Idea Bouncing - 4 chapters ready to post

#1
Hello All,

I'd like someone to read through my chapters before I post them (Not really proof-reading, more like idea-juggling?), then bounce ideas around if something looks like it should be changed.

In my first story (not on this site) I had someone to help out and they helped to keep the characters 'in character' and, even with just small comments here or there, made the story immensely better.

The last aspect of this is: if said person reads through and says 'Yep, looks good' then my confidence in posting it will be enough to, well... post it.

Currently I have:
Prologue: 3k Words
Chapter 1: 3k Words
Chapter 2: 3k Words
Chapter 2a - Interlude: 1k Words.

If anyone's interested, let me know!

Thanks everyone!

RE: Idea Bouncing - 4 chapters ready to post

#4
Thanks for sending it I have just read the prologue and chapter 1. I enjoyed the underlying plot and direction of the story. I also enjoyed the inversion of the typical gender dynamic. It is reminiscent of what it was like in the world was like in Andur's "Beyond?".  Though I think that the genius cripple     is quite getting a tad old for me it does not particularly bother me. (I read too much wuxia I <3 ATG).

There were a few grammatical errors but nothing to the determent the underlying story. The protagonist I feel to be a bit too world wise for a 6 year old; especially one that has been confined to a finite space for a his entire life. Being a genius and knowing of things are two distinctly different things and should not be conflated. I can understand that his logical reasoning and cognition are far above the status quo but his emotional development is far too high for a 6 year old. You must be careful to not make an omniscient protagonist who knows all because he is a 'genius'. 
 
The matriarch of the clan is a bitch. 

The doctor(POV prologue.) is an apathetic fuck.  (lol let me just cripple a child and ignore the scheming of matriarch then run away without caring for the bereaved mother.)

I also feel there is a distinct lack of world building. The setting is too ambiguous and the plot progresses wthout adding much about the state of the world. There is this interesting plot but it has a very weak foundation in the world it is built upon. There are a few things made clear like the functioning of the mana system and the gender dynamics of the world but no clear description of what the world actually is.

I enjoy the conditions of worth set by the world. (where might makes right. ) I also like the style of writing and its jovial nature. However it does not emphasize critical events in its tones. the gravitas of some of the events in the prologue is not made clear. like:
"Surgery only took a little under an hour.  A few minutes in I had managed to tune out the screaming child, and at one point, due to hole in his chest, he had lost the ability to breathe properly and nearly died from it.  The nurses didn't know what to think.  They had just held down a child for a doctor to cripple him by removing his mana core.

 
I turn to them as I feel the exhaustion setting in, "Thank you, he should live now."  They didn't seem too certain but I didn't want to explain the whole thing.  Partially because if I tried I  worry I may let something slip about the matriarch and doom all of us, including the child we just managed to save.
 "
It lacks a sense of urgency.

Also have I said that I hate that doctor more then the matriarch. what a lamentable character.

Note: these are only personal opinions and some of the points i have made may be undermined if they  were intentinal plot devices.

Thanks for sending them to me it was a good read :D.
My fiction.. thingymabob here