Link to my page: http://royalroadl.com/fiction/14068/the-fundamentals

I'm currently at my fifth main chapter, and think I'm ready to get people's thoughts on my story so far. Be as brutally honest as you'd like! I prefer you post on this thread instead of giving a review, but if you prefer to do so, I won't stop you. 

I'll check out novels up to around their 75th page (The approximate length of my novel if you skip the interludes, which are optional due to not advancing the plot). If you want me to post a review instead of a reply on this thread, just let me know. No guarantee on quality, however! This will be my first time making reviews, but I'll try my best to offer something passable.

Hello,

I'll review swap you. I'll get to it tomorrow. Here's the link to my fiction page: http://royalroadl.com/fiction/15005/mimi-o-saku

I'd prefer the review on the fiction page, with any technical notes here.

Thanks!

I've left some comments that nitpick on minor errors, and it looks like you handled them pretty quickly. If you'd like me to remove the comments now that they've become redundant, let me know.

As for the novel itself, there isn't much I can offer that the other reviews haven't covered already. I can still give you my overall impression, though!

What you have so far is very reminiscent of the Japanese LN style. It's familiar and, in my opinion, done well. There's enough detail when appropriate, and I can imagine the scenes pretty easily. Characters are distinct from one another too. However, if there's one thing that keeps me from giving a rating of any higher than 4 stars, it's the fact that there doesn't seem to be anything that makes the novel stand out from the rest. I'm no expert and can't recall all the details on a whim, forgive me on that, but what we have so far in the novel's young state feels like it could be found in many other Japanese LNs.

That isn't to say we can't have anything outstanding here, nor is it a bad novel at all. You've got smooth delivery, quick characterization, and managed to establish what your universe is all about in just a few chapters. All you need now is something unique, otherwise I would describe the novel as 'comfort food': it's more of the same, but enjoyable nonetheless.

My review on the page would go something like that. If you'd like me to post that and hand a rating (4 stars) to you, let me know.

Hi Renascent. I would like a review on the page as well as for you to remove the comments. I thought about deleting them after I made the fix but I thought it was better to not until I had the chance to contact you. Sorry for the lateness of my own review, I promise I will get to it.

Thanks for taking the time to read my work. And I'm hoping that you'll stick with Mimi O Saku in the coming chapters as I'm hoping to step things up soon. Thanks again!

I'm interested in a review swap :D

let me know.

Here's the link to my story: http://www.royalroadl.com/fiction/14999/all-of-the-angels

Alright Renascent,

This is my impression as of finishing chapter 4.

I'll start with what I liked. Firstly and foremost is the side characters. I find Jin's whimsical nature to be refreshing to offset Rowan's serious tones and narration. I enjoyed Magmoor's odd formalities (the introduction and apologies) and would have really loved to see him in a context other than just a fight, to get a bit more about him. But, that's not to say I disagree with the fight scene itself, I'm just hoping that in the future there will be more of him. Because the two characters we've encountered most (to this point) are Rowan and Jin hitting the more reasonable characters like Voltaire and Ming was a nice reprieve from the "Odd Couple" nature of a lot of the narrative. I also liked the world and weirdly enough the weather is a big thing I liked about it. The idea of a static sun and moon is pretty interesting to me. Also, I felt you did a good job of making a believable "mixing pot" of different cultures and technologies.

My main grip with this story is Rowan. I don't find him very likable. Which isn't always a problem, but my not liking him doesn't seem intentional on your part. A lot of it stems from how strong he is, which I get is a cornerstone of the story but bear with me. I feel like, for challenges of mastering the fundamentals he never feels...challenged. He passed the trial of might almost trivially. Yes, he had to use his stores of divine energy, but it never felt like he was going to struggle so his inevitable victory felt hollow. If this story is eventually going to be members of Regis going around fixing problems then this is probably fine. But based on how the summary seems to imply that the story will be about training, his training shouldn't be so trivial.

