Looking for feedback on an idea for a story

#1
I'm currently working on a story I just felt the need to write. I'm posting a short synopsis here and an excerpt of what I've already written to see what you guys think. 

While I've written things before, I still consider myself to be a fledgeling writer. English isn't my native tongue either. Criticism is therefore most certainly welcome.

It's going to be a dungeon master story. At least initially, I'll see where it takes me later.
Synopsis:

Life was never easy. He didn't know how or why, but it never was. And it most definitely didn't become any easier after what happened.

Broken, fragmented, in pain and confused. That's all he knew. No inkling as to how or why. Only the nagging feeling that something was missing.

A word. A name? 
Who's name? 
It didn't matter.
It was his now.

And sooner or later, what is missing will be his again as well.

An excerpt of what I've already written:

Pain. Fear. Happiness. Regret. Nothingness.

Then, consciousness. Knowledge. Existence. 
A rush of conflicting feelings. Happiness, sadness, relief, anxiety, power, helplessness, pride, melancholy. 
A sharp pain in places that he did not know he had.
An old form he did not know used to be his. A new form he didn't know he was.
A word. It resonated with him. So he took it as his.

Praetor.

It called to him. Made him feel real. Made him feel whole. Made him feel himself.
Whether it truly was his, he did not now. But it didn't matter. If it wasn't his, then he would make it his.

Consciousness spreading outwards. 
Stone. Stone? Metal. No, definitely stone. A room? A cave?
Coherent thought started making way for a flood of newfound sensations. 
Green. Soft. Grey. Hard. Rugged. Smooth.

Pain. 
The one thing that kept prevailing through all of the sensations was the pain. 
Not the kind of pain he didn't know he was used to. Not a stomach ache. Not a broken heart. Not a blue eye. Not a mangled leg.
The pain was more disheartening than that. It was the type of pain that made him feel as if he was shattered both physically and mentally by one and the same wound.
It ebbed away. Then it flared up again, only to diminish again later. Not constant, so there was no getting used to it. Not constantly growing duller, so it wasn't healing either.
No, this pain was as real as it was not real. It scared Praetor, for he knew that it meant he was damaged in so many more ways than he knew possible.

Now that the pain was a little bit less than before, he focused his attention on the open space around him. 
A cavern? A room?
It was dark, big and smelled musty. That meant it was probably a cave.

Not enough. Not nearly enough. 
He needed to know more. His consciousness stretched further and further. It had reached the edge of the caves when a sharp jolt of pain taught him that doing this was not the best of ideas when in horrible pain.

But he still needed to know more. So he focused his consciousness into a ball. This time it didn't hurt so much. It also helped him think of himself as himself, instead of as an existence.
While it didn't feed him as much information at once as his stretched mind had, it allowed him to move around the cavern and focus on specific things.

Something he immediately regretted.

When he focused on what he thought was his body, he saw nothing but a pristine black marble pedestal with a cracked obsidian crystal ball on top.
At least now he knew where the pain came from.

That did little to calm him though. 
Pain. PAIN.
One and only one emotion took control of his consciousness: fear.
I'm real. I'm real. I'm real. I'm REAL. I'M REAL!
I'm me. I have to be.
...
But who is me?

RE: Looking for feedback on an idea for a story

#2
The book sounds fascinating, and the excerpt is wonderfully well written. Is it going to be written on this site, because if so, I'd love to read it? Tell me what you need help with, and I'll see what I can do.
Just another girl living life to the best that she can, God's child, now and forever.  I'm looking forwards to meeting you and talking with you in the future.   My novel:  http://www.royalroadl.com/fiction/14788/terminal

RE: Looking for feedback on an idea for a story

#4
Hm... it's hard to help you with a title until I've read the book, but some ideas that come from reading the synopsis and excerpt are 'So much Missing' 'Praetor' 'Finding _____(insert your word here) '... but those are probably very lame. I suck at titles, so I'm probably not the best person to help you. Try to identify the main theme of your novel or the main idea that you want to convey, and build off of that.
I can't do full proofreading right now- I have a lot on my hands. But if you would like basic critique or feedback, you know where to find me. I'll write a review if you're doing it on this site.
Just another girl living life to the best that she can, God's child, now and forever.  I'm looking forwards to meeting you and talking with you in the future.   My novel:  http://www.royalroadl.com/fiction/14788/terminal

RE: Looking for feedback on an idea for a story

#6
You've got a good start here, Sylvor!  May I ask what your native language is?  You've got a fairly good handle on English, in any event.

I'm going to skip over standard editing things, such as missed commas and the like.  Editing passes can catch those.

I only noticed it once, but mixing past-tense and present-tense within the same sentence can be very jarring in English.  Example: "But of course, how rude of me. Although that statement isn't exact. You do know me, you just didn't know about me yet. I'm you!"

The second to last sentence begins present tense: "You do know me".  After the comma, it's suddenly past-tense: "you just didn't know about me yet."

In these scenarios, it's best to stick to one tense.  You were already present-tense prior to that, when Praetor remarked "that statement isn't exact".  So, something more along the lines of: "You do know me, you just don't remember yet" may make more sense?  

The only other piece I found to offer my perspective on, is one of aesthetics.  I personally am pulled out of a story when the same descriptor is used multiple times (although I've been guilty of this myself, and strive to reduce it).

