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Review for a review

#9
(10-11-17, 03:12 AM)Volos Wrote: Lukas,

If you're still game, I'd be happy to exchange reviews.

While I'm at it, you probably meant "cause to [live] for" (instead of "life") in this OP. Would you prefer a review here or on your fiction page?

Best,
Volos

Yes still game, just got back from the hospital so I got some time on my hands
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#10
Cool. I'm about to head into a boring seminar series so I'll have time to drop a review for you and update a few others. My preference is to have the review on the fiction page with any technical suggestions or critiques in thread.

My fiction: http://www.royalroadl.com/fiction/7895/handyman
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#11
Let me know if you would like me to post this on the fiction page:


Title: Multifaceted Fantasy Narrative

Overall Score 4
Style Score 2.5
Story Score 5
Grammar Score 3
Character Score 3

As of chapter 42.

This story follows three main characters that quickly begin down very separate narratives, and it would be interesting to see if or how the narratives might cross again in a future date. Each thread is interesting and compelling in its own right. Any one of the MCs might make up a lesser story normally found on RRL. Together, the three plot lines weave an engaging and novel story.

Unfortunately, the execution should be revisited. The grammar fluctuates between just average for RRL (2.5, which is fairly poor) and slightly above average (3, with slightly more chapters falling into the 3 category). It is distracting and often drives the user out of the story. Missing words, periods, and capitalization are particularly egregious.

This is compounded with the jarring transition from one narrative to another. The narrative jumps occur at chapter breaks, with many chapters not closing well or transitioning to the next. There will often be a throwaway line in one chapter that let's you know "everything is ok" with how things are panning out in the other narratives. Most of the story is written in a passive voice, which turns descriptive prose into drudgery the reader must slog through. Rather than being appropriate foils and building off each other, the separate main characters end up distracting from one another as you bounce to the next thread wondering what happened to the one you were just holding onto.

The characters themselves are interesting with intriguing developments and plot twists. If the writing itself passed well between narratives, then I think we would see an additive effect with character development, and the character score could easily jump from 3 to 4.5.

On the whole, I probably won't follow the fiction, but would be interested in rereading it if a rewrite occurred.
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#12
(15-11-17, 05:47 AM)Volos Wrote: Let me know if you would like me to post this on the fiction page:


Title: Multifaceted Fantasy Narrative

Overall Score 4
Style Score 2.5
Story Score 5
Grammar Score 3
Character Score 3

As of chapter 42.

This story follows three main characters that quickly begin down very separate narratives, and it would be interesting to see if or how the narratives might cross again in a future date.  Each thread is interesting and compelling in its own right.  Any one of the MCs might make up a lesser story normally found on RRL.  Together, the three plot lines weave an engaging and novel story.

Unfortunately, the execution should be revisited.  The grammar fluctuates between just average for RRL (2.5, which is fairly poor) and slightly above average (3, with slightly more chapters falling into the 3 category).  It is distracting and often drives the user out of the story.  Missing words, periods, and capitalization are particularly egregious.

This is compounded with the jarring transition from one narrative to another.  The narrative jumps occur at chapter breaks, with many chapters not closing well or transitioning to the next.  There will often be a throwaway line in one chapter that let's you know "everything is ok" with how things are panning out in the other narratives.  Most of the story is written in a passive voice, which turns descriptive prose into drudgery the reader must slog through.  Rather than being appropriate foils and building off each other, the separate main characters end up distracting from one another as you bounce to the next thread wondering what happened to the one you were just holding onto.

The characters themselves are interesting with intriguing developments and plot twists.  If the writing itself passed well between narratives, then I think we would see an additive effect with character development, and the character score could easily jump from 3 to 4.5.

On the whole, I probably won't follow the fiction, but would be interested in rereading it if a rewrite occurred.

You make good points! Feel free to post it on the fiction page. 

I will let you know once I re wrote the fiction.
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#13
(15-11-17, 12:25 PM)Lukas Elias Wrote: You make good points! Feel free to post it on the fiction page. 

I will let you know once I re wrote the fiction.

Posted on fiction page. I look forward to your input on my fiction.
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#14
Hi Lukas.

I put some comments after chapter 3. I'll go back and do the same for chap 1.

I like the story enough to keep reading. I think you need to tighten it up though.

Look for more chap comments coming soon.

If at some point you get a chance, please take a look at my story- a litrpg lite scifi adventure https://royalroadl.com/fiction/14852/space-opera

Thanks!
Tj
My first story on RRL, please give it a read and a rate:  Space Opera
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#15
thanks a lot! I will check out all the stories on this thread but it might take a while before I can post full reviews. I am working on the NaNoWriMo challenge and already have a long list that needs to be read!
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