The delivery itself could also use some work. I feel like this also contributes to my disliking Rowan. You have good overall grammar and superb word choice but there are definite areas that could stand to be more concise and some variance in your sentence structure would help out a lot. Chapter 4 was better about this with exclamations. But, Chapter 2 felt monotonous. It was long sentence after long sentence and it gave a feeling of the narrative dragging. One last thing, and this is minor, I'm not a fan of so many EXACT measurements. It feels inorganic coming from someone who's of a medieval origin and breaks my immersion every time I came across it. Which is a bit nitpicky, but again, it's a minor problem.

In general, I feel like the delivery could stand a good boost of emotion. You've crafted a strong supporting cast and have a good world. If Rowan was a more empathetic character I feel like this would be elevated to a great story.

Let me know if you want more specifics!

My first feedback (wow, I'm nervous)!

Oh man, the characters and the setting were the primary aspects of my story I was so concerned about. Really glad to hear that you liked them! Really gives me a confidence boost on that front!

Ah, the exact measurements. I'd like to say it draws inspiration from Xianxia novels, but I've only read IET's (I Eat Tomatoes) work, so I can't say for sure. Rowan may come from a universe with a medieval thematic, but it is still a cultivation based one. It may alienate readers, but I'll keep the style going for a bit, see what the reception is from even more people.

The Xianxia style is also what made me create Rowan's character as, to quote you, 'unlikable.' It's very much intended, as it gives me a lot of room for improving his character over the course of the story. I feel like there's going to be a pay-off on this front in the future, but that's a ways away.

The training indeed! Can't tell if it was a bit cryptic, but the reason why he passed the Fundamental of Might so quickly was because he was already very far along that front; Xianxia fighters tend to be kinda overpowered and ridiculous in these areas. Just a little something extra to bump him up to Regis' standard and he would be done! The confidence boost he had at the end of chapter 3 was meant to foreshadow his struggles in learning the rest of the Fundamentals, at which point I would slow things down a bit as he would be learning entirely new, foreign topics. However, if getting that point across to readers is too muddled and vague, then I'll have to consider doing a once-over.

Chapter 2's long sentences and lack of variance. Either this was me trying again to emulate Xianxia/IET's method of writing, or me still improving myself, since you mentioned it got better in chapter 4. Or both. I'll try to keep my eye out for these issues as I continue along.

Thank you once again for helping me out, both with giving me my first actual feedback as well as pointing out that one, horribly embarrassing mistake on chapter 1!

@Cassidy_Lilly

There were comments I left behind on some of your chapters on minor details. Let me know if you want them deleted!

I'm treading through lots of unfamiliar territory here, so I don't have much in the way of technical details that I'm confident are accurate and inarguable. For instance, I would have liked to remark on the numerous amount of short sentences and paragraphs that pervade the entirety of the story, but it's a stylistic choice and doesn't seem to bother anyone. There's also the four characters we get introduced to at the beginning with an incredibly sparing amount of backstory and details, with more given to readers through later chapters but still leaves them wanting. However, it's quite likely that we'll be able to piece it all together with the addition of future chapters, so that point is moot.

A personal gripe here. I felt misled by the synopsis, as I had expected a classic war between 'the forces above and below'. Instead, it turns out the crisis is being resolved in a game style environment. The premise is fine! It's just that, once again, I merely felt misled by the synopsis into thinking I would get something else.

What looks like a plothole. In chapter 9, Lexi flings a drawer to the ground and creates footprints in the dirt in order to draw the enemies' attention away. However, she cannot make any sound nor interact with people, which transitions into the next chapter of Poppy going on a vengeful crusade for her missing friend. If Lexi could manipulate her surroundings, why didn't she do that in order to communicate with Poppy instead?

The characters. Poppy and Lexi are fairly fleshed out as the one who doesn't mind killing and the one who does, respectively. Poppy's comparison of Lexi to her caring older sister is a good reason for her to be so protective of Lexi, but their disparity in willingness to kill is... confusing to me. They both had abused backgrounds, but one was willing to (presumably) kill while the other resorted to just lashing out a bit with a mere screwdriver. It just feels a little jarring to see Poppy being younger than Lexi, probably lived a better life too, yet still so lethally inclined.

