Review for a review

#1
So, I am now halfway done with my latest work and have not a single review... I believe that should change.

Here is the deal, If you review my work, I will do my best to give you a fair review as well. No need to mince your words either, tear it apart if you want to as long as you offer some advice on how to make it better.

Genre: Fantasy

page count: 203


https://royalroadl.com/fiction/13010/chain-worlds-rise-of-three

Summary:

After a horrendous winter, Erik decides to find a cause to life for together with his two friends Cara and Alaric. They join the Blackriver rebellion and begin their journey through the ranks on different paths.
Cara is being trained as a spy to infiltrate Goldhill and learn what she can without being discovered.
Alaric begins his journey as a scribe and quickly discovers a knack for strategy and troop deployment.
Erik joins the Shocktroops and ventured behind enemy lines to cause as much confusion and destruction as possible to slow down the enemy.
Three perspectives, one war and two sides which seem to be more alike than either of them realises.

RE: Review for a review

#4
I'll have a go at reading your story. I recently joined rrl (<2 months ago) and I haven't read anything yet, so yours will be my first on the site!

If you want, you can read and review mine in exchange:
http://royalroadl.com/fiction/13723/magikind

I've only been posting weekly and there's not much to read (101 pages). Also, the way I've been writing it is pretty unique. There's 6 'main' chapters and 6 'notes' atm (you'll understand once/if you start).

The unique style and lack of proper character development due to limited material may put you off but I hope you enjoy nonetheless!
Have a read of my web novel: Magikind

a sci-fi/low fantasy set in the late fifth millennia.

Proud member of Writers to the end, WriTE!

RE: Review for a review

#9
'Volos' pid='829600' dateline='1510276326' Wrote: Lukas,

If you're still game, I'd be happy to exchange reviews.

While I'm at it, you probably meant "cause to [live] for" (instead of "life") in this OP. Would you prefer a review here or on your fiction page?

Best,
Volos

Yes still game, just got back from the hospital so I got some time on my hands

RE: Review for a review

#11
Let me know if you would like me to post this on the fiction page:


Title: Multifaceted Fantasy Narrative

Overall Score 4
Style Score 2.5
Story Score 5
Grammar Score 3
Character Score 3

As of chapter 42.

This story follows three main characters that quickly begin down very separate narratives, and it would be interesting to see if or how the narratives might cross again in a future date. Each thread is interesting and compelling in its own right. Any one of the MCs might make up a lesser story normally found on RRL. Together, the three plot lines weave an engaging and novel story.

Unfortunately, the execution should be revisited. The grammar fluctuates between just average for RRL (2.5, which is fairly poor) and slightly above average (3, with slightly more chapters falling into the 3 category). It is distracting and often drives the user out of the story. Missing words, periods, and capitalization are particularly egregious.

This is compounded with the jarring transition from one narrative to another. The narrative jumps occur at chapter breaks, with many chapters not closing well or transitioning to the next. There will often be a throwaway line in one chapter that let's you know "everything is ok" with how things are panning out in the other narratives. Most of the story is written in a passive voice, which turns descriptive prose into drudgery the reader must slog through. Rather than being appropriate foils and building off each other, the separate main characters end up distracting from one another as you bounce to the next thread wondering what happened to the one you were just holding onto.

The characters themselves are interesting with intriguing developments and plot twists. If the writing itself passed well between narratives, then I think we would see an additive effect with character development, and the character score could easily jump from 3 to 4.5.

On the whole, I probably won't follow the fiction, but would be interested in rereading it if a rewrite occurred.

RE: Review for a review

#12
'Volos' pid='829909' dateline='1510717655' Wrote: Let me know if you would like me to post this on the fiction page:


Title: Multifaceted Fantasy Narrative

Overall Score 4
Style Score 2.5
Story Score 5
Grammar Score 3
Character Score 3

As of chapter 42.

This story follows three main characters that quickly begin down very separate narratives, and it would be interesting to see if or how the narratives might cross again in a future date.  Each thread is interesting and compelling in its own right.  Any one of the MCs might make up a lesser story normally found on RRL.  Together, the three plot lines weave an engaging and novel story.

Unfortunately, the execution should be revisited.  The grammar fluctuates between just average for RRL (2.5, which is fairly poor) and slightly above average (3, with slightly more chapters falling into the 3 category).  It is distracting and often drives the user out of the story.  Missing words, periods, and capitalization are particularly egregious.

This is compounded with the jarring transition from one narrative to another.  The narrative jumps occur at chapter breaks, with many chapters not closing well or transitioning to the next.  There will often be a throwaway line in one chapter that let's you know "everything is ok" with how things are panning out in the other narratives.  Most of the story is written in a passive voice, which turns descriptive prose into drudgery the reader must slog through.  Rather than being appropriate foils and building off each other, the separate main characters end up distracting from one another as you bounce to the next thread wondering what happened to the one you were just holding onto.

The characters themselves are interesting with intriguing developments and plot twists.  If the writing itself passed well between narratives, then I think we would see an additive effect with character development, and the character score could easily jump from 3 to 4.5.

On the whole, I probably won't follow the fiction, but would be interested in rereading it if a rewrite occurred.

You make good points! Feel free to post it on the fiction page. 

I will let you know once I re wrote the fiction.

RE: Review for a review

#14
Hi Lukas.

I put some comments after chapter 3. I'll go back and do the same for chap 1.

I like the story enough to keep reading. I think you need to tighten it up though.

Look for more chap comments coming soon.

If at some point you get a chance, please take a look at my story- a litrpg lite scifi adventure https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14852/space-opera

Thanks!
Tj
My first story on RRL, please give it a read and a rate:  Space Opera