Hello everyone,

With a little bit more free time on my hand since the conclusion of my examinations last week, I decided to heed the clarion call of many new authors out there and offer my humble services in the review business here on RRL! 

My focus is mainly on new authors who have posted 10 chapters or less, but if you badly need a review (just like myself even though I've already posted over 60 chapters lmao) , just feel free to post the link to your story here! I'll take a look and if I'm really hooked onto your story, regardless of length, I'll try to give a good review when I get a reasonable feel of your story.

I'm generally fine with most genres, though I'm more inclined towards fantasy. Nonetheless, I believe a good story is interesting regardless of genre, so if you think you're up for the challenge, have the courage to be an advocate for your story here!

Doing a review swap for my first and only story is optional, but I highly encourage (or should I say implore) you to do so. A gentle warning though, my story's gone on for pretty long already so if you're put off by its length I can totally relate to your feelings.

Wishing everyone happy reading and writing ahead!

Best Regards,
Movenpick

Read a bit of your story (prologue and chapter 1) here are some of my thoughts:

Kai talks about the zion academy being so big. how big is it? 10 stories? 1000 stories? You should add a point of reference.

""Guardian spirit?" Kai enquired. "Yeah, you heard me right, this Academy has a guardian spirit by the name Terran, you'll see it sooner or later. Now off you go, aren't you running late?" the guard replied impatiently."

seperate the guard reply and add "guard replied" sooner otherwise at first it seems Kai is continuing to talk.

So that is the nitpicky stuff out of the way just to point out that the style can use some work.
The grammar I don't give two shits about unless it borders on incomprehensable (and yours deffo doesnt) as I think what matters is engaging story/characters. With that said...

tone down the exposition. As soon as the headmaster walked on stage I saw waht was coming from a mile away. and you even say yourself that he "drone on about".
I understand that headmaster adressing the students is a classic chancce for an infodump but it really hurts your reader interest.
Even if your main focus in your story is on on setting and you are eager to introduce your personal twist to the magical school. I am simply not ready to care about such specifics of your setting and my focus slips, I start skimming through it. 

And even the dialogue between kids about titan slayers is just more clumsy exposition. 
For example either:
1.Titan Slayers are so popular that everyone knows about them, but then it makes no point for kids to say what they already know to each other
2. Not everyone knows about Titan Slayers and then you can have one kid give a passionate nerdy speech to his friends about specifics of this group and how they are so awesome and cool to the point of annoyance.

Option two sounds better and more realistic, you still do the minor infodump and you have a basis for a secondary character with a passion.

If we compare to Harry Potter Dumbledor also had a chance for a long speech about everything that will be tought in the school and history of hogwards, but he kept just said a few words, four of them were jibberish. 
And true some of the infodumping was done by Mcgonagall, but the deal about the four houses and the sorting hat instantly direclty impacted out main protagonist and it gave him things to worry about due to his insecurities. By the time the school infodump started we already knew a fair bit about Harry.


I feel the first chapter would've been served better if you summed up the headmasters rambling to half a paragraph and jumped directly into duelbots.
Even in duelbot duel you managed to cram in more exposition though this time there was a better excuse for it - informing audience tha they are safe from harm, but again:

"We've already tested the system prior to this battle and everything's functional, so no worries!" a very bad sentance as the excessive assurance implies that it is not improbable that they wouldn't test the system or that there has been a precedent in the past where it wasn't tested. Either way it implies incompetance or insecurity in one way or another. Though that might have been the goal for the character.

At least this MC has a clear goal which is a start but other than his physical description and some backstory I dont feel like I knoow anything about his personality other than a standart magical school protagonist nr. 7. Sure it's only prologue and chapter one, but my point was that the text space occupied by setting description could have been used better by strengthening a character or two.

Also in prologe Kais deescription of his mums murder was so jarring and descriptive that I actually laughed. 

""Dad, do demons truly exist? If they do, what has Mum done to warrant such cruel savagery from them? I can never forget those heinous flames and that particular demon who mercilessly impaled her before kidnapping her!"

And he described the impalement of their mother right infront of his ten year old sister!! The fuck Kai!? XD 
It sounds like something that would come out of an abridged series and to be honest if the whole story was in this over the top manner I would definitely read it.

As it is I'm afraid I won't continue the story. If it helps take solace in the fact that you had at least a couple strong memorable sentences that generated a physical reaction from a human being. Even if it wasn't the reaction you desired.

As for score I would be dishonest if I rated it as anything more than 3 stars even if it is only after two chapters.
If you want I can put this review on your story page. with or without the stars how you wish.