It's good to see that you don't go into detail for characters that aren't intended to live for very long, but it also highlights the issue I mentioned at the start. I want to know more about the cast! I want characters that I care about whether or not they get injured or die, especially in a dangerous environment like this; it creates pressure and a sense of urgency all on its own! Again, it's probably just because of my unfamiliarity with the style, but spreading out the details in small packets about the main characters' background stories across chapters isn't helping me build up any compassion towards them. Info dumps and flashbacks may have garnered a bad reputation, but I feel as though there is a time and a place for them.

Sorry if I seemed overtly crude here! I cannot overstress the fact that I am not used to both this style of writing and the subject matter at hand. Not only that, but the novel is still young as well. Everything I said, take it with a grain of salt. To sum up my thoughts, the characterization and delivery could use some work, but your universe and universe establishment are pretty good!

I'd give it a 3.5, let me know if you'd like a rating/review!

Thanks for the feedback.  Definitely, think my style won't suit every reader.  I loathe info dumps and flashbacks in books and never use them in my writing.  I try much harder to convey character through dialogue and the way the individuals react to their environment.  

In turn, that leads to them slowly being fleshed out - as you've noticed :P 

I'll definitely keep what you've said in mind, though.  I try my best to give life to minor secondary characters, but it's always tricky with the first-person style - unless I perspective hop.  

Thanks for giving me some food for thought.  

Also, I'll ask that you hold off on that review.  

Will have a look at your story first thing in the morning!  Getting off for bed now. Again, big thank you.  

'Renascent' pid='830558' dateline='1511928612' Wrote: @Cassidy_Lilly

There were comments I left behind on some of your chapters on minor details. Let me know if you want them deleted!

I'm treading through lots of unfamiliar territory here, so I don't have much in the way of technical details that I'm confident are accurate and inarguable. For instance, I would have liked to remark on the numerous amount of short sentences and paragraphs that pervade the entirety of the story, but it's a stylistic choice and doesn't seem to bother anyone. There's also the four characters we get introduced to at the beginning with an incredibly sparing amount of backstory and details, with more given to readers through later chapters but still leaves them wanting. However, it's quite likely that we'll be able to piece it all together with the addition of future chapters, so that point is moot.

A personal gripe here. I felt misled by the synopsis, as I had expected a classic war between 'the forces above and below'. Instead, it turns out the crisis is being resolved in a game style environment. The premise is fine! It's just that, once again, I merely felt misled by the synopsis into thinking I would get something else.

What looks like a plothole. In chapter 9, Lexi flings a drawer to the ground and creates footprints in the dirt in order to draw the enemies' attention away. However, she cannot make any sound nor interact with people, which transitions into the next chapter of Poppy going on a vengeful crusade for her missing friend. If Lexi could manipulate her surroundings, why didn't she do that in order to communicate with Poppy instead?

The characters. Poppy and Lexi are fairly fleshed out as the one who doesn't mind killing and the one who does, respectively. Poppy's comparison of Lexi to her caring older sister is a good reason for her to be so protective of Lexi, but their disparity in willingness to kill is... confusing to me. They both had abused backgrounds, but one was willing to (presumably) kill while the other resorted to just lashing out a bit with a mere screwdriver. It just feels a little jarring to see Poppy being younger than Lexi, probably lived a better life too, yet still so lethally inclined.

It's good to see that you don't go into detail for characters that aren't intended to live for very long, but it also highlights the issue I mentioned at the start. I want to know more about the cast! I want characters that I care about whether or not they get injured or die, especially in a dangerous environment like this; it creates pressure and a sense of urgency all on its own! Again, it's probably just because of my unfamiliarity with the style, but spreading out the details in small packets about the main characters' background stories across chapters isn't helping me build up any compassion towards them. Info dumps and flashbacks may have garnered a bad reputation, but I feel as though there is a time and a place for them.

Sorry if I seemed overtly crude here! I cannot overstress the fact that I am not used to both this style of writing and the subject matter at hand. Not only that, but the novel is still young as well. Everything I said, take it with a grain of salt. To sum up my thoughts, the characterization and delivery could use some work, but your universe and universe establishment are pretty good!

