Serious feedback exchange offer

#1
Hello everyone, 

I'm looking for a serious feedback exchange.  My offer is that you give me feedback for my fiction Prince of Destiny and I will give you feedback of exactly the same quality you give me for the story of your choice.

The mother-son dynamic is important in the story, but I'm not sure if the opening is engaging enough... :(

https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14655/prince-of-destiny

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#2
Link to OP's story
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14655/the-prince-of-destiny-or-the-son-of-the-witch

I would be happy to do so. Will post review shortly.
http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14658/the-dungeon-pact


Wholesome and heartwarming. The relationship between Karl and Leevana is beautiful.

The start makes his parents seem a little distant and not enough time is spent on fleshing out their relationship, which could otherwise be used to highlight the tragedy of Karl's parents death and the kindness of the night-hag who took him in.
The relationship described is lovely, but is occasionally compromised by slightly odd phrases and dialogue. (I am being overly critical here and for the most part the issues described here are relatively minor and in no way affect the story significantly, however, for the sake of critique, I am bringing them up - the story is lovely and gets off to a slow-paced but engaging start once Karl's parents have been shot)

Despite this, the world building, style, and overall imagination is wonderful. The relationship is heartwarming and enjoyable to watch developing. I will be watching closely.
4.5/5

(No need for fanfic tag - inspiration is not alteration)

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#3
Hello Alexis! Welcome to my thread and I'm glad to have a reader with an imagination like yours. As promised, my appraisal of chapter one and two of The Dungeon Pact:

Intriguing worldbuilding which shows a sense of the weird and wonderful. I admire fantasy authors who are ready to tackle their own pantheon. I see Tyl’s ascension is painted as sort of the reverse of the Ancient Greek pantheon change… the Titans were supposed to be worse than the Olympian gods, although the latter were still pretty awful.

There are really intriguing titbits of details as well. Is Tyl’s brand of theocracy modelled after medieval Europe? So the Pardoners are not clergy? Luneil’s status as dungeon master is the part that interests me most of all, since it takes me back so many years to Dungeons and Dragons and Fighting Fantasy. I actually wanted more to be done with this and I have no doubt that it will be.

I think Tyl shows a certain despicable ruthlessness even though we don't get her POV… her strategy is basically that of trench warfare – chucking people (or Pardoners) wholesale at the problem.

The first chapter shows terrific imagination. The second chapter recounting Luneil’s exploits in his diminished form does as well, but it turns creepier. Luneil must be a being cursed with immortality and always has to keep existing in some form, even if he’s reduced to a rock subsisting on grass and bugs. Anyhow, the author already has a fantastically well worked magical system with mana. It’s more intricate and consistent within itself than the magical systems created by a number of published authors I could mention.

For readers who want offbeat fantasy with clever worldbuilding, The Dungeon Pact must be hard to outclass.

One bone I do have to pick with Luneil, is that gold is not completely useless – I have a magpie like interest in precious metals and a reason that they are valued highly is that quite a lot of people do. Thinking about gold has a tranquilising effect of sorts. These supernatural beings just think they're above it all.

I think I'll have to wait for more to be able to really give a rating. I'm hoping that Luneil will get the dungeon going again and invent some grotesque monsters. That's the one thing his dungeon needed more of.

So, anyone else want to take my deal?

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#6
Greenhag,

First, as huge fan of both Dostoevsky and Tolstoy, it's nice to see something with a Slavic slant on this site. Your story telling is compelling, and the content of your dialog comes off as natural. Your wording and grammar, however, are frequently jarring. I believe your work could be significantly improved by forcing yourself to use an active voice. E.g. "His father, the King had spoken darkly," could become "His father, the King, spoke darkly." There are arguments for and against capitalizing king in that sentience, so I'll leave it for now. On the whole, I suspect going back and PR'ing your own work after a few days will reveal most of the mistakes.

You also have a heavy reliance on adjectives, many of which could simply be removed or replaced by more descriptive nouns. A great example was this sentence: "The tunnel opened into a vast cavern dominated by a small lake, the iridescent surface reflecting shimmering light onto the walls and ceiling of the cavern that gleamed with phosphorent algae." If you want to keep "phosphorent", you probably want to use "phosphorescent." If the fact that it's algae is unimportant, perhaps it "gleamed with bioluminescence." My point is not to focus on "phosphorant" versus the rest of the adjectives, rather I picked it as an example to change because it's independent usage is poor to begin with.