Example: "You're not just mentally broken, you're physically broken as well. Your dungeon core is literally broken. Pieces are missing. "

The first two times are fine, I can see someone speaking that way.  But to then restate 'broken' in the second sentence strikes me as odd, from a reader's perspective.  It seems like the second sentence, "Pieces are missing", sums up that they're literally broken.  Something more like: "Your'e not just mentally broken, but physically broken as well.  Pieces of your dungeon core are missing".

You could go further, and remove one of the 'broken' words as well.  "Your'e not just mentally broken, but physically shattered as well".  (Or the other way around).

In any event, it seems like you're off to a good start!  I get a good feel for how confused the core is, and how scattered their thoughts seem to be as they try and focus.
https://i.imgur.com/JBLglrm.jpg

RE: Looking for feedback on an idea for a story

#7
Hey there Drew, thanks for the feedback!

'Drew Walker' pid='832882' dateline='1518997405' Wrote: I only noticed it once, but mixing past-tense and present-tense within the same sentence can be very jarring in English.  Example: "But of course, how rude of me. Although that statement isn't exact. You do know me, you just didn't know about me yet. I'm you!"

The second to last sentence begins present tense: "You do know me".  After the comma, it's suddenly past-tense: "you just didn't know about me yet."

In these scenarios, it's best to stick to one tense.  You were already present-tense prior to that, when Praetor remarked "that statement isn't exact".  So, something more along the lines of: "You do know me, you just don't remember yet" may make more sense?

That past tense was actually on purpose. He never met the entity before even though he's always known him since he's his subconscious. Only now it's been given form and he can meet it.

I'm not sure if that's the correct way of phrasing it, but it's definitely not something that Praetor remembers. It's something he knows that he now meets in a different way that is alien to him.

'Drew Walker' pid='832882' dateline='1518997405' Wrote: The first two times are fine, I can see someone speaking that way.  But to then restate 'broken' in the second sentence strikes me as odd, from a reader's perspective.  It seems like the second sentence, "Pieces are missing", sums up that they're literally broken.  Something more like: "You're not just mentally broken, but physically broken as well.  Pieces of your dungeon core are missing".

You could go further, and remove one of the 'broken' words as well.  "You're not just mentally broken, but physically shattered as well".  (Or the other way around).

Yeah, I really should have noticed that. Will edit this, thanks for noticing!

Edit: My native language's Dutch. Well, Flemish really.

RE: Looking for feedback on an idea for a story

#8
"You do know me, you just didn't know about me yet. I'm you!"

This is fine for characters' speech or even for most writing, especially if the character is not perfect with English grammar. If you wanted to be more complete though it would use the Pluperfect, such as:

"You do know me, you just hadn't known about me yet. I'm you!"

This indicates present status of a past action or some grammatical detail like that.
My (Science) Fiction - Desolate Stars.
And historical - Out of the Motherland.
Go to a new fiction. Review it. Help the little guys.

RE: Looking for feedback on an idea for a story

#9
'bubbleduck' pid='832886' dateline='1519006283' Wrote: "You do know me, you just didn't know about me yet. I'm you!"

This is fine for characters' speech or even for most writing, especially if the character is not perfect with English grammar. If you wanted to be more complete though it would use the Pluperfect, such as:

"You do know me, you just hadn't known about me yet. I'm you!"

This indicates present status of a past action or some grammatical detail like that.

Hey, thanks for the tip. I know that the Pluperfect exists, but I didn't know when to utilise it.

Updating it now.

Also, are there any core rules as to when to use the Pluperfect? The only comparison I have is Latin and there it could more or less be equated to the present tense.

Edit: nevermind, Wikipedia gave a relation to a Dutch tense, which helped me understand. Still thanks for helping out, though!

RE: Looking for feedback on an idea for a story

#10
Well... Let's see, i could have commented on a chapter itself but i believe since this addresses the concept more in general, here would be better.

First, well, the premise itself about a dungeon core and its life/whatnot is quite popular/ really overused. The market is saturated with these. (at least on RRL) Well, i suppose i shouldn't be the one to comment on that since the VR fantasy i'm writing is also a quite overdone genre.
So, that in itself isn't the problem.
The problem that you now face is that you have to make your novel stand out, in a good way, from all the other dungeon core novels that exist on this site/ the market.

Second, though this might just be my personal opinion since i'm not a fan of the dungeon core type novels...
The start of your novel isn't as stellar either. Though the writing itself is really good.
But if you look at the theme of what is happening, then chapter 1 being a literal infodump where the MC talks with another being who explains to him about the world...
Not the best method for world-building. And it happens right at the start, further dissuading me from continuing reading.
And, the world that you have shown till now, it seems to be a fairly typical dungeon core fantasy type world, at least on the surface that is visible right now.
Edit: Also, while the main focus of your novel seems to be on the broken-ness / shattered-ness of the dungeon core/ the MC itself, as reflected by the start of the novel and the synopsis. I don't particularly have a reason to care about the MC yet. Which i also believe is something you should address asap. Why should i care about the MC if i know nothing about him?

That is basically it for now. You're playing in an oversaturated market and your novel, while the writing is good, from my critical viewpoint, doesn't seem to have anything special in it that would particularly make it stand out.

Don't let this dissuade you though. You have an opportunity, since this is just the start of your novel, to completely overhaul the first chapter and instead present things in a more interesting way.
All Stats Random  , my try to perfect the 'master of all/everything' type of MC, inside a proper, realistic VR world, from a game design perspective and immersion and no convenient 'convert gold to irl currency' button.