I'd give it a 3.5, let me know if you'd like a rating/review!

Hey there @renascant

I gave your story a read through. My initial thought was to comment on minor grammar and punctuation bits like you had for me, but I found so many that I think using an app like 'Grammarly' might be more beneficial.

I think you have a good idea going on. However, the sentences are far too long and have so much information in them that the reader is forced to go over them twice, maybe three times, to grasp the meaning. It might be helpful to read the words out loud and imagine them sounding over in a reader's head.

At this stage, my recommendation is maybe trying a critique circle or looking into the editing process. I feel like a lot of the writing here has been done in one session and then simply pasted over. Editing will help to cut down the information by maybe a good 20 - 25%. This will let the real story shine.

(Edit: Check out the 'Volos' review thread. He is great with a quick response time and detailed feedback.)

You can get some ideas for dialogue from the top stories on the site. Those authors have a good grasp of what works and what doesn't. Right now, there's a lot of onomatopeia happening, which doesn't help much in building up the characters or telling us what's at stake in the scene. And later on, the dialogue serves as a telling device to teach us about the world. Again, the characters are being used as tools.

I do think when you work through these mechanics, you'll have a great story on your hands. I'll be willing to have another look through at that stage. As while I do want to help as much as I can, I'm not sure I can give a fair rating at this point in time.

I'll give you some feedback. I started this yesterday and then Windows Update restarted my computer and wiped everything I'd typed. :/ Anyways, let me try again.



First off, the story page, because people do judge a book by it's cover, even if it's just an impression of the care that's gone into crafting it.

Please get yourself an image! If you don't want to just grab one off google (I don't like doing it myself, because I'm picky about copyright) there are sites with CC0 or public domain images you can use worry-free; wikipedia has a whole page dedicated to listing them. Even just a stock photo would be more attractive than the gray box.

Also, the summary. I'd suggest you switch the last two paragraphs with the first two, or even consider just cutting the top two paragraphs. The first two don't actually tell me much about the details of the story, like who the MC is or what he's doing. The last two do, but if I'd opened this story from the front page, I'm not sure I'd have made it down to reading them; I'd have skimmed the first paragraph, decided it was mostly flavor text, and closed the tab, because I have a short attention span like that. If you like the flavor text, maybe put it at the bottom, and put the bit of the summary that actually summarizes part of the story at the top, so readers like me are immediately presented with concrete details.

On to the story...

Jumping right into the narrative? Good, I like that. None of this meandering prologue stuff.

Your grammar is totally readable, but I think your descriptions of people and places are a bit long at times. Like how you describe Jin's outfit in exacting detail; it feels kinda overboard. I'd suggest trying to stylize them a bit more. Maybe something like 'he looked like a sage, wearing a purple and yellow yin-yang mask, and his robes were divided into black and white down the center.' Weirdly enough, long and detailed descriptions can make it harder for me to actually picture things, because I tend to skim them.

How does he decide these people are mortals? Jin can teleport, which suggest some level of power, even if it's not 'cultivation'. I'd expect that to raise a few flags. Also, if he's so serious about getting back home, why go with Jin? His motivations seem a bit weak here, or they're changing a bit fast.

Some of your paragraphs seem overly long, like his 'Instead, he began to plan on how to return home.' one. I'd suggest trying to break up stuff like that, to try and focus the flow of the narrative. Most of them are pretty good, but every so often a real whopper gets thrown in.

The 'take him up on his offer' scene seems pretty strange. After reading the rest... I'm guessing Jin sent a message to Avy to meet them or something? That's just a guess, though.

I did like the twist, with the surprise power level stuff. That was neat.

The interlude was interesting. This story seems to have a pretty strong focus on exploration, and I like that; especially cultural exploration.

He seems to believe Ming and Jin pretty easily, and just goes with the flow quite fast, especially when Ming drains him of his cultivation. I'd expect him to put up a lot more resistance to that, especially since the only thing he's been shown to convince him they understand what they're doing is a ball of light he couldn't sense. Maybe demonstrating that he'll be able to restore his cultivation afterwards (as he seemingly does in minutes) would help with that?