It's probably a bit too soon to really critique your story, but what you have falls well within an Eastern European "yarn." I will say that if there's not some action in the next few chapters, then things will have lulled a bit too long.

If I was going to do a public review, it would read as follows:
Overall: 4/5
Style: 3/5
Story: 4.5/5
Grammar: 3/5
Character: 4/5
Title: "Interesting adaptation of Anastasia"
Content: As of "Masks and Toys," the third entry to this work, I find "Prince of Destiny" to be worth following. The story introduces more magical and fantasy elements into the story of Anastasia (the film, not the historical grand duchess), and the Christian elements have been removed (so far). The characters and setting have changed, but maintain a Slavic feel (main character is male, for example).
The grammar is barely above average for RRL and could use work.

For now I consider the fiction worth following, with great hopes towards the future.
**************
Happy to post that, or not, as your first public review. Just let me know. My preference for your review of my work would be a public review, with specific writing notes/critiques placed here (e.g. discussions of voice don't really belong on the fiction page).

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#7
First then, as per your request, here are my notes, just on this thread. I will publish a review soon.

You were absolutely right about everything, but you did not focus on the mother-son relationship. I’m afraid I will have to factor that in. Notice that Alex got a longer review than he gave – it was a bonus because he did focus on the mother-son relationship.

Handyman – first three chapters:

I like how easy your story is to follow, despite handling otherworldly concepts. The grammar is above flawless and you can bet I looked for parts to nitpick. In the first chapter it jumps straight into the main action. A sense of who each character is gets conveyed smoothly. Carli’s smile can calm a charging rhino, and she is a bit unscrupulous when she needs the money. Vic’s a hothead, but we don’t know immediately that he is quite dangerous. Still, retrospectively, it made sense.

With Talo, I most appreciated the little details that get to work fleshing him out - of his poker faced humour and reminiscences of the farmer tormenting him. He’s already the best done character, which is important.

A problem though – I would have appreciated descriptions of these people being worked in somehow.

Second chapter – good thoughts on what constitutes informed consent. They are quite right – a random person on the street could never truly consent. I like how punchy the transition is. Talo moves from one level of consciousness to another and the reader can easily keep track of what’s going on; from hearing Carli in the physical realm to Talo hurtling through white space and the supernatural entity wondering whether he really did learn 7,000 languages. We can infer that Vic uploaded all the stored languages at him. Massive overdose. I think the blue pill is a Matrix reference. I appreciate that too.

Third chapter – Wow, this is deep. A universe with extra-dimensional beings. It’s fascinating that the laws of this universe are already clearly worked and that there are all these levels. A hierarchy of beings which has clearly been given a lot of thought.

OK, I've submitted the review. Has it shown up? It's often hard to tell with this site whether or not there has been some glitch or other.

By all means, publish your review of Prince of Destiny.

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#8
My review of yours is up, as requested. Quite frankly, the mother-son relationship can't, or doesn't, shine past the writing it's contained in. Trying to review that aspect now would be futile. You don't have enough written for a more meaningful engagement, and what's there is drowned out by the points I made above. I was hoping that would come through subtly in the review, and didn't want to sound mean.

At first I couldn't understand your review on my characters at all, then I realized you had actually stopped reading at chapter 2 or 3 (I presume due to the length of your work, and I'm not sure how you counted the prologue... kind of odd). In many works you encounter characters before you are introduced to them or their personal story. Indeed, I often find many RRL authors give way to much backstory on their characters far too soon (often leads to info dumps here). It also cultivates lazy reading or readers, but that's a lecture I sat through for another day.

In the specific case of Talo's mother, in no way do I want to describe her before she is engaged more in the narrative. It would disrupt the abrupt flow that seems much more appropriate with the experience of transferring worlds. Turning back on your work, it seemed like really ham-handed foreshadowing to have the witches discussing the dogs of war right before they show up. You get much more action out of having the dog barge in first and then having them part of the conversation.


'Greenhag' pid='829759' dateline='1510493578' Wrote: First then, as per your request, here are my notes, just on this thread.  I will publish a review soon.

You were absolutely right about everything, but you did not focus on the mother-son relationship.  I’m afraid I will have to factor that in.  Notice that Alex got a longer review than he gave – it was a bonus because he did focus on the mother-son relationship.