And if you still feel like it after the brutal beatdown of your own creation the link to my story is in the signature. :)

I'd love it if you can read my story. (see signiture) I'll definitely read your story, although I've been very busy reviewing some other ones, so it might be a couple of weeks before I get there. I'm a new author and I've posted seven chapters of my own book, Terminal. It's a realistic fiction christian romance, and I know you said that you'll generally read fantasy, but I hope you'll give mine a look anyway. I really want to get more readers and be able to get my story out there.

'DieEasy' pid='830937' dateline='1513001053' Wrote: Read a bit of your story (prologue and chapter 1) here are some of my thoughts:

Kai talks about the zion academy being so big. how big is it? 10 stories? 1000 stories? You should add a point of reference.

""Guardian spirit?" Kai enquired. "Yeah, you heard me right, this Academy has a guardian spirit by the name Terran, you'll see it sooner or later. Now off you go, aren't you running late?" the guard replied impatiently."

seperate the guard reply and add "guard replied" sooner otherwise at first it seems Kai is continuing to talk.

So that is the nitpicky stuff out of the way just to point out that the style can use some work.
The grammar I don't give two shits about unless it borders on incomprehensable (and yours deffo doesnt) as I think what matters is engaging story/characters. With that said...

tone down the exposition. As soon as the headmaster walked on stage I saw waht was coming from a mile away. and you even say yourself that he "drone on about".
I understand that headmaster adressing the students is a classic chancce for an infodump but it really hurts your reader interest.
Even if your main focus in your story is on on setting and you are eager to introduce your personal twist to the magical school. I am simply not ready to care about such specifics of your setting and my focus slips, I start skimming through it. 

And even the dialogue between kids about titan slayers is just more clumsy exposition. 
For example either:
1.Titan Slayers are so popular that everyone knows about them, but then it makes no point for kids to say what they already know to each other
2. Not everyone knows about Titan Slayers and then you can have one kid give a passionate nerdy speech to his friends about specifics of this group and how they are so awesome and cool to the point of annoyance.

Option two sounds better and more realistic, you still do the minor infodump and you have a basis for a secondary character with a passion.

If we compare to Harry Potter Dumbledor also had a chance for a long speech about everything that will be tought in the school and history of hogwards, but he kept just said a few words, four of them were jibberish. 
And true some of the infodumping was done by Mcgonagall, but the deal about the four houses and the sorting hat instantly direclty impacted out main protagonist and it gave him things to worry about due to his insecurities. By the time the school infodump started we already knew a fair bit about Harry.


I feel the first chapter would've been served better if you summed up the headmasters rambling to half a paragraph and jumped directly into duelbots.
Even in duelbot duel you managed to cram in more exposition though this time there was a better excuse for it - informing audience tha they are safe from harm, but again:

"We've already tested the system prior to this battle and everything's functional, so no worries!" a very bad sentance as the excessive assurance implies that it is not improbable that they wouldn't test the system or that there has been a precedent in the past where it wasn't tested. Either way it implies incompetance or insecurity in one way or another. Though that might have been the goal for the character.

At least this MC has a clear goal which is a start but other than his physical description and some backstory I dont feel like I knoow anything about his personality other than a standart magical school protagonist nr. 7. Sure it's only prologue and chapter one, but my point was that the text space occupied by setting description could have been used better by strengthening a character or two.

Also in prologe Kais deescription of his mums murder was so jarring and descriptive that I actually laughed. 

""Dad, do demons truly exist? If they do, what has Mum done to warrant such cruel savagery from them? I can never forget those heinous flames and that particular demon who mercilessly impaled her before kidnapping her!"

And he described the impalement of their mother right infront of his ten year old sister!! The fuck Kai!? XD 
It sounds like something that would come out of an abridged series and to be honest if the whole story was in this over the top manner I would definitely read it.

As it is I'm afraid I won't continue the story. If it helps take solace in the fact that you had at least a couple strong memorable sentences that generated a physical reaction from a human being. Even if it wasn't the reaction you desired.

As for score I would be dishonest if I rated it as anything more than 3 stars even if it is only after two chapters.
If you want I can put this review on your story page. with or without the stars how you wish.

And if you still feel like it after the brutal beatdown of your own creation the link to my story is in the signature. :)

Thanks for the remark! I understand that my introduction is less than ideal, so thank you for helping me identify areas for improvement, especially the part about Kai's mother! Really didn't make sense to describe such gory details in front of an innocent little girl. 

My writing is still a work in progress as well so I'd rather get bashed openly than to suffer from an anonymous negative rating. I'll see what I can do to work on the areas you've identified.

I'll definitely take a look at your story too no worries!