The second interlude was less interesting to me. We already have a pretty good idea of how the training works from Jin's explanation, I don't think there's a whole lot that's fresh here, except possibly the moth/spider races. Exploring the world is good, but if you're cutting away from the main plot, showing something that's not already pretty much covered in the main story would make things feel fresher, I think.

That fight with Magmoor... it was well enough written, but I didn't feel like there were actually any stakes to it, so it didn't feel very compelling to me. Eh, it was fun I guess?

I don't think I like MEKKOR's attitude much with the techno-scroll. Challenging someone with a difficult task is one thing, but throwing them directly into a trial without any warning is a bit of a dick move. At least tell him he's gonna have a headache, even if he ignores it. Avy's comment in the next chapter about depth of information might fit well there, or at the beginning of the next chapter, and also foreshadow their personality clash a bit.

Wow, Regis is important enough they have unlimited credit? What exactly is their standing in this world, and what do they really gain by inviting Rowan? Jin seems like a pretty whimsical guy, but is he allowed to just casually include someone in this group, without having a plan for what they'll contribute? Seems a bit convenient, I guess.

And there's that clash... it feels kinda out-of-the-blue. I somewhat expected Rowan's teachers to show a more professional attitude after Ming, I guess, but Avy's got quite the chip on her shoulder. Jin's talk with rune-guy helped explain that a bit, but I'd have liked to see it come in before we see Avy and Rowan not getting along, so we'd have some idea that Avy's got some learning to do, too. Looking back, I guess this was suggested slightly in the first chapter? I'd mostly forgotten about that conversation by the time I reached here, though.

Jin's attitude towards science seems a little out of character, as well. He's willing to put in a bajillion years training his body, but gives up on his mind after a few minutes of math, despite basically doing whatever he's told up until now? I dunno, it feels a bit weak. His not realizing that math is fundamental to science explains that somewhat, but having it not come in until now feels kinda weak in a different way; he's willing to go along with this without getting an overview like Jin and Ming gave, but once he gets it he's fine... which raises the question: why didn't he get an overview of science like he got for physical fitness? That just seems like a different sort of oversight, in its own way.

Alright, enough on the specifics, there's a bit of a bigger problem here.

What exactly is driving this story?

The story is heavy on exploration, which I enjoy. But I feel like the character motivations are, in general, weak. Part of that is that I don't really feel like there's much overarching plot, no real driving force behind this. There's some ideas tossed around with 'possibly protecting your world' and 'immortality', but neither of those things feel very urgent or immediate. Jin's just kinda going along with it, and most of the conflict that's been generated so far seems to show up on the scene-level and is resolved just as fast. I think you'd do well to add some sort of driving force for Rowan pretty soon, so what he does feels more compelling and cohesive. Give the guy some emotional goals to shoot for, I guess, make the conflict less 'this one fight' or 'this one argument'.

Like, what will his responsibilities be after he acquires the fundamentals? What does Regis actually do, to deserve their high standing? How's he going to contribute to that? So far, this feels more like slice-of-life pacing with the trappings of an action story. I'm enjoying it, but I'm not super invested in it. Well, I kinda do this with my own stories. It's one of my problems when writing without a high-concept, I think. Unfortunately, I don't tend to get a whole lot done when I try for high-concept stories.



And that's all I've got. Hopefully I didn't forget anything important from my lost draft. I apologize if this came across as harsh; that's not my intent, but I can be bad at moderating my tone at times. If you feel I'm being unfair, or you'd like me to expand on something I've said, let me know.

If you'd like to leave some thoughts on my own story, the link is in my sig. I'm not big on revising, but I try to incorporate all feedback into continued work. It started as a NaNoWriMo piece, too, so I'm sure it's got plenty of issues to poke at.

@Cassidy_Lilly

Could I get an example on a grammar/punctuation error I committed? Issues that are obvious to you are not so obvious to me, I'd appreciate your help with enlightening me on that. There's also the comments I still need to know if you'd like removed or not, now that they've become redundant.

@Not_A_Hat

Thanks for the (extra) lengthy input!