Handyman – first three chapters:

I like how easy your story is to follow, despite handling otherworldly concepts.  The grammar is above flawless and you can bet I looked for parts to nitpick.  In the first chapter it jumps straight into the main action.  A sense of who each character is gets conveyed smoothly.  Carli’s smile can calm a charging rhino, and she is a bit unscrupulous when she needs the money.  Vic’s a hothead, but we don’t know immediately that he is quite dangerous.  Still, retrospectively, it made sense.

With Talo, I most appreciated the little details that get to work fleshing him out - of his poker faced humour and reminiscences of the farmer tormenting him.  He’s already the best done character, which is important.  

A problem though – I would have appreciated descriptions of these people being worked in somehow.

Second chapter – good thoughts on what constitutes informed consent.  They are quite right – a random person on the street could never truly consent.  I like how punchy the transition is.  Talo moves from one level of consciousness to another and the reader can easily keep track of what’s going on; from hearing Carli in the physical realm to Talo hurtling through white space and the supernatural entity wondering whether he really did learn 7,000 languages.  We can infer that Vic uploaded all the stored languages at him.  Massive overdose.  I think the blue pill is a Matrix reference.  I appreciate that too.

Third chapter – Wow, this is deep.  A universe with extra-dimensional beings.  It’s fascinating that the laws of this universe are already clearly worked and that there are all these levels.  A hierarchy of beings which has clearly been given a lot of thought.

OK, I've submitted the review.  Has it shown up?  It's often hard to tell with this site whether or not there has been some glitch or other.

By all means, publish your review of Prince of Destiny.

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#11
Greenhag,

In summary.  I'm a fan of the work so far.  I like the twist on Anastasia and I find your approach to the witches' magic to be refreshing.   The three chapters you have feel wholesome and comforting, which is a big sale for the dynamic you're basing much of the work around.  I really like Lee's characterization and her motivations seem very believable.  Perhaps not subtle, but I don't think she would be subtle.  She acts much like I'd imagine a lonely recluse would in this situation and that's probably the best tell of your success with her.

There were two things that I didn't particularly like.  

The first of which is Karl.  Frankly, I think much of his dialogue could stand to be rewritten.  There were times when I would praise your writing him as a child and times when I felt you were talking through him too much.  For instance the dialogue "Mum, that's more superstitious nonsense from you," (Chapter 2) doesn't feel like it should come from a six or seven year old.  I think your delivery of non-dialogue does a good job of giving the information out, because I think you've made it more clear that you don't want to deliver the world necessarily through Karl's eyes, which is fine.

The second thing I didn't like was the pacing and organization.  I feel like your hook was "hook"y enough.  The death of Karl's family feels hollow.  He also doesn't seem to be too torn up over it either, so I don't think you're trying to explore it more.  Perhaps it can be reworked or just omitted and introduced through flashbacks or even indirectly mentioned?  Other than that, I found a bit of issue in the second chapter with the snowman subsection.  I feel like there was a missed opportunity with Karl experiencing flight for the first time, as that would've been a really awesome time to show off his childish excitement and wonder.

There were a few spelling errors but nothing that really detracted from the story.

Overall: 4.5/5
Style: 4/5
Story: 4.5/5
Grammar: 4.5/5
Character: 3/5

Also, similar to Volos, I'd prefer a public review with technical notes here.

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#12
Sorry for the delay. Here are my notes on the first three chapters for this thread. I will post an official review shortly.

I see that the world depicted is in an anime world. It is proper that you told us the relevant Japanese terminology, but perhaps you should also explain a little of what anime is, just for us novices. It’s set in a world that resembles Japan, but the characters are usually Europeans with Japanese names, right? And it has a distinctive animation style.

In chapter one, I like the point Shuji has to make about why arranged marriages are wrong, even if they are ‘convenient.’ I do feel sorry for Hanako. Being jilted is no joke. I don’t like that she attacks him like that. It has overtones of domestic abuse, the way he thinks he ‘deserves’ it. I think it should be clearer that she is wrong to batter him. If she’s smart, surely she does not suppose that she can change his mind this way?

I wonder if chapter two might be better if incorporated into chapter one? It is really about logistics and cumbersome military decoration (Lancer pin) rather than the story. I like the vignette about the photo, though. It demonstrates very concisely that Shuji was not happy in his relationship and Hanako was oblivious. I like touches like that which are about showing not telling.