---

'God_is_Good' pid='830940' dateline='1513019263' Wrote: I'd love it if you can read my story.  (see signiture)  I'll definitely read your story, although I've been very busy reviewing some other ones, so it might be a couple of weeks before I get there.  I'm a new author and I've posted seven chapters of my own book, Terminal.  It's a realistic fiction christian romance, and I know you said that you'll generally read fantasy, but I hope you'll give mine a look anyway.  I really want to get more readers and be able to get my story out there.

Sure thing, I've come across your story sometime back and from the synopsis, it sounds really deep. It'll make a pretty good change to the usual genre that I read, but I'm sure it'll be interesting and there would be something to gleam from it!

I saw your review and just wanted to say thank you.  Your words were so kind and really inspiring to me, and I'm really glad to hear that you enjoyed it.  Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.  :)

[Account Deleted]

'InTheEndlessMidnight' pid='830992' dateline='1513173198' Wrote: [/url][url=Just a writer working on the first volume of her work, check it out here.] l would like to exchange a review with you. Take your time in this and feel free to be honest about what you think needs improvement.You can find it here.

Hahaha sorry I can't access the link could you tell me the title of your story instead I'll take a look at it, thanks!

Hello Movenpick,

If you get the chance, please give mine a read. It's a Light Novel styled work so if you're into anime or mange hopefully you'll like it!

Linkeroo: http://royalroadl.com/fiction/15005/mimi-o-saku

Thanks!

'tooTimid' pid='831003' dateline='1513208746' Wrote: Hello Movenpick,

If you get the chance, please give mine a read.  It's a Light Novel styled work so if you're into anime or mange hopefully you'll like it!

Linkeroo: http://royalroadl.com/fiction/15005/mimi-o-saku

Thanks!

Hahaha sure thing my own work is inspired by anime too so I'll take a look!

Sorry to bother you, but I have a request for your service. I suppose I am technically not a new author but even so, it is the only story I have ever written.
The story I have here was made almost three years ago. I would like to get back into writing again, but I need to know of any mistakes and any ways to improve. I sincerely hope you could look it over for me. The plot is nothing special, a simple fantasy that follows a boy with magic growing up.

Thank you.
http://royalroadl.com/fiction/2027/vitallife

'LittleMac64' pid='831022' dateline='1513297064' Wrote: Sorry to bother you, but I have a request for your service. I suppose I am technically not a new author but even so, it is the only story I have ever written.
The story I have here was made almost three years ago. I would like to get back into writing again, but I need to know of any mistakes and any ways to improve. I sincerely hope you could look it over for me. The plot is nothing special, a simple fantasy that follows a boy with magic growing up.

Thank you.
http://royalroadl.com/fiction/2027/vitallife

Sure thing I'll take a look! Glad to hear that you're willing to get back into writing!

Best Regards,
Movenpick

My story has passed the 10 chapter mark, but I'm definitely new in the story writing departement.
I would love to have some honest feedback on my story.
It's not your usual Litrpg/vr story, but rather one focused a bit more on metagaming, empire building and social powerplays around gamer politics.
Link in my signature.

'Antice' pid='831079' dateline='1513552356' Wrote: My story has passed the 10 chapter mark, but I'm definitely new in the story writing departement.
I would love to have some honest feedback on my story.
It's not your usual Litrpg/vr story, but rather one focused a bit more on metagaming, empire building and social powerplays around gamer politics.
Link in my signature.

Hhhm I rarely read LitRPG but I'll take a look nonetheless. Cheers!

Best Regards,
Movenpick

Hiya,

I know I’m a wee bit over the 10 chapter mark, but I’m hoping you could let that slide please. The link and synopsis is in the sig. Thanks! I’ll definitely take a look at yours when I get the chance.

'Rainli' pid='831144' dateline='1513715043' Wrote: Hiya,

I know I’m a wee bit over the 10 chapter mark, but I’m hoping you could let that slide please.  The link and synopsis is in the sig. Thanks! I’ll definitely take a look at yours when I get the chance.

Kk I'll have a look at it, cheers!

@Movenpick - Please do a review on my story :)) I wrote 6 chapters as of now. Please be brutally honest. Thank you so much :)) 

Let me know if you're still interested. Here is the link: https://royalroadl.com/fiction/17675/l

Check mine. <3 Thank you in advance. :*

https://royalroadl.com/fiction/18777

[Account Deleted]

Hi, 

Would appreciate if you could check out my story - its only three chapters so far but i would like some feedback before i start uploading.

The three chapters are basically character introductions.

please see the link: 
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1mNsN2R04rnwtH-3CIb2KAVaSAjZ7IUyp 

Thanks!