About the character motivations. For Rowan, it's meant to parody the typical Xianxia character. They care about their family and friends, but it sometimes feels like an afterthought when they seek to cultivate strength. I'm probably banking a little too hard on people already being familiar with that trope though, feels like it may alienate readers. For the rest, it does get kind of slice-of-lifey, but I hoped that that would come across as intentional; when living an eternity without any imminent danger to worry about, you'll need a way to not grow bored of life so you won't become suicidal or insane, no?

What I get from this is that I still need to work on delivery. If readers didn't get that the founders of Regis created their hub world and allowed ordinary folk to migrate in, then that's a big red flag for me, yeah? I was also hoping to get the intent across that Rowan's willingness to comply with Ming's procedures came from knowing that if he were to be tortured or even killed, there was no reason to make him lower his guard, as he knew he was comparatively powerless anyways given chapter 1's demonstration. If that wasn't clear enough, I'll need to work on that.

Aw man, I was planning on sticking with the default cover! I always did hold sentimental value to default setups. But then again, if it helps ease the pain for some readers, I'll try and find something fitting. I did manage to cobble together a choppy image in photoshop, but hopefully I can discover a better one.

Thanks again for your feedback! I'll return the favor and check out your story, but it'll be a while with that length.

Hi! I’m currently at work at the moment, but I have your fiction page on a separate tab ready. I’ll let you know what I think! :)

As for reviewing my story, I won’t be upset if you don’t lol. Mainly because I’m really shy about asking for feedback. Plus I know my story isn’t everybody’s cup of tea (vulgar language, violence, *very few* sexually explicit scenes, first person POV). So if that’s not your thing, no worries. If it is, link is in signature.

Annnnd we're back with a review for your story! :D

Pros:

Grammar: There are very few mistakes in your writing. The only mistakes I really noticed was mainly related to format (like in the first chapter when they were using telepathy). Other than that, your grammar is very good.

Characters: More specifically, the supporting cast. While Rowan's character leaves much to be desired, everyone else seems to be nicely fleshed out--even hints of backstory surfacing with some of them. They all display unique personalities that makes me interested in learning more about them. They all seem very happy-go-lucky, but a part of me can't help but wonder if there's some ulterior motive to them just willingly letting outsiders train with them. Are they actually being nice, or is this a front for some kind of diabolical plan? I'd like to see how this plays out!

World: I LOVE this concept you have going with the world and the different anthropomorphic creatures roaming it. It succeeded in making me want to learn more about this realm, which is actually a lot harder to do in the fantasy genre than you think. 9/10 times, fantasy stories take place in some fictional land with its own lore, language, rules, and inhabitants. World building is absolutely essential in this genre and you seem to have a pretty good start on that so far. Perhaps in one of the later interludes, you can include something involving the realm's history? Doesn't have to be an info dump or anything; just some tidbit that will help the readers get a better idea of how things work in this place. :)

Cons:

Wordiness: As a few other people have stated, some of your descriptions are kind of long-winded at times. Don't feel bad about this, though! A lot of writers have this problem at times (I used to be AWFUL about it back in my fan-fiction writing days. College kind of hammered it into my head that brevity is the key to all writing. I'd like to think I got better about it, but then again old habits die hard :^D). Try practicing brevity. If you write a sentence that seems much too long, either try shortening it by cutting off some of the excess fat (or filler), or just breaking it up into multiple sentences. This can be an extremely tedious task, but it will ultimately help improve the flow of your writing.

The Magmoor Fight: Not a major con or anything; I just have a few gripes about it is all. On one hand, it's refreshing for a great, ancient being such as Magmoor to display a unique personality that's more than just "BACK IN MUH DAY...". On the other hand, the banter between him and Roman felt too...casual. I realize that this was probably intentional considering how informal most of the people in this realm seem to be, but it felt more like I was reading about two buddies boxing together instead of this powerful creature attempting to overpower our hero. Also, Magmoor driving home the point that Roman wasn't as powerful as the others only for him to turn around and swoon over how powerful he was felt...strange lol.

