A little help please.

#1
Hey,

I've been thinking about writing a story for quite a long time and I finally decided to do it.
Since i wanted to write it in English it took me a quite a long time to get a prologue i was happy with.

The problem is that i don't know if it is good or not. 
That is why i decided to post a small part of it here in the forum and ask people to review it.

I would like to know if 

- The grammar didn't obstruct the reading experience
- If this prologie managed to catch your interest
- The mistakes i made or things i could have done better (writing wise)

Thank you very much for your time and patience.

PROLOGUE DOWN BELOW 



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I look out from behind this towers window to the scenery that can be seen at this time of night. 

The dark blue sky littered with stars is the first thing that catches my eye. Sometimes I wonder what the stars are doing when they are not out twinkling in the night sky. Perhaps the stars are shy and only twinkle when we are asleep. That would be slightly ironic considering how much attention they draw to themselves. 

‘Maybe they’re afraid of the sun?’ I hear from behind me.

I fall silent for a moment.

That isn’t that crazy of a thought, but I’d rather say that instead of the stars being afraid of the sun, they are trying to compete with it. While the sun shines it impressive rays in the day, the stars come together at night to compete with their one big rival, the sun. Of course, they lose every night. But still, they try again and again every night to at least come close to the amount of light the sun gives off. No matter what happens, through rain and ... sunshine, they will never give up.

‘And what about the moon, doesn’t the moon shine too?’ I hear again.

I stop staring at the stars and look at the crescent moon.

In our profession, we often had to do things while basking in its light or hiding in its shadow. By now it must know of all our darkest secrets, and yet it has never talked. They say a friend is someone who hasn’t betrayed you yet. Does that mean the moon is our friend? ...  I don’t think so, but it clearly isn’t our enemy either or else we wouldn't be here. If I see someone who isn’t my friend nor my enemy I usually don't really care about them. I think the same thing applies to the moon. It doesn’t really care for us in particular, it doesn't for anyone. It just shines because it wants to shine.

‘But what about you.’

....What about me?

‘You have friends and enemies, but you don’t particularly care for anyone either. What are you then.’

For the first time during this conversation, I took a look at who I have been talking to. If I were to describe it; a cloud of smoke with a chain attached to it leading to my heart. This is my curse, Estrella.
 

RE: A little help please.

#2
Hi! From your name, I'm guessing you are French?

I enjoyed reading your prologue. You're very poetic! I enjoy the introspective look of the main character. The way you imply the main character's backstory, profession, and even the things that are important to them (betrayal and friendship) just through talking about the moon was very well done.

I only have minor critiques to give. First is that, since the entire prologue is written in first person, the italic sentences are not necessary. Usually italics are meant to imply a 'different voice'. Some authors use it for thoughts, some authors use it for when the character is reading. I can't identify what your italicized text means. It's actually a bit distracting because it makes the reader stop and try to think about why the text is in italic, rather than having them focus on the actual words.

Second is only about a minor grammar issue. In the first line, "towers" needs an apostrophe ' to signify ownership. "I look out from behind this tower's window to the scenery that can be seen at this time of night. "

The lines all flow very easily and elegantly. Actually, there aren't any other clear grammatical errors that I can see. The wording is unusual for a native English speaker but it has a nice sound to it, so personally I don't mind.

Good work!

RE: A little help please.

#3
Thank you for the review,

I use the italic sentences to imply that the character is actually doing something like, in this prologue, looking someone in the eye or staying silent.

I did this because i wanted to clearly differentiate between action and thought because the main character his thoughts are not only to himself.

Now that i look at it again i do notice that i made a mistake with this. Since the main character never even talked, to begin with, the "I fall silent for a moment." is pretty weird.

I will experiment a little with other ways to imply action or find a way to make sure nobody will misunderstand.

Again, thank you for your time.

p.s. 

I'm from the Netherlands but my parents are from Morocco. So you made a pretty good guess.

RE: A little help please.

#4
In first person perspective stories, usually the only things in italics are words (or phrases) of emphasis. Nothing else.
I'm probably going to reword a whole lot here, What I'm going to attempt to do is take out the 'story telling' and instead turn it into an 'experience' :P


Edited:
Behind the tower's window, stars littered the dark blue sky.

What are the stars doing when they are not out twinkling in the night sky? Perhaps they are are shy and only twinkle when we are asleep. That would be ironic considering how much attention they draw to themselves.

‘Maybe they’re afraid of the sun?’

That isn’t that crazy of a thought, but I’d rather think the stars are trying to compete with it. While the sun shines its impressive rays in the day, the stars come together at night to compete with their one big rival, the sun. Of course, they lose every night. But still, they try again and again every night to at least come close to the amount of light the sun gives off. No matter what happens, through rain and ... sunshine, they will never give up.

‘And what about the moon, doesn’t the moon shine too?’

I glance at the crescent moon.

In our profession, we often had to do things while basking in the moon's light or hiding in its shadow. By now it must know all our darkest secrets, and yet it has never talked. They say a friend is someone who hasn’t betrayed you yet. Does that mean the moon is our friend? ... I don’t think so, but it clearly isn’t our enemy either or else we wouldn't be here. If I see someone who isn’t my friend nor my enemy I usually don't really care about them. I think the same thing applies to the moon. It doesn’t really care for us in particular, it doesn't for anyone. It just shines because it wants to shine.

‘But what about you.’

...What about me?

‘You have friends and enemies, but you don’t particularly care for anyone either. What are you then.’

For the first time during this conversation, I look at who I've been talking to. The cloud of smoke shifts to the side, rattling the chain connecting our hearts.

I don't know how to answer that question, because of my curse, Estrella.
Edit end:


Okay, I think I made the ending worse, but I feel that question should be addressed in some way (because it feels unfinished for me if it isn't).
Is the perspective character actually talking? Or is she thinking and the cloud of smoke can just hear thoughts? *Curious*

RE: A little help please.

#5
Hi,

I would take a look at the opening paragraph. It may be the style you are comfortable with, but my style wants a stronger opening.

Is there a reason the main character is on the other side of the tower wall? Is he literally or figuratively a prisoner?


Not to be mean, but the stars were twinkling as I got out of my car last night. So were the neighbor's Christmas lights. Same as the night before and probably the same tonight. For the main character, what is special about the stars this night?

I get the sense there is something more dramatic or important about the stars or sky, think about giving us a stronger hook.

Just a stray thought, fwiw.
My first story on RRL, please give it a read and a rate:  Space Opera