what this means.)
Like the first line in chapter one: 
Quote:...deep enough you would've been able to see bloody bone when he first received it.
This is 'telling' us about what his scar once looked like, and my thought is after reading this detail: who cares? (Seriously!) Does a character in your story notice this detail? If so, show us through their perspective! ~and show us their impression of it!
--->He has a scar (a great way to identify a character straight away but), we readers don't need to know anything more until the smaller details become important!

•Adding to 'show, don't tell':
Every time you describe something, describe it in ACTION! Try not to stop or pause the story to describe what something looks like (even if it is an inanimate object, it is doing something).


'Venior' pid='828723' dateline='1508567417' Wrote: Filter words:
Hmm... I think I understand this, but I'd love a few examples so I know what exactly you mean by this, so I can go through and better my writing. :D
Like 'to notice', 'to seem' and 'to look'.
You use these three a LOT.
•To notice and to look can easily be taken out if instead you simply describe what the characters are noticing or looking at; instead of showing us the characters noticing or looking at these things. (Does that make sense? haha)
•Taking out the 'to seem' would require a narrator more sure of himself:
Quote:
Making its appearance directly behind them, towards the center of town. A ghoulish looking creature, which seems to be trying to size them up. The nightmorph is female, and it wears an old, white dress, with a bridal headpiece covering it's face. It's fingers appear almost ghoulish in nature, giving off the presence of the dead.
Making its appearance directly behind them, towards the center of town, a ghoul steps in cascaded in a bridal white dress, eyeing them up and down.
(See how I'm showing the movement of her 'sizing them up'? Body language is great!)

RE: Brand new story, looking for some tips and perhaps even some reviews

#5
'Chiisutofupuru' pid='828727' dateline='1508571735' Wrote:
'Venior' pid='828723' dateline='1508567417' Wrote: I can somewhat see your complaint about POV swapping when it comes to the random cuts to the 'mysterious eyes' and the 'unknown voice' in chapters 2 and 3, but within the first arc those incidents will be explained, while also opening up a whole new door of trouble.
•You are writing more in an omniscient all-knowing perspective in the present tense (definitely not something I've seen very often... and a VERY hard challenge if you ask me).
•I actually haven't seen any of chapters two or three. I mostly browsed chapter four >_>
•Every time you state that someone 'realizes' or someone 'notices', that is stating that we are now in their perspective... observing from their point of view.
•Here's a POV swap within two paragraphs:
Quote:
Joul knew something was very off, so he didn't hesitate, “yes capt'!”

As Joul quickly heads towards the back of the storage house, Davist glances back towards the storage house, peeking his head inside. "Where the hell are they?" he said to himself. Quickly he glances back across the street, However, to his surprise, the enemy wasn't there anymore, nor were there any signs of it even being there.
Joel 'knew'
Joel "knowing" is stating we are in his perspective (because the readers now knows something Joel knows), but then he is leaving the scene in the next line and suddenly we are left with Davist. It isn't clear we are in Davist's perspective until the "to his surprise" (this is Davist's impression, so we are now in Davist's perspective).
(((One of my links can probably explain this better that I can XD


'Venior' pid='828723' dateline='1508567417' Wrote: Tenses:
I can absolutely see where you're coming from. I'm horrible at scaling time in my writing, and the difference between chapter three and four is supposed to be about four to five days, which would explain why they've seemingly placed their issues on the backburner. 

Or the jump from humor to combat, back to humor in chapter two. I absolutely understand that, and I intend to go back at a later date (presumably after I finish the first arc), and fix some of these issues.
I meant you use past tense sometimes when most of your writing is in the present tense.
Chapter four's example of past tense: Joul's cheeks turned bright red (the word 'turned' is past tense where 'turns' would be the present tense)
(((Note: in chapter four you usually go for the 'es' words rather than the 'ed' words... so I assume you were going for the present tense. You also use says rather than 'said' >_>)))

'Venior' pid='828723' dateline='1508567417' Wrote: Unnecessary telling:
What exactly do you mean by this? Does this mean that some details and actions are unnecessary? If you could point out a few of these I'd appreciate it, just so I can get a better understanding of what this means.)
Like the first line in chapter one: 
Quote:...deep enough you would've been able to see bloody bone when he first received it.
This is 'telling' us about what his scar once looked like, and my thought is after reading this detail: who cares? (Seriously!) Does a character in your story notice this detail? If so, show us through their perspective! ~and show us their impression of it!
--->He has a scar (a great way to identify a character straight away but), we readers don't need to know anything more until the smaller details become important!

•Adding to 'show, don't tell':
Every time you describe something, describe it in ACTION! Try not to stop or pause the story to describe what something looks like (even if it is an inanimate object, it is doing something).


'Venior' pid='828723' dateline='1508567417' Wrote: Filter words:
Hmm... I think I understand this, but I'd love a few examples so I know what exactly you mean by this, so I can go through and better my writing. :D
Like 'to notice', 'to seem' and 'to look'.
You use these three a LOT.
•To notice and to look can easily be taken out if instead you simply describe what the characters are noticing or looking at; instead of showing us the characters noticing or looking at these things. (Does that make sense? haha)
•Taking out the 'to seem' would require a narrator more sure of himself:
Quote:
Making its appearance directly behind them, towards the center of town. A ghoulish looking creature, which seems to be trying to size them up. The nightmorph is female, and it wears an old, white dress, with a bridal headpiece covering it's face. It's fingers appear almost ghoulish in nature, giving off the presence of the dead.
Making its appearance directly behind them, towards the center of town, a ghoul steps in cascaded in a bridal white dress, eyeing them up and down.
(See how I'm showing the movement of her 'sizing them up'? Body language is great!)


That's a lot to respond to right now, so I'm just going to quickly say thank you. haha

I'm definitely going to rework some of my chapters, and I absolutely appreciate the help you've given me. I'm assuming it would be easier to have a past tensed narrator if I'm going for an almost, all knowing style? I'd like to keep in certain cuts and POV swaps, but I'm not sure the best way to do this. 

I'll of course read through all the resources you've given me. :D


Really though, thanks. I was started to get bummed out when no one responded after some time, so you've really helped me out.
Check out my two stories if you've got the time.
• Whatever your heart desires, whether it be wealth, power, fame, or infamy, only those who've earned it themselves may claim it. Embrace your angels, let loose your demons, or simply wipe the slate clean. Only the strong survive within the Ether.
Join Experiment XZ as he embarks on his journey in order to find out who he truly is, what awaits him as he ascends, or descends into Ether.
Embrace the Ether


• A shroud of darkness hides the night. The sounds of battle echoes throughout. Steel on steel, clashing in the unknown. A clash of death, uncaring and unjust. A band of mercenaries surround a mysterious figure clad in ragged black robes. Beneath its weathered cowl, two bloodshot eyes pierce the darkness. Finally, they’ve found him.