MC: As of right now, I find myself seconding tooTimid's view of Rowan. However, I won't let him be a deal-breaker for me for two reasons. One, you're only five chapters in. It's still way too early to make any final judgments on him. Now if you were 30 or more chapters in and the only noticeable change in him was his power level, then I'd have some major problems trying to maintain interest in the story. Two, you've already mentioned that he's basically a parody of the overly stoic Xianxia protagonist type. And, when reading the first chapter with this trivia in mind, I can appreciate the subtle satirical tones. Here you have Jin and his friends cracking up, laughing, living life to the fullest--all while being incredibly OP and not making it out like their identities completely rely on how strong they are. And then there's Rowan...who, staying true to the stereotypical Xianxia style of character writing, seems almost obsessed with his powers and the powers of others. When comparing them, it does a great job of making the reader sit back for a moment and think to themselves, "Wow. Are all Xianxia MCs this boring?" This is the point of satire, and I say you did a fine job at it. However, even though Rowan's lack of personality is intentional, that doesn't mean he shouldn't develop on an emotional level at some point in time. Turn him from a caricature into a three-dimensional character, you know?


Overall Rating:

Your story is good, though it can use a little work at certain points. You have plenty of time to do this since it's still very early in the story. So far, I'd give it either a 3.5 or 4.0.

I'm game. I'll give a shot at working through your side story information as well, if you'll give a shot at finishing mine. That said, don't force yourself to read it if you're not enjoying it, and I'll do the same. There's nothing quite like having to read something you're hating.

My fiction:

http://www.royalroadl.com/fiction/7895/handyman

@Not_A_Hat

Hey! Sorry for being so late. I've finally gotten around to giving some feedback, if you still want it.

Nice cover! The hand drawn visuals are simple, yet endearing.

A welcoming synopsis! It's basically a short summary of chapter 1, but it allows readers a smooth transition into the story should they choose to peruse it beforehand. Well done. It's something I'm gonna keep in mind myself when I try writing another synopsis.

For some things I've taken notice of:
Ch. 5 - Loved the hermit crab interaction! Messing around with the system like that put a smile on my face.

Ch. 11 - Things just got a lot more complicated. The world's system can vary drastically based on local culture and historical development? Very interesting, but sets up a daunting task to keep it all consistent.

Ch. 12 - Party 'ding'? Hasn't he already gone dungeon diving with a group before? Possible historical development plothole, as I thought they would have discovered the ins-and-outs of a party system already.

Ch. 13 - "It even activates the same neurons." How did they know about neurons? Isn't that a late scientific discovery? Blueprints as well, to a lesser extent. You've mentioned in an author's note that "the tech in this world will be up and down and all over", but unless you intended for biological knowledge on the microscopic level to be a thing, the concept of neurons should probably be replaced with something else.

Overall, this is a unique and interesting LitRPG world you're setting this up to be! There were a lot of typos throughout the story, but it's understandable due to the fact that this is for NaNoWriMo. If it weren't for it being a NaNoWriMo, I would have given this 4 stars, bordering on 3.5. I'd give this a 4.5 stars out of respect for the potential it has if polished to a sheen!

My review if you'd like it (Simple review, since volume 1 isn't complete yet):

4.5 stars
'A LitRPG with a unique system'

Written as of ch. 13.

As mentioned in the novel's synopsis, this is a NaNoWriMo entry, so it's got a number of typos scattered here and there, many of which have been fixed already. Aside from that, the premise is compelling amongst LitRPGs. The system is different from the usual; concepts like Deftness and Growth are used instead of static variables, and [Spoiler tag thing] they follow different rules depending on the wielder's interpretation. Their historical backgrounds can lead to different stats and attributes. [End spoiler tag thing]

It can get difficult to keep track of the intricacies of the stat/attribute system, but thankfully, it doesn't seem to be necessary to appreciate the main driving force at present. Conquering the land! It would appear that the novel is building up a war type scenario, and that would be pretty exciting to see.

For a NaNoWriMo project, this is a job well done.

If it's not too much work, I'd love it if you could take a look at mine (see signiture).  A review on the novel itself would be best, although a reply will be fine to.  Thank you so so much for your help!