I like Umeki best so far. She’s just so socially inept by any yardstick at all, let alone Japanese anime military! I like this sort of humour. You’ve pulled out all the stops. Her shockingly pink design is very anime as well. I like her presumption in forcing eye contact! It’s quite sweet the way she accepts his pep talk as well.

Edit. OK, I've done an official review. Sorry again about the wait, but real life has been hectic.

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#14
I'd be happy to, Greenhag. If you like the story, would you be able to post a review to its page?

The link is in my signature.
TheResonantWordsmith
Check out my first web novel- The Rider with the Golden Torc
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14970/the-rider-with-the-golden-torc 

My short story collection - Inside My Mind
http://royalroadl.com/fiction/17874/inside-my-mind

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#16
Hi Greenhag,


My story is completed and, including the prologue and epilogue, is only 13 chapters. If you wanted to give me feedback on my entire story, that's fine. If you only wanted to do 6 chapters to match your story's length so far, that's fine too. Whatever you're comfortable with.

If you do like the story and want to review all of it, a post on my fiction's page would be greatly appreciated.

I should be able to complete it today. Just let me know what you'd like to do, and we can do that. :)
TheResonantWordsmith
Check out my first web novel- The Rider with the Golden Torc
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14970/the-rider-with-the-golden-torc 

My short story collection - Inside My Mind
http://royalroadl.com/fiction/17874/inside-my-mind

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#17
If you have time today, then that would be great. I would be able to reciprocate by this weekend at the latest. Previously I have tried to return exactly the same length/depth/quality of feedback. The fact that my fiction is unfinished does make this a procrustean rule, though.

If you agree that it is the best way, how about you give me what feedback you think is appropriate and I give you precisely the same type of feedback.

Please bear in mind that I consider it not to be fanfiction, but the Don Bluth motifs are deliberate eg the notion that heroines must be red heads, the villain suddenly gets supernatural help, because why not? and there are realms of the dead/ underworlds within easy reach.

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#18
That sounds fair to me, and from what I've read, your story doesn't strike me as fanfic.

I'm halfway through as of right now, so if I run out of time tonight, I'll finish up tomorrow.
TheResonantWordsmith
Check out my first web novel- The Rider with the Golden Torc
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14970/the-rider-with-the-golden-torc 

My short story collection - Inside My Mind
http://royalroadl.com/fiction/17874/inside-my-mind

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#19
If the topic interests you, I have actually tried to give Karl characteristics of the last king and queen of Russia, but naturally he cannot be the same ilk as either, given he has been raised by Leevana. Feel free to comment on how well or otherwise I've done with that.

I expect you already know that the last Tsar was insular, inherited a bad system, but was raised to think that he had to take on the role of autocrat, even though he was unsuited to it. The last queen was clueless when it came to matters of state, but her preconceived notions of the monarchy were as a figurehead, like in Britain.

RE: Serious feedback exchange offer

#20
Hey Greenhag,
Here's my review, if you want me to post it on the Fiction's page, just let me know.

Having read to "Dare to Dream," I have to say that I like this story so far.

Style 3.5/5: The dialogue isn't my favorite, but it also doesn't bother me. Some lines from Karl sound like they’re coming from an older boy and then others hit the head on the nail. The author makes good use of cliffhangers, more so in later chapters.

Grammar 4/5: Nothing stuck out to me as being too bad. There are a couple sentences here and there that might be better if they were restructured but nothing major that I could see. It was actually quite easy to read.

Story 4/5: As far as the pacing is concerned, chapter one starts with a bang and the next two-three chapters are more slice of life/watching the main character grow and bond with his adoptive immortal mother. I really got into the story because I recognize the influences from history. I would like to know more about the fictional royal family, but I understand the story’s not about them. It seems like the plot is gaining momentum and the stakes are getting higher now.

Character 3.5/5: I believe the author portrays good character motivation, especially for the maternal relationship between Lee and Karl. That being said, I was hoping for a bit more character development. I know it’s early but we do see Karl age and even though he’s ten years older, he acts very similar to when the story starts.

Overall 4/5: In summary, this story has been a nice read. It’s an original tale with real world inspirations that work to good effect as the story moves on. It’s refreshingly different than what I’ve found lately on RRL and makes me want to continue reading.
TheResonantWordsmith
Check out my first web novel- The Rider with the Golden Torc
https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14970/the-rider-with-the-golden-torc 

My short story collection - Inside My Mind
http://royalroadl.com/fiction/17874/inside